By Tina Kanu
It is very easy to look at someone or situation and make a judgment without looking at things from the other person’s perspective.
We all complain about things that we don’t like in our spouse. That is normal.
But complaints can make our spouse defensive or withdrawn. He/she will be more attentive if you choose appreciation instead of judgment.
Some people criticise everything and everyone who do not do things their way. We don’t have to focus on negative things that annoy us, instead we should focus on positive things worthy of praise.
When we choose praise instead of criticism, our spouse is likely to consider our request. Concentrating on what we don’t like in your spouse makes him/her to continue doing the same things over and over again, but pointing out what you like conveys trust and believe in the person.
It shows that you believe that your spouse can do your request. If you consistently do that along with praising your spouse, it brings about positive change.
We must not underestimate the power of praise in our relationship with our spouse. We must learn to ignore what he/she is not doing right and give them praise and encouragement when they do right.
Praising and encouraging each other helps bring the changes we desire.
When we concentrate on someone’s good attributes, strength and kindness, regardless of the negative aspects, it motivates them to look for ways to reciprocate our love.
Married couples must concentrate more on helping to build each other than getting themselves worked up by problems.
Criticism is the negative response that opens the door for other marital problems. Criticism is different from complaining because it attacks the other person’s character with much blame.
People usually over generalise criticism.
Couples some times hide under the camouflage of joking and humour to criticise their spouse and when confronted, they simply say I was only joking.
Faultfinding is a common form of criticism.
One of the greatest mistakes in marriage is to try force our spouse to be or think like us. When we do that, we fail to realise that God created us differently.
We are to compliment our spouse in areas we think he/she not meeting up. But most times we forget how different we are in personality and try to change him/her to be more like us.
Only God can change people even when they don’t want to change.
Criticism is very destructive. It does not nourish marital relationship rather it poisons it. Criticism only accuses, it comes with resentment, tries to make the other person feel guilty and intimidated.
Criticism is a very bad disease, and once established in a relationship, it spreads and destroys the positive feelings we have for our spouse.
When we turn ourselves into our spouse’s worst critic he/she begins to see us as an enemy. Constant unexpected attacks make them feel very uncomfortable around us.
They feel put down and most times their self esteem is slowly destroyed.
We must keep criticism out of our lives and marriages in order to keep our love alive. It is very important to learn to not think more highly of ourselves and think little of others, as Romans 12:3 says.
When we focus more on ourselves, we end up being miserable. Don’t find fault with everything your spouse does.
Everyone has their own idea of what we should be. Everyone expects something done a little differently.
We often try to force an outcome and make everything end our own way. It shouldn’t be so; we must learn to work together with our spouse without condemning or criticising him/her.
We must not focus only on the wrong things our spouse does, the mistakes and shortcomings; instead focus on God to bring His perfection into your marriage and allow Him turn impossible circumstances around.
Jesus Christ is the only One that has the power to change things.
We must consider the power of our words, we must know that our words have a lasting impact on our spouse. When we speak encouraging words, we lift up our spouse and help them reach their potential.
An author once said that people have a way of becoming what you encourage them to be, not what you criticise them to be.
A relationship becomes sweet when we look for positive qualities in each other. Some find it difficult to focus on the good in their spouse because it is easier for them to find fault and be critical.
A critical approach changes nothing. Finding fault does not get things corrected, it only creates rift between a couple.
Encouragement is not an empty word designed to make others feel good about themselves. To encourage is to give courage and strength to the other person. It is a sincere and honest help (Joshua 1:6-9).
Encouragement is not flattery. Some may flatter their spouse just because they are asked to encourage them. But when we give sincere encouragement, we are serving others.
We can encourage our spouse better by letting them know we see their potential. You can offer him/her strengthening words like “you are gifted with a great creativity.”
Hebrews 3:13 says we should encourage one another. In marriage, we come together to build each other up but criticism builds nothing.
However, we must learn to cope with criticism. No matter what you do in marriage, your spouse may still find fault but do not let it bother you much.
Criticism is very difficult for most people, and someone’s self image can be destroyed by it. I agree. But we must learn how not to be so affected.
We must not allow our spouse’s critical remarks destroy the love we feel for him/her. Not all criticisms are bad. Look for value in criticism.
Ask yourself if there is anything you can learn from what your spouse is criticising in you. Whatever effect the criticism of your spouse has on you, disregard the negative statement.
Find out the real cause of the complaint. Clarify the root cause and respond positively and confidently.
Once the cause is identified, confidently explain your action.
