Why didn’t she leave, why did he hit? Are the lines blurred between love and abuse: Violence against women is not just a crime. It is a show of control and power. At the individual level, it is an utter show from a deeply-complexed individual who fills the void by exerting control to demean and dehumanize another. It is a corruption of power where control is masqueraded as love and intimacy that seeks to imprison both mind and body. At societal level, it is systemic failure where there are no checks and balances, no consequences for such inhuman treatment and behaviour. It is often normalized to cover up patriarchy. Yes, I still prefer privacy to the online lifestyle, particularly for young women. However, in the face of such public outcry, we must not stay silent.
Regina Daniels accuses Ned Nwoko of domestic violence
By Elsie-Bernadette Onubogu
Lately, I’ve found my pen drifting into uncomfortable terrain — realms I would normally avoid, or subjects I’d rather leave to others – such as the sleaze chambers or the rapid dog with Assorted Rocks. Still, I’ve seen myself offering unsolicited advice, writing about issues that trouble my soul, sometimes controversial, other times, considered private or not relevant by some. Either way, in most of the pieces, I have issued sermons (apologies to the anointed), and choice offers to the reader. In this instance, I hope the protagonist/s will make a choice before time runs out.
This piece is one such that only conscience got me involved. I write it, as the Apostle Timothy might say, not because I want to, but because I must. Yes, there are moments when the pen resists the hand. But, in a moment when silence is not just complicity, but could be seen as utter betrayal, I feel caught in between the rock and a hard place.
Such events have included, the silence of the ‘gods’ of Men in the face of bloodshed, hardship and impunity in the land. This time, the event is the raw, obscene wailings of a young woman, a netizen, who, it seems – her understanding of love is blurred by materialism, to wit: Louis Vuitton bags, Christian Louboutin shoes, a private jet trip, and wads of Naira notes for money na water show off. Alas, she cried out – violence, abuse – no more!
It is not the first time, and this latest wailing left me with questions to the man – a sexagenarian. Do you have no sisters, a mother? Will you stand idly to see such violation against your own blood? To the family, are you not aware of what is happening, or how this could end for your daughter? Does your allegiance to comfort outweigh your child’s life?
And to the girl, I ask, is the line between love and abuse so blurred that you cannot see through it? Or, is your preference influenced by what you see as fame? Are you willfully making a dangerous choice that could leave you with unwanted flowers?
Last Sunday morning, my sincere prayer is that God will grant you the wisdom and discernment to decipher what is important in life. I would have suggested counseling. But, given the ‘money na water’ environment, am not sure that will do any good to either party (no pun intended).
At the Sunday Mass, the second reading from 2 Timothy (3: 14, 4v1-4) stirred that uneasiness in me. I will repeat this sermon below for the reader. That reading nudged me to confront a topic I would usually leave alone: violence against women. Not for lack of courage or care. In fact, in my other life, I worked on violence against women, as well as investigated rape and sexual assault.
I digress to pay tribute to one of my early mentors – Prof Felicia Ekejiuba (blessed memory) under whose guidance at United Nations Fund for Women (UNIFEM – New York), I wrote Africa’s first Report on ‘Violence against Women.’ What makes that report noteworthy is that it became a precursor for the rest of the world to research and conduct studies on violence against women.
In addition, based on that and subsequent reports, the United Nations (UN) through the General Assembly recognized the challenge of violence against women and adopted an acceptable definition. At the risk of accusation of gloating, that initial report also got me to edit and write the chapter on ‘Violence against Women,’ for the United Nations Development Programme’s Training Manual on “Gender Approaches in Conflict and Post-Conflict Situations.” https://www.undp.org/sites/g/files/zskgke326/files/publications/gendermanualfinalBCPR.pdf
According to the UN, violence against women is “any act of gender-based violence that results in or is likely to result in physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life.” It is a crime that has been classified as part of ‘domestic or private realm’ and difficult to address, as, so often, survivors (I loathe the term – victim) rarely speak up.
Within the context of the above definition, this writer believes that the public outcry of this Nigerian woman of abuse and violence at the hands of her sexagenarian husband constitutes violence against a woman, and nothing can or should justify such violence.
Because her outcry has placed this in the ‘public realm,’ someone ought to investigate – for instance, the Ministry of Women Affairs, the International Federation of Women Lawyers, etc. Do I expect this to happen – absolutely not – this is Nigeria!
Even as I write, I do so with trepidation and caution as this ‘survivor’ is one who has chosen to live her life in full glare of the public, with social media – Instagram, TikTok, Facebook and Youtube at her beck and call. Without reticence, I will say, I have little pity and patience for people who seek attention and fame – particularly online and complain about loss of privacy.
I say this because, I have learnt a lesson about human nature – a rule of life, i.e., once you open a window to ‘peeping Tom’, curiosity gets the better part of him., and almost naturally, he looks for a door.
READ ALSO: Ned Nwoko links Regina Daniels’ viral outburst to drug, alcohol addiction
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In fact, this lesson opened a door of wisdom for me. It was a lesson gleaned during the Monica Lewinsky saga in the United States of America. Mrs. Hilary Clinton whilst speaking to Barbara Walters, chimed, re-echoing Jackie Kennedy Onassis, “the media will make you, and the same media will break you.”
That wisdom has stayed with me, and I have carried and folded it along with, and into three personal absolutes:
1) There are always three sides to every story — you can find them if you honestly search;
2) The media that gives you a pedestal, will also send you to the guillotine; and
3) There is never — absolutely no justification for hitting another person, especially a woman or a wife.
It is the third ‘absolute’ along with this Sunday’s sermon from 2 Timothy – “But as for you, continue in what you have learned and you have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it… All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God – we are all called to be God’s servants – may be thoroughly equipped for every good work… In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, I give you this charge…Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage — with great patience and careful instruction…time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather…a number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear…and turn their ears away from the truth” – that got me to pick up my pen for yet another unsolicited sermon.
As I watched that video repeatedly, I couldn’t keep quiet. I am not sure what horrified me more, the young girl’s wailings, pain, or the numbing familiarity of it all – remembering some of the cases I either counseled or investigated in Rwanda and elsewhere. Yes, domestic violence and violence against women is not new, but, it should never be tolerated, justified or excused. We must not normalize it.
As I sermon today, I have questions and a share of what has been – indeed, a sad but beautiful poem, which any serious specialist who has worked on violence against women in the last four decades is familiar with. I am referring to a poem by Paulette Kelly, which I will recreate below. I do so because that poem is a lesson for survivors whilst they are still alive – to make a choice.
Questions to the man
To the sexagenarian, I ask again: Do you not have a daughter? A mother – living or dead? A sister? Would you stand by silently if they were beaten, humiliated, or broken? Is this girl not young enough to be your daughter? Could you not compare her foibles with how your 23-year-old daughter, niece or cousin behaves – mindful that we are all cut from different fabrics?
Could the 41-year-old age difference not make you stop for one minute and look at her as one who lacks experience, thus, with many failings? As I pose these questions, they seemed rhetorical as answers flooded in. Very often, too many abusers/perpetrators of domestic violence are themselves products of abusive homes. Could this be the case?
Even if so, should you continue the cycle of violence? Is it that your education, age, exposure, profession as a lawyer trained in England could not help you unlearn the bad habits you may have inherited? Are you not aware that your children and the entire household – and now, the public across the digital wave are watching?
Have you no shame, no conscience? Will you allow brutality and violence that you may have inherited become your family heirloom or legacy? As Ndi Igbo would say, Tufiakwa – Chukwu ekwena ihe òjòò – May God forbid bad thing!
To the family
Because this is not the first time, I am aware she has a family – at least a mother – who, sadly, has also cavorted around social media. Does she or other family members like the ‘fame seeking brother’ not know what is happening? Are you all paralyzed by fear, shame or perhaps the illusion of keeping up with appearance and living like the Joneses?
Will you sit idly by and watch your daughter’s life be snuffed out simply because of profits? Are you not aware that sometimes, the ‘survivor’ may not have the courage or strength to leave? Will you remain silent, until (God forbid) you receive flowers? Remember, in some cases, silence is not neutrality.
To the woman
Truth be told, I had always preferred to watch you from afar – often with pity! But, as I look back to my work experiences that fit into the present pattern, I am compelled to probe.
So, I ask you, is it so difficult to decipher the line between love and abuse? Has the lure of material comfort anaesthetized your instinct to stay alive and live life even if with some discomfort? What will you tell your children birthed and forced to live under such abuse? Do you still think the digital community cares one bit about your show off moments? Are you not aware that the onion has been peeled away to reveal uncomfortable truths? Do you think you can honestly be a role model for any young woman?
These are uncomfortable questions for all, but I dare say, necessary ones. As I read online commentary, one particular cynical comment jumped out. The commentator suggested that this may be a ‘publicity stunt,’ and queried, what if she is dramatizing – what if this is a content creating stunt?
Being part of what netizens term the ‘old brigade,’ I wondered what kind of director will script such content for public viewing? Then again, in a world that is drunk and addicted to content creation, ‘walahi’ nothing surprises me anymore. Whatever this turns out to be (that’s if anyone investigates), what I know for sure is, because this is not the first time, this feels real! I know this, based on my work and experience dealing with survivors.
Violence against women is not just a crime. It is a show of control and power. At the individual level, it is an utter show from a deeply-complexed individual who fills the void by exerting control to demean and dehumanize another. It is a corruption of power where control is masqueraded as love and intimacy that seeks to imprison both mind and body.
At societal level, it is systemic failure where there are no checks and balances, no consequences for such inhuman treatment and behaviour. It is often normalized to cover up patriarchy. Yes, I still prefer privacy to the online lifestyle, particularly for young women. However, in the face of such public outcry, we must not stay silent.
In my work, I have learnt that sometimes, going public is the only and fastest way for the survivor to be heard. It is such public outcry that could determine whether she lives or dies. To the survivor and her family, please read and listen to the voice of Paulette Kelly below.
To all, please note, no amount of internet clamor, fame or patriarchy should invalidate the pain I heard through this appalling video.
Writing this piece was against my better judgment. But, as I noted earlier, silence would be injustice in the face of violence against this woman. Yes, I did not want to write this piece, nor about the person for reasons already stated.
However, I have also learnt that writing, for me, is a show of protest against evil and injustice. It is my way of doing what the Lord charged us through the book of 2 Timothy to do, i.e., “In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, I give you this charge…Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction…time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine.”
In the final analysis, what I know and will say for sure is, to the young woman, do not be fooled. For, no amount of online followership, designer bags, selfies will make history forget these shameful moments. And, there is time for you to choose between abusive comfort that comes with flowers, or decent life with intermittent discomfort.
To all, despite her foibles, for those who will choose only to blame the woman and ask: why doesn’t she leave? Allow me to choose the words of a former colleague, the right question should be, why does he choose to hit?
Epilogue
The Poem – dedicated to all survivors of domestic violence!
I got flowers today – Paulette Kelly (1992)
I got flowers today. It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day. We had our first argument last night. He said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he was sorry and didn’t mean the things he said. Because I got flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day. Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry. Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today! And it wasn’t Valentine’s Day or any other special day; Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me; Makeup and long sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time; I couldn’t go to work today because I didn’t want anyone to know
But I know he’s sorry’ – Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again. And it was much worse than all other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him!
But I know he must be sorry. Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night he finally killed me. He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him, I could have received help from the Women’s Shelter (some of my family and friends) but I didn’t ask for their help; So, I got flowers today – for the last time; I would not have gotten flowers today.
