Masquerading cliché and curiosity as comfort: A call to rethink and retire the absurd
By Elsie-Bernadette Onubogu
Like all living creatures, our earthly time is finite. This truth reaffirms that one day, each and every one of us (both animals and humans) will die and leave this earth. Simply put, death is inevitable. Another incontrovertible truth is what John Donne reminded us in the ‘Invictus’, that is: “we never know for whom the death bell (will) tolls, and every person’s death diminishes us.” With death comes grief, pain, hurt, brokenness and sadness which is expressed in different ways. Death truly diminishes!
Through death, we come to a place of an undeniable truth, i.e., grief is a universal experience. Every life ends eventually, and every ending brings with it a period of sorrow, pain, and deep emotional fracture, I dare say – brokenness.
Indeed, grief is one of the most profound human emotion and experience. It is personal, raw, sensitive, and very often disorienting. For sure, I know that in grieving moments, those grieving do not want to be judged or accused, and those around the bereaved usually want to help, to say something — anything — that will usually offer comfort and relief. But in that well-meaning scramble for words, many individuals resort to exhausted clichés, empty phrases, and irrelevant questions. One such question is, was s/he sick?
The undisputable truth is, the person is dead and gone. Whether their death was sudden or preceded by illness doesn’t change the reality of the loss and will not resurrect the dead. The question doesn’t ease the mourner’s pain nor does it offer support in most cases. It certainly doesn’t provide clarity, comfort nor relief. Instead, in a number of cases, it only reopens emotional wounds —forcing someone to recall traumatic medical details or re-live the final days of their loved one’s life. For what? To satisfy human curiosity or to genuinely bring some healing?
Let’s be honest: What does the – was s/he sick question accomplish? I will attempt to explore this below.
This is not to deny or diminish genuine comfort and empathy from many people around grieving persons and families. Rather, it is a candid attempt to highlight what I believe is plain ‘human curiosity’ – baked into a flurry of repertoires, which seems almost ingrained as part of society’s normative, which has survived generations.
Other questions could come in the form of guilt, disappointments of what if, what I should or could have done, etc. Against this background, many of us reach for comfort by defaulting to worn out clichés like “time heals all wounds.” But does it? Reaffirming global context and culture, we do lean on familiar clichés during these moments. However, whether or not time truly heals the pain of losing a loved one is up for debate. But that is not the purpose of this piece.
It is crucial to state that, the correct question to ask of ourselves in these situation is, are the things we say in the face of loss truly helping — or are they simply ways to ease our own discomfort or satisfy our curiosity? This is the core message of this piece. A question of whether our attempt to comfort the grieving genuinely conveys the much-needed empathy, or whether it is a masquerade of clichés laced with our personal curiosity and idiosyncrasy?
While available inventory reveals several of these, one particular question that stands out to me in its persistent irrelevance is this: “Was he/she sick?” This is often the first thing people ask upon hearing that someone has passed away. Honestly, I am often confounded and overwhelmed – not knowing what to say or how to react. Recently, I was hit hard with grief over the death of loved one, but found myself dealing with this question – was s/he sick? Whilst dealing with the grief, stunned, gob-smacked, momentarily irritated and gripped with frustration, I decided to discuss with friends about this phenomenon. It is pertinent to note however, that, no culture, class, or community is exempt from the consequences and impact of loss and grief. When a life ends, what follows is pain, confusion, and the ache of absence – missing a loved one.
READ ALSO: The pandemic of idiocy: Why I keep breaking my oath of silence on Nigeria
Given the frequency of this ‘infamous question’, I was tempted to classify this as a “Nigerian phenomenon.” Truth be told, I discovered other nationals – Africans in the majority, but non-Africans also share the cliché. Consequently, I was compelled to dispense with what would have been an unfair broad brush and stereotyping. Indeed, grief is human and universal, but, it appears the ‘clichès,’ too, are.
As someone who has both grieved and supported others in grief, I’ve come to recognize a pattern of responses that, despite good intentions, do more harm than good. And “Was s/he sick?” is perhaps the most common, frequent — and the most absurd—of them all. I would like to reiterate, for many, it is not a deliberate attempt to bring discomfort. If anything, it is an unintentional cliché that leaves a negative impact.
Increasingly, as I go through life’s experience, I find this question absurd and irrelevant for so many reasons. For one, the person is dead, so what does it matter if he or she was sick? It is not as if the questioner has magical powers to bring the person back to life. So, of what relevance is this question? I have searched and researched with so many, and frankly, found no answer. So, one must ask why do we ask this question? Does it make things any better for the grieving person or family to relieve the experiences, which may not be an exciting one for them? I doubt so. Indeed, if it is that irrelevant, how can it aid a person’s grief? And, if it does not aid their grieving, why offer ask it?
Without any meaningful reason or positive outcome behind this question and probing, I have come to the conclusion that this is a ‘clichè, which no matter how well intentioned, is truly absurd, irrelevant and unhelpful to many that it ought to be retired.
Unfortunately, in listening to responses about whether the deceased was ill or not, many people (unintentionally and perhaps intentionally) veer into dangerous terrains of either passing brief judgments about how and why the deceased ought to have taken better care of themselves, and or why the hospital ought to have done better in their provision of better treatment, etc. Unwittingly, in doing so, we insist on relieving memories that the grieving family/person may be struggling to forget or relive. Yes, there is little doubt that most people’s initial intention is to assist with grieving. But that approach and the ‘clichèd’ question: was s/he sick, may indeed fall within the realm of what Mary Anderson termed, “Do No Harm.” It is because of this delicate yet dangerous balance that this writer urges us to rethink and retire this absurd cliché.
The “Was s/he sick?” question is not alone in its irrelevance. Consider a few classics – though not exhaustive.
“How was your flight?” asked of someone just arriving from hours in the sky. While that question – how was your flight, is meant to convey a feeling that the questioner cares, the undeniable fact is, at the time of the question, it is irrelevant as if even there was a turbulence, what could the probing achieve at the time? Thus, it constitutes but a mere cliché. Similar questions include:
“Was the labor hard?” asked of a mother still exhausted in her hospital bed. It beggars belief how a woman who has just gone through child birth is expected to answer such a question. At such a time, most women will not dignify the question.
“At least they’re in a better place.” said to someone whose life has just imploded from losing a loved one. Okay, I get it. As believers in life after death, this is meant to soothe. But does it? I would not even bother to delve into the assurance. After all, it is only God that can judge or offer this assurance.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I get it – one is at a loss as to what to say, but, how does a loved one’s death make you stronger?
Another one is, “Everything happens for a reason,” etc. Even within the concept of euthanasia, what could be a comforting reason for a loved one to die?
Perhaps another classic is: “I know how you feel” – Really? Can anyone really and truly know how a grieving person feels? Absolutely not – it is personal and different for each. Of course, there are many more of such questions/statements that frankly fall within the cliché category. Arguably, most of these are self-serving and devoid of deep thought. – though not in all cases.
It must be noted that, this isn’t just about one question. It’s about a repertoire of knee-jerk clichés we tend to rely on when we don’t know what else to say. Often times, it is more about our ‘curiosity’ rather than empathy! Overtime, one finds that these clichés are woven into the social fabric – as part of the normative. These moments reveal a wider cultural habit: we often speak not to connect, but to conform — to the script. It represents a herd mentality. Yet, in all honesty, while these clichés reverberate, they are irrelevant, absurd, and very often – invasive. We tend to forget that grief is raw, personal, and different for each person. In furtherance of the personal respect and dignity to those mourning, I urge us to rethink and resist such clichés – for it may convey un-intentioned and unwanted discomfort.
This isn’t a call for silence, stoicism or idle criticism. Rather, it is an invitation to be more intentional with our words – to offer healing and not probe. After all, what can our probe about their sickness accomplish after the person is dead? When someone is grieving, they don’t need a script or probe. What they need is simply empathy, a listening ear or a conversation if they engage you. One thing I know for sure is, they do not need our ‘unmeasured probe or judgmental attitude’.
If you look around you, am sure you will find many more such irrelevancies and clichés, which add nothing to the comfort of the situation. So, the question is, why do we do it? While not finding any useful reason behind why we engage in such absurdity, we must seriously, at best retire this cliché, and at worst case scenario, rethink our actions. Do not say: ‘I know how you feel’. Truth be told, you don’t. You can only imagine how they feel. Remember, there is no unit of measure or standards to grieving – no timeline, no checklist, and certainly no intensity – to each his or her own (another cliché).
In the absence of not being sure how to deal with a grieving person, I suggest you just listen to them pour out their hearts with little or minimal probing particularly about how the deceased died. So, the next time someone shares that they’ve lost a loved one, pause, and resist the urge to ask this infamous question, “Were they sick?” Instead, just let them know how sorry you are for their loss. And, let them know you are there to listen if they feel like talking. This is because, sometimes, people prefer to grieve in quiet solitude. If this is the case, kindly respect their solitude and not barrage them with irrelevant questions.
It is time we retire the clichés and re-learn how to speak — and listen — with compassion. Our words matter. Let us use our words to heal, not to diminish the pain from those grieving and not to fill our curious minds – just listen. Let’s retire these irrelevancies, clichés, and upend our curiosities in the guise of comforting the grieving.
- Elsie-Bernadette Onubogu is an independent consultant, international lawyer, public policy & mainstreaming expert. An erstwhile Senior Policy Advisor with the United Nations, she investigated war crimes, rape and sexual assault as part of her work with the UN International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda. She served as a Senior Gender, Peace and Governance Expert with the Commonwealth, and was appointed in 2015 by the UK Government to serve as a deployable civilian expert. A trailblazer in global diplomacy, she holds the distinction of being the first Nigerian woman invited to address the United Nations Security Council on issues of International Peace and Security.
