Dear Agatha,
I am 18 years old, married and eight months pregnant. My husband is 19 years of age and takes delight in beating me, not minding that I am heavily pregnant. He doesn’t care as he slaps, punches, twists my hands and does whatever he wants. I am really tired of my life, but I love him. I eloped with him in February this year and got married to him not long ago. We have been together for four years now and I really trusted him because he really loved and cared for me. Then he was always at my beck and call. He listened to me and treated me with respect.
But he completely changed after our wedding. He has increasingly become hostile to me, to the point that he appears not to give a damn about my feelings. These days, the very things I tell him not to do are the things that delight him.
He wants me to know that he is the man and that I am the woman. I have tried to accommodate this by allowing him take all the decision while I simply obey. However, the recent trouble started when I tried to stop him when he indicated a desire to go to the gym at 3am. Because I raised an objection, he started hitting me. He gets angry for no reason whatsoever. He now expresses a desire to leave me, get a divorce once there is a minor disagreement between us.
Agatha, I can’t leave him because I really love him. I feel as if my life is captured in his life. I can’t do without him. I really love him, but he wants so much to get rid of me.
To think that this is the same person who, before marriage, never left the house without my permission makes the situation sickening. Once I raised an objection to whatever he wanted to do, he would immediately desist from it to please me.
These days he deliberately goes out and leaves me all alone. He doesn’t care that I am eight months pregnant and could go into labour at any time from now. Please help me. I am in need of good counsel. I am very stressed and helpless. It’s been one problem or another since I got pregnant. I am scared of losing him and the baby.
Tccc.
Dear Tccc,
At 18 and 19, you are both too young and immature to handle the situation you have both placed yourselves in. Parenthood is tasking and demanding. Ideally, both of you should be in school, under the protective custody of your parents and enjoying the freedom and wildness of the teenage years.
If he is complaining, it is because he lacks the knowledge and understanding of how to handle fatherhood at an early age when he should be partying with friends, going after different girls for the fun of it. He sees in you a barrier to all the things he wants to do, hence the frequency at which he lashes out on you. Before you both married, he had all his freedom. Now not only is he married at his age but also going to be a father when he should be in the disco halls. He is frustrated because while he is thinking of baby food and diapers, his friends would be talking about girls and parties. None of his friends is in the position he has found himself. For someone who isn’t as matured as he is, this is enough to make him take a temporary leave of his sanity. Suddenly, every dream he has for the future is collapsing before him like a pack of cards because he now has a wife and child to consider. He is frustrated because everywhere he turns around screams responsibility. Beating, lording over you as well as issuing threats are the only weapon he now has to order his world. Cowardly, but until he comes to terms with what he desperately wants to wish away, you may not see much of the man you fell in love with.
In his current state of mind, he thinks you are at fault, hence someone he has to move away from to be free from the emotional nightmare he has currently. He has worked himself up to believe that if you didn’t get pregnant, run away from home and agreed to marry him, he would still be free to do as he likes. Deep in his mind, you are his dream killer, so be careful because in his current state of mind, he could really harm you without realising what he is doing until it’s too late. He is presently too blinded by his own miseries to care about how much pains he is inflicting on you or how you feel for that matter.
Frankly, you made the greatest mistake of your life by absconding with him. What were you thinking leaving home when you should be in school planning for the years ahead? As you must have realised, not all that glitters is gold. Marriage and parenthood are a different ball game from dating. This is the time for you to retrace your steps irrespective of your state or what you have done. It is obvious both of you cannot stay together for now. He may unwittingly harm you in one of his annoyances. You are too young to handle this on your own and the situation isn’t good for your health. You need all the strength on your delivery day to be able to aid the baby come out. Besides, you need encouragement and care to ensure the labour goes smoothly.
There is no one who can look after you exactly like your mother. No matter her level of disappointment at your behaviour, she would never want you dead. You are in a precarious situation at least until your husband realises that he owes you and the baby attention and care.
If you can’t go back home to your parents on your own, out of fear, go through their respected friends or pastor(s), who would go on your behalf to plead with them. Apologise to them and explain the situation you are facing. If you are in Lagos, I could go with you to see them, if it would be of any help too. You should also consider informing his parents about your situation. Don’t forget that the baby in your womb is their grandchild, hence the need for you to contact them for help. Besides soliciting forgiveness and help from your two families, learn to accord your husband some level of respect. No man likes to be told by his wife how to conduct his affairs. He always likes to be in charge. Getting permission from you before he goes out or does anything isn’t right. Yes, you have the right to be informed, but telling him where he can go and can’t go isn’t part of your brief as the woman. You can only appeal to him, coax him into staying with you, and not by commands.
From the tone of your letter, it is obvious that you have been making all the decisions in this relationship and that the idea of both of you eloping and getting married is yours. Be careful, you have already made one big mistake; don’t allow that domineering spirit in you push you into making another woman come between you both, especially now that he is battling to come to terms with this situation as to get his freedom from the mess he is now.
If you want to have the baby alive, learn to keep your mouth shut; talk less and pray more to God to help both of you overcome this trying time. It is also imperative you begin to think of how you both are going to provide for the baby, something you can do to help cushion the efforts he would be making. Rather than devote your entire time nagging him on what to do or not, sit him down to discuss the possibilities of what you both can do to make ends meet when the baby comes. Though you are both shying away from the fact of being expectant parents and marriage makes both of you older than your ages, begin to act like a woman who has the interest of her family at heart by coming up with exigency plans.
The best thing now is to think of a business you can begin, something that would bring in regular money and give you time to be with the baby as well as to continue with your studies.
Always remember that the past isn’t as important as the future that is always there for one to correct mistakes made in the past. Yes, both of you didn’t think beyond the immediate when you took the steps that have brought you into this mess, but your lives do not have to live on this mistake. Channel that strong will of yours into making something positive out of your lives together.
Marital battles are best fought on bent knees, and never through nagging.
Good luck.
