This week, a woman in love with two different men: 36, straight, married, emergency medicine, Long Island.
DAY ONE
7:50 a.m. Wake up and check my phone immediately to see if M sent me an early morning text. Nothing. I hate the weekends. His wife checks his work phone and personal phone like a lunatic (we’ve always communicated on his work phone). I find it bizarre — if you’re that insecure, why are you married?
Time to take my basal body temperature, I guess. The thing about M and I is we’re both married — to other people. And my husband, D, and I are trying to get pregnant.
12:30 p.m. Hospital has been crazy all day. I work in emergency medicine, and my husband is in advertising; we both commute into the city every day on the train. I always look around at everyone on the train and wonder what skeletons they’re hiding in their closets. Who else is leading a double life?
I text M asking how his weekend was because he hasn’t messaged me yet. He loves to play head games. It’s his thing. Anxiety hits a peak once I hit send on the text message … I never know when he will respond.
12:45 p.m. Time for a “bathroom break.” Because I have a lot of anxiety, I counteract that with a lot of mastubation — usually about seven or eight times a day. Luckily, we have private bathrooms in our section of the hospital. It literally takes me all of 20 seconds to get myself off so I make a lot of very short bathroom visits over the course of my day. Better than popping Xanax, right?
3 p.m. Still no answer from M. Ugh.
My husband and I were together for several years, then we broke up and I met M, about six years ago. We met on a dating site and for some reason never got serious … until we both got serious with other people, me with my now-husband after we got back together and him with his now-wife. We never stopped seeing each other because M actually requested an “arrangement” from me when he started seeing her. It was fine with me because my husband and I were getting back together.
5 p.m. M finally answered, “yeah yeah yeah.” That’s his usual response to let me know he’s making an effort and to acknowledge that we haven’t spoken all weekend. I feel better and can breathe again. At least he’s thinking about me.
We don’t really talk about the status of our marriages or happiness in our marriages. I always can tell when things are really not going well because I get more and more texts at later times of night and on the weekends. I think they’re relatively happy? I don’t know. Three days before I got married he called me to meet him and begged me to call the wedding off. Can’t be that great of a marriage.
8 p.m. Home on the couch eating pizza and drinking wine with D. All I can think about is waiting for him to go to bed so I can masturbate to porn. I love porn. All porn.
D isn’t exactly on my level in terms of sex drive and interests, not even close. He is a wonderful man and an amazing husband though. I just wish he had a filthy mind. I love that shit. M is an animal in bed. The filthier the better, with him.
11:45 p.m. Got off three more times watching porn after D went to sleep. Heading back into the bedroom to pass out. Wondering if M is asleep or what he’s doing. M and I are supposed to meet at our usual hotel Thursday night this week. Can’t wait to see him. We try to see each other twice a month at the hotel but sometimes it doesn’t happen. The days drag on and on. When his wife travels (which isn’t often at all), I stay at their place with him.
DAY TWO
7 a.m. Basal body temperature time. Honestly, I’m not sure about the kid thing. I think I’d be a great mom, but I’m not sure how interested I really am in becoming a parent. M and I have discussed what would happen if I got pregnant, though I don’t know that we’re actually prepared for what would happen … He and his wife have been trying to get pregnant for quite some time. Many, many courses of IVF.
Speaking of M, no morning text. Ugh … it’s going to be one of THOSE weeks. Hope we’re still on for Thursday night and I really hope I don’t get my period. I use softcups when I have my period so I can have sex without him knowing I’m on the rag but sometimes I worry about it leaking. (Also, it sucks in general to have your period.)
10 a.m. Haven’t heard from D or M yet this morning. Time for a “bathroom break.” I can’t deal when neither of my men are in contact.
2 p.m. D is messaging me about the house we are looking to buy … and the baby we are trying to have. I am completely distracted by the fact that I still haven’t heard from M today. This is truly exhausting sometimes.
I do worry about us getting caught. We both worry. At the end of the day, how long can you live two lives and not get caught? D would absolutely leave me, I think. It scares me, but I really do love them both.
5 p.m. Nothing from M still. I’m dying inside but I know this is all part of his game. He knows I’m losing my mind because he’s been radio silent. Mindfucking is his foreplay.
I’m hoping to get out by 7 tonight. I want dumplings and a glass of wine. D is going to want to fuck tonight as I’m entering my fertile period. He is very insecure that I haven’t gotten pregnant yet … it’s like he wants to prove something.
10 p.m. Nice relaxed dinner on the couch. D and I went to bed at the same time (which is unusual). He rubbed my back to get me going and we had sex. Standard missionary. I thought about M the whole time. I didn’t come; I faked it. He came. Late text from M that he was busy all day and we will chat tomorrow. Fuck, I miss him.
DAY THREE
7 a.m. Woke up so turned on. Sex dreams about M all night long. Masturbated in the bathroom while getting ready for work.
3 p.m. M messages me that he can’t stop thinking about me and he now needs to move our Thursday night to Friday night. We masturbate together via FaceTime while we both take “bathroom breaks.” I find nothing more satisfying than seeing someone’s face while they’re orgasming.
5 p.m. D wants to know what I want to do for dinner. D always cooks. He’s amazing like that but tonight he’s tired.
10 p.m. Quiet night. Off to bed. Can’t wait to see M on Friday night. It hurts missing him so much. D is already asleep. He’s so sweet. I love watching him sleep. Sometimes I think about how I’m such an asshole to him.
DAY FOUR
10 a.m. Busy morning … again. Had dreams last night about M fucking me and his wife catching us. M has been texting all morning asking for pictures. My bathroom breaks today have consisted of me spread-eagle, sending snapshots. I really need to rethink my idea of morality.
5 p.m. M sent me a text that he’s jerked off three times today in the bathroom at work looking at my pictures. He has to delete them and is pissed. I’m pissed too because now I’m going to have to take new ones the next time he wants pictures.
11 p.m. D cooked dinner for us. He’s so thoughtful and very good to me. Hanging on the couch together catching up on our taped shows. I’m having wine as per usual. Not in the mood to fuck. I let him go to bed before me because I know he’ll pass out right away. I masturbate to amateur porn and come hard. Time for bed now.
DAY FIVE
6 a.m. FRIDAY! YES! FINALLY! I will be counting down the hours until I see M. Need to grab some wine for the hotel later and stash it in my office. This day won’t go fast enough. He gets VERY fired up when he knows we’re going to see each other so we’ll be sexting all day long. He will spend the entire day getting me worked up (not that I need it). His rule is that I can’t masturbate all day before I’m going to see him. I always abide. It is torture but I basically explode the second he touches me. He loves that.
11 a.m. M has been texting all morning about what he wants to do to me. I’m not allowed to masturbate so I’ve had to change my panties three times already I’m so wet. He keeps talking about fisting me. Sometimes he gets fixated on fisting. It never happens — I’m way too tight for that. But it definitely gets him very turned on to think about.
3 p.m. Two hours until I can get out of here and check into the hotel. I feel guilty leaving D alone on a Friday night. But he is going to go out to dinner with some of our friends.
When I meet M at the hotel I just tell D I’m at work late or out for drinks with friends. I’m no stranger to cocktailing so it works out fine. We trust each other (ironically enough) — there’s never any questioning. M and I don’t stay the night when we meet at the hotel, but when M’s wife goes away (which isn’t often), I stay at their place. That’s when I’m “on-call” at the hospital as far as D is concerned. I make sure to text D constantly so he thinks I’m at work when I have a night or two with M if his wife is away.
5 p.m. Headed to the hotel. We have the same routine each time. I get there first, I get the wine on ice, I get glasses, and I get naked. Now I wait for M to get here. Even after more than six years, I still get a little nervous before I see him.
12:30 a.m. On the train home. M and I had a great time. I hate leaving him. We always have a certain routine but it never gets boring: We always have very loud sex and then we order food, drink wine, watch TV, and lie in bed together until we have to go back to our real lives. We usually shower together before leaving each other but we didn’t have time tonight. Almost back home now. I can still smell him all over me. I don’t want it to go away.
DAY SIX
9 a.m. Woke up on an intense high from seeing M last night. I’m sore (in a good way) and it’s going to be a distraction all day long.
10 a.m. D and I are going to our niece’s basketball game and then out to grab a Christmas tree and have lunch. It will end up being a boozy bar crawl day. We have the best time together. I should feel guilty about last night but I don’t. I guess it makes me more of a horrible person because I don’t actually feel guilty. This has been my situation for so many years now, it’s just what’s normal for me.
4 p.m. D and I have been out all afternoon. Having a great time. M keeps texting me asking to FaceTime because his wife is out for the afternoon. He wants me to go to the bathroom and get off for him but today is D’s day. I keep making excuses to M and tell him no.
7 p.m. D and I grabbed a pizza and some wine on the way home. We watch one of our favorite movies and laugh our asses off. He goes down on me while I drink wine and then is pretty much ready for bed. I am not far behind. Long day out.
11 p.m. I look at my phone when I roll over and see that M has been texting me. He’s mad that I haven’t answered all night. Too bad, buddy.
DAY SEVEN
9 a.m. D and I wake up and have slow, hungover morning sex. I didn’t really want to fuck. I, of course, look at my phone before he has a chance to touch me and see that M messaged me all through the night. He knows exactly how to get to me. I think about him the entire time.
1 p.m. I haven’t heard from M all day. He was most likely up drinking all night and now will be MIA until tomorrow. D and I are just being lazy on the couch.
9 p.m. Uneventful day. I’m exhausted. Living a double life is tough. I am in bed watching TV and D is still watching TV in the living room. Does anyone else live like this? I wonder what M is doing with his wife right now …
