Dear Tinu,
I am in my early 30s and I got married about six months ago. I love my wife very much, but I am unable to understand her. She seems to be at loggerheads with my younger brother who lives with us.
I have let her know times without number that my younger brother is in my house to stay (we are only two and our parents are late). She must treat and accord my younger brother the same respect she gives me.
My wife and brother are always quarrelling and these quarrels seem to be instigated by my wife! It seems that she doesn’t want to understand that after a hard day at work, all I want is peace when I get home.
Recently, after a major quarrel between her and my younger brother, she threatened to leave. I have told her if I have to choose, she can be sure it won’t be her because blood is thicker than water. Since then, she has refused to speak to me. I am really tired of all these. After all, I didn’t marry two wives. Please help me.
Chima.
Dear Chima,
I will like to believe that the reason you have bothered to write for advice is because you want to save your marriage and/or want peace in your home. If you continue the way you are going, there will be no peace and you will soon find yourself out of a marriage or married to your brother!
First, you have to understand that marriage is a covenant between two people; not three or four. If you chose to marry your wife, then it’s an indication that you are willing to spend the rest of your life with her.
From the accounts you have written down, it seems you want your wife to be married to both you and your brother. While it is desirable that your wife should respect your siblings and every member of your family, you have to understand that respect is reciprocal. Your family needs to respect your wife too. The extent of their respect for your wife is an indication of the love they have for you.
Your brother may not like your wife (he doesn’t have to), but he has to respect her just because she is your wife! Talking down at your wife in the presence of your brother will not do you or your marriage any good. You must learn to speak to your wife privately, if you feel that there are some things that she could have done in a better way.
Never forget that a woman multiplies whatever you give her; if you give love, you get much more love. If you disrespect her, she will respond in ways you never imagined with lots of disrespect and anger.
I think it’s time to have individual conversations with your wife and brother. You have to remind your wife how much you love her, and determine not to put her down in the presence of anyone again. While your brother too should be told how much you love him and if he loves you too, he has to respect your wife as the woman in the house and partner for life.
I wish you all the best.
