Dear Agatha
I have a very embarrassing situation in my home. I got married about six years ago and for almost five and a half years, my husband hasn’t slept with me.
Being indifferent to sex, I really didn’t notice it at first. I only became bothered when it persisted and my hunger to have my own children became unquenchable and embarrassing for me.
I had to cry out when his mother started making big trouble for me. She, like my mother, is a staunch born again Christian who has never used relaxers on her hair or worn earrings.
But when it came to having a grandchild, she threw aside the Biblical teaching of patience and issued an ultimatum to me to produce a grandchild for her or leave her son’s house to enable another woman come in and produce a child for him.
When the problem became too much and the number of times I was forced to go to the mountains to pray for the fruit of the womb were becoming more than I could bear, I opened up to my mother that there is no way I can get pregnant since my husband stopped sharing my bed six months into our marriage.
Even in those few months he shared my bed, it was as if he was in a great hurry to leave. Once he was done, he would leave the room, rush into the toilet to take his bath and move into the living room to sleep.
Eventually he didn’t even bother to sleep in our room. He simply moved to the guest room and when we have visitors, he would come into our room and sleep on the floor. He eats my food, then talks to me only when necessary.
Honestly, if not for the child issue, I wouldn’t have even asked him or told anybody the situation in my home.
My mother couldn’t contain the information so she went straight to my mother-in-law to tell her what I told her.
Initially my mother-in-law said I was lying but when she confronted her son with the information, he didn’t bother to deny it.
When asked why, he told our sets of parents that I smell. He took a match stick to scratch at the back of my ears to prove his point. The flakes of dirt that fell from the back of my ears so much embarrassed me that I instantly began to cry.
He asked everybody, “If she is this dirty here, you can imagine her state where it matters the most.” My father hissed, looked at my mother and said, like mother like daughter.
To my pain, when his father asked why he didn’t tell me, he said since I didn’t consider personal hygiene important, why should he bother telling me? That he did what he thought was best by refusing to share in my personal unhygiene.
Without any feelings whatsoever, he said those few times he slept with me, he vomited from the stench. He also said since I didn’t bother to ask why he was avoiding me, he also didn’t think it important to explain himself to me.
To think my husband kept this from me until I opened up beats my imagination. How do I go about this problem?
Laide.
Dear Laide
Since your husband has identified the reason for his behaviour, your challenge has been made simple.
Forget the way he went about it; don’t bother yourself with that because in more ways than one, you are also very guilty of not trying hard enough to protect your home.
What were you looking at for this matter to drag five years? Didn’t it occur to you that you could lose your home to another woman or didn’t it bother you one bit if that happened?
Honestly, the fact that you didn’t protest is one cause for worry. Is it that you don’t love your husband at all or assumed it was normal for a man not to come close to his wife for over five years?
Beyond your dirty habit is the need for you and your husband to talk as frankly as possible. How did he manage all those years without sex?
No matter how principled a man is, temptation occurs from time to time. Being Christians is no assurance that he lived holy all these years. Sex,to a full grown normal adult, has no religion. When the desire comes, it takes the grace of God not to be tempted.
A man looking for an excuse to have an affair has a ready-made one in your lack of hygiene as well as your ‘I don’t care’ attitude.
You both have to be very honest to yourselves to avoid any unpleasant surprise in the future, especially for you.
The normal reaction to your kind of challenge is either for the man to be mean and announce his reason for avoiding the company of his wife or stylishly inform her of her problem to help her overcome it.
That your husband did neither and appeared so cold when discussing the issue with your sets of parents is a clear signal that you have a lot of work to do in the days ahead to re-engineer his interest in you and the marriage.
It is also time for you to face reality. Don’t assume he doesn’t have another woman outside simply because you are both Christians.
It would not be out of place to ask him in very plain language if there is already another woman outside and the hope for your marriage.
One thing is for you to change; another thing is for the mess generated in five years to clear.
Make it obvious you are asking not to cause trouble but to help you know how extensive your reformation project would be and what you should expect at the end of the journey.
Also ask if there are children outside your home whose existence you should know of.
Both of you have to find the reasons you got married in the myriad of problems confronting your marriage and together agree on the reasons you have to stay together. This way, your marriage would survive whatever comes out of this.
The solution to your chronic dirty habit is as simple as knowing how to bathe well and wash your underwears.
First and foremost, throw away all your present underwears and buy new ones. Get a small bucket to soak your pants in overnight.
Soak in detergent and hot water before washing. This will get rid of any unpleasant smell and accumulation of dirt that comes from improper washing.
The surface of your pants must be soft after drying; that shows it has no cake of dirt on it. When hard to the touch after drying, it shows you did a poor job of washing it.
Follow this by getting rid of your pubic hair as well as the one under your armpit. This ensures no hair traps in any sweat bead or secretion from your womanhood.
Smell from that area comes from improper handling of the various secretions women contend with every season of their lives.
Once trapped in the pubic hair, the woman can ooze hence the need for you to first clear the area clean of any hair. Also, after your monthly flow, ensure you wash the area with lime juice to remove any remnant of odour caused by blood in the area.
Everyday, devote attention to washing the area with sponge and soap. Start from the front to the back. Wash every fold thoroughly. Take your bath twice a day and wipe yourself each time you urinate to keep the area clean.
The belly button is another area that gathers dirt. Wash the area each time you take your bath. As a woman, lift your breasts each time you take your bath and wash under them to ensure no dirt finds any hiding place there.
Also, behind and inside your ears must be scrubbed each time you bathe with sponge to avoid dirt flakes finding home there, just as the space between your toes and fingers must always be washed too.
From time to time, enlist the help of your husband to wash your back thoroughly. As a matter of fact, you can both turn this into something very romantic to help both of you mend fences again.
Apart from getting pregnant, there is the need to ensure you create so many fun-spots into your marriage to drive home your need for each other.
Also, you must change your attitude to fashion and life generally. Learn to use deodorants and perfumes.
Being Christians doesn’t mean you should dress in shapeless and drab clothes. The most beautiful and wonderful things are from our God so why should His children always appear dirty and ugly?
There is no reason you shouldn’t be stylish and beautiful. It is a must if you intend to engage the interest of your husband at all times.
Good luck.
