By Tina Kanu
When a man discharges his duty as a husband it is very important that he has a good understanding of his leadership role in the home. He also has to realise that it is impossible for him to do it without divine help from God.
You must constantly and ceaselessly ask God for help for to lead your wife in love just as Jesus Christ loves the church.
When this leadership role is discharged on Biblical principles it gives the wife confidence and security which produce a submissive spirit in her.
You must rely on the Holy Spirit completely to guide your attitude towards your wife for the Holy Spirit to help you treat and love your wife the way Jesus Christ loves the church.
The Holy Spirit will also help you become the very leader your wife will cherish.
A woman’s instinct tells her the kind of leader her husband is. Whether it is God’s kind of leadership or the man is leading out of his own ego, a Christian woman feels more secure in a husband that sticks to God’s kind of leadership.
A man’s attitude in his role is of great importance. Do not assume that being the head of your wife makes you superior to her. That will make her wife feel threatened.
A good husband sees his responsibility as God given.
As a husband, if your leadership pattern is that of a controller, your wife will not trust you, she will only be afraid of you not out of respect but of intimidation.
As a controller you only use intimidation to control your wife.
Controllers only make rules that favour them, so although she may submit to you, she will never be open to you.
A man once asked me how he can prove to his wife that his leadership is God’s kind of leadership and that he is not trying to impose his authority on her.
I told him that a woman needs constant reassurance of her husband’s love, unlike the man who only needs little occasional reminders of his wife’s love for him.
A man may decide to do extra hours at work when deprived of love and still be fulfilled. But every woman, young or old, needs constant love and attention. When she is deprived of this, she feels insecure.
To fulfil your God-given task of loving your wife, learn to express your love with words such as “I love you, you’re so beautiful.” Give her small thoughtful gifts as well as help out with house chores.
Women need re-assurance in their marriage relationships.
They delight in little things that mean a lot. Your tender touch, a pat on the shoulder, and a tender word all do more than you can ever imagine.
Another way is to love your wife unconditionally. Your love for her should not be based on her performance because this will make her live with fear of not having your complete love unless she meets your expectation.
Don’t be too demanding, rather help your wife gain confidence and self-assurance. Commitment is to the woman you married and not the woman of your fantasy. Don’t compare your wife with that woman you admire outside. Make your wife attractive.
Don’t be tempted to focus on your wife’s mistakes and deficiencies, think of her positive qualities and you will be amazed to see that they outweigh the negative sides.
If she makes the same mistakes repeatedly, teach her to overcome such behaviour; but it must be done in love and not with criticism.
Some people grew up in a loveless environment, some grew up with no one showing them how to enjoy life or be happy. But this shouldn’t be an excuse because allowing your yesterday to control your today is all your choice.
If your past continues to control your present, you will not only make yourself miserable but those around you will live in perpetual unhappiness.
Another way to lead is by putting your priorities right. Men have different ideas of what their priorities should be but every woman wants to be at the top of her husband’s priority.
It is hard to keep your priorities in right order especially when children are involved. Even if children are not in the picture, most men face the temptation of placing their work projects or interest over their wives.
Children’s needs are urgent and immediate and you are the one to provide and care for them. It is true also that your wife is an adult and can take care of herself. But no matter what is occupying your time, give her attention.
Your wife should be your first priority. When a husband puts his wife above everything and everyone else except God, it gives her a sense of security and honour.
A man can also lead through transparency and integrity. Integrity is not who you are or what you are when all eyes are on you; it is what or who you are when no one is paying attention.
It is a morality level below which you can never fall, no matter the temptations around you.
A transparent husband is a man of truth, decency and honour. His wife can depend on his solid honesty.
A man told me of an ugly experience he had and I advised him to share it with his wife. He refused and said he was advised not to do so because it will make him lose his prestige.
I told him that his adviser does not know the meaning of marriage and love. I told him transparency is the law of love and that couples should hold on to it tightly.
Last but not the least is making sacrifices for your wife. In every genuine love, there is always an element of sacrifice. When a man leads his wife by sacrificing for her, he touches a deep spot in her which causes her to respond with gladness to him.
When there is an argument in marriage, you as a leader can humble yourself and initiate moves for reconciliation, even by asking for forgiveness when you are not at fault.
Let the Word of God in 1 Peter 3:7 guide you in discharging your God-given leadership role to bring lasting peace and overflowing joy and happiness to your marriage.
Shalom
