The pastor’s wife plays the biggest role in the success or otherwise her husband, and no one in the church seems more vulnerable than her. Woman Editor, TEMITOPE DAVID-ADEGBOYE, peeps into the life of pastors’ wives and sees an oxymoron
Pastor (Mrs) Folu Adeboye
Hope (nee Eyiwunmi) Joseph’s childhood idea of a peaceful adult life was not to be married to a pastor or general overseer of any church. For someone who grew up having a father who was an African Church Bishop, the many demands that her mother had to meet, even when it was least convenient, always played back in her mind at adulthood.
She disliked the idea so much that she even looked for the opportunity to talk about the only one side that the life of a pastor’s wife consists: agonising.
But as fate would have it, today, Hope is married to a pastor. Although she has come to terms with being one, she still has her reservations; she is fast settling down into the same rigours her mother and so many other pastors’ wives experience.
Pastor Mrs., Rev. Mrs., Mummy G.O., Mummy, Mama, Mother-in-mission, and Iya Yard are some of the names by which most pastors’ wives go by. And while some received the “call” personally, the fact that their husbands became pastors, even after they got married, simply qualified some others to be called by these names, and they have no choice but fit into it.
From faces like Pastor (Mrs.) Folu Adeboye of the Redeemed Christian Church of God (RCCG), to Pastor (Mrs.) Faith Oyedepo of Living Faith Worlwide popularly called Winners’ Chapel, and Pastor Nike Adeyemi of Daystar Christian Centre, the roles of a pastor’s wife are basically the same as any other wife in the church: to honour and support her husband. However, the pastor’s wife has to expand the breadth and depth of her own support, love and honour to all the members of the congregation.
In recent times, almost every church has the pastor’s wife being a pastor too. Does this mean the husband’s calling as preacher covers the wife’s as well? What does it mean to be a pastor’s wife? How does she cope with the many roles she is expected to play? Is it all glamour and prestige or do they have down times? How does she deal with women flocking round her husband, all in the name of seeking counsel? What about the many demands of the church members, resulting in the long and constant absence of her husband from home? These and many more questions come to mind when thinking of the life of a pastor’s wife.
Not every pastor’s wife must become a pastor, according to Bishop (Mrs.) Peace Okonkwo of The Redeemed Evangelical Mission (TREM), and Rev. (Mrs.) Oluwaseun Alawode of Maranatha Chapel, Ibadan.
According to Okonkwo, the strength and grace of God upon the woman is key.
“Even if a husband passes on, it is not compulsory that the wife would automatically take over as the general overseer. The most important thing is that the ministry should succeed. What we should do is to look at those that constitute the leadership and get somebody that can get the job done. You can be part of the nomination process, but don’t take the job; it will kill you. So, it is not automatic. It depends on the strength of the woman. It also depends on the grace of God upon the woman. We should not forget that aspect,” she said.
Buttressing her point, Alawode also stated that the wife can be in secular employment and still plays the supportive role to her husband, to ensure his ministry is a success. “The primary ministry of every woman is to be supportive. So, it is not compulsory she must be a pastor to play that role. She can be a banker and still support her husband with her money, time, prayer and godly counsel.”
As a pastor’s wife, some would rather not be full-time church pastor like their husbands, but would utilise their divine gifts to volunteer in different areas of ministry. However, their priorities are to God first, then to their husband and children, and then to the members of the church.
Very modest salary – an amount that most people would turn down, unpredictable long working hours, frequent travelling and ‘loneliness’ are some of the difficult things many of these women have to cope with.
She is also the most vulnerable person in the building, as she is likely the person to become the victim of malicious gossips, sneaky insinuations, impossible expectations and pastoral frustrations.
For Mrs. Temilola Babalola, Mother-in-mission, Powerlife Baptist Church, Obawole, the frequent travelling of her husband is sometimes worrisome.
“He travels a lot and sometimes, even when he is home, he could just be called at any time to attend to the members’ needs. During such times, which might be when I need him around too, you just have to let him go because that is what God has called him to do.
“Sometimes, getting a good night’s sleep can be impossible. The holidays like Christmas and Easter, when every other person enjoys with their family, are when the pastor has to be in church. Sunday evenings, most people enjoy dinner with their family in their homes; but this is something the pastor and the pastor’s wife do not have the luxury of. The things you take for granted, the pastor’s wife dreams about. That is when I miss him the most,” she says.
While Mrs. Babalola finds the frequent travelling of her husband most challenging, Mrs. Sayo Ogunnusi, wife of the parish pastor of Grace Sanctuary of the Redeemed Christian Church of God (RCCG), Ogba, Lagos, says ‘loneliness’, despite being among people, is the hardest thing to deal with.
“One of the hardest things to deal with is, despite that you’re surrounded by people on Sundays and mid-week services, that you feel utterly lonely. As a pastor’s wife, you’re expected to be perfect, or pretend to be. You are constantly under scrutiny by someone somewhere.
“Your husband’s salary is (so) modest that many people would turn it down. The hours are long and, at times, very unpredictable. You end up doing a lot of the work for the church that goes unnoticed, because it’s in the background, and despite that you work hard, there’s always someone to come in and ruin it by being critical.
“She cannot give a certain member a piece of her mind for criticising the pastor’s children, cannot straighten out the deacon who is making life miserable for her husband… She has to take it in silence, most of the time,” Ogunnusi said.
Beyond all these, the pastor’s wife also constantly has to fight for her husband’s attention because he’s also married to the church. These women also engage in fervent prayers to strengthen their husbands not to fall for ‘daughters of eve’ and evil attacks.
One wonders if there are any gains, if the pains are so many.
For many of them, being married to someone who is doubly responsible for caring for their souls and the joy and blessing of ministering to one of God’s chosen servants in a unique and personal way is joyous. Another gain is seeing their husbands make a success of what God has committed into their hand.
There are known pastors’ wives who seem to be perfectly happy as depicted on the numerous fliers and billboards seen. Perhaps, they have developed a thick skin. Or maybe they have stronger faith than others. Perhaps they haven’t experienced the pain felt by others. Perhaps, they’re faking it. Who knows?
Whatever it is, pastors’ wives live in a sweet-bitter world. Indeed, the life of a pastor’s wife is a tough one and only the rugged can weather the storms.
