Dear Agatha
About three houses away from where I live, there is a very secluded guest house where men wishing to hide their affairs come to now and then with their dates.
But for the heavy traffic in the evenings to that place, nothing about the house gives the impression of what it is used for. Being in a very responsible estate completes the camouflage of secrecy.
On my way from work one evening, I noticed a very familiar car. Since it was about three cars ahead of mine I couldn’t be sure by the time I drove through our estate security.
I know it entered into the guest house. There was no way I could go and check since I had work to do. Being a single mother of two daughters from two men, I take my job seriously.
I almost forgot until my friend called me around 11.30 that night to complain that her husband isn’t back from work yet.
According to her, he was busy with a new project. I almost told her I saw a car like that of her husband in my estate but I kept quiet.
In the first place, the husband doesn’t like me too much. He thinks I am a very bad influence on his wife because of my two failed marriages.
Second, he doesn’t even know where I live. For some strange reasons I don’t want him to find out because around him, I can’t trust myself to behave. His maleness is that potent.
I immediately knew what his new project was. That night, I didn’t sleep but kept vigil in the bedroom that looked directly over the compound. He left at about 12.30am.
For a month, I kept tab on him. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with the information I was gathering because I would be the last to tell his wife anything.
The wife remains my oldest friend and we have been through some wildlife together, boyfriend swapping, and all those naughty things we did as young women, visiting spiritualists to make men fall for and stay with us as long as we wanted.
It was this charm my friend actually used on him the first time they met.
I honestly didn’t mean anything to happen until one night I gave in to the temptation inside of me. I called him and gave him the name of the guest house on my street.
Since I knew when he would be coming, I waited for him outside my gate. That started the illicit affair between my friend’s husband and me.
It is been a year now. My friend, unknown to her, tells me everything happening between her and her husband, how he doesn’t come home anymore. I am always the one visiting her to prevent her from coming to my place.
Seeing how old and depressed she has become I want to end it all but I discover that I am deeply in love with him and don’t ever want to let go of him unlike all the other men in my life.
I deliberately got pregnant to keep him. He was happy at first but in these last couple of weeks, he seems to be withdrawing and don’t pick my calls. I know he is my friend’s husband but I have always wanted him.
You may condemn me but try to understand that I love him too and help me overcome this.
Idowu.
Dear Idowu
Try putting yourself in the shoes of your friend. Even if you are trying to justify your reason for obviously charming this man into your bed and arms, the fact remains that he isn’t yours to keep.
If you had done boyfriend swapping as young girls, is it an excuse for you to do what you are now doing to her? How would you feel in her shoes? And to think she still confides all her matrimonial problem in you?
No matter how attractive this man is he can’t be the only one with such charisma. Getting old and more experienced, the ways of life should have told you that the world is governed by responsibilities.
There is no way we can ever get all that we want from life. It would have been better this hurt is coming from an unknown person and not one she considers her intimate friend.
That she did her charms and got away with it doesn’t mean you will get away with the one you have done on him.
In the first instance, God is very fair in His judgement. She didn’t hurt another woman to get her husband.
You are hurting another woman, your friend, her children and home in the process of you having your wish fulfilled. This isn’t right.
Well, you are old enough to handle the pregnancy. It was your choice to get pregnant, so be prepared to face the challenges of telling that child how the husband of your friend became its father.
Begin from now to defend yourself against the condemnation of that child whose foundation is already faulty.
How do you expect that child, if he turns out to be a boy, to feel among his siblings and relatives?
As a mother you should worry about that time when the child is old enough to understand the politics, intrigues and shame that followed his or her birth.
If this pregnancy turns out to be a girl, what moral authority would you have to caution her against following in your footsteps? Don’t forget by then, you would no longer view life from this angle unless of course you think your ways remain the best.
There is nothing you can do anymore but to confront the ghost you have exhumed.
It is either you make the choice of staying out of their lives, conceal the identity of the father of your unborn child from your friend as well as think of an imaginary father in a far away land who is dead to give your child.
This way, you would be leaving the choice of exposing your affair to this man just as you must be prepared to go to your grave with this secret.
This option gives the child a free and fair foundation to begin life and exist as a product of true love and not a smeary one you planned for it.
You also have the choice to open up your can of worms by telling your friend you are the woman who not only stole her husband but also destroyed the peace of her home.
You can trust this option won’t be without a dirty fight, one in which both of you would expire untimely.
Before you consider this option think of your daughters who need you around, who may not be as strong as you might have fortified yourself spiritually.
Your girls may be targets of reprisal attack from a friend if she has your kind of heart and wishes to hurt you as much you have hurt her.
It is unfortunate you didn’t think beyond the immediate, but you must now if you even want to be alive to enjoy seeing this child you are carrying. It is only the living who get married and have children.
You have made a costly mistake; don’t complicate things further. Life is too fragile, and its tomorrow very pregnant.
For now, go away until you have the baby. Change your number so this friend of yours won’t be able to get through to you for a time. By the time you resurface, too much time would have gone for both of you to have the time to be close again.
Since apart from the fact you actually want to end this relationship, your also going away would help your friend and her husband reconcile their differences.
Over time they would find a stable ground to put this time behind them. Once both parties are determined to make it work, incidents like this can be forgiven.
You have had your wish to have a child for him, let him have her wish of a happy home. Having gone through two broken marriages, you should have an inkling into how she would be feeling now; her tension, fears and aches.
You said so yourself that she is suffering emotionally. Don’t you feel something die inside of you anytime you behold the face of someone who trusts you so much and thinks you are on her side?
Sincerely, this is the least you can do in this situation and the most honourable thing for you to do first as a woman, and second for the good times you once shared as true friends.
Good luck.
