Many churches lack active support system for matured singles and single parents, as well as the widowed, separated and divorced. Women’s Editor, TEMITOPE OJO, writes on the need to create opportunities for these people to experience true love.
There was an announcement that all the singles in the Church should wait after service. How come you didn’t wait?”
“Because the singles fellowship in my Church have no understanding of what singles really need. Moreover, if I had gone for the meeting, it will be full of children than my mates.
“The challenges that I am confronted with are not addressed, and I am tired of wasting my time. I would rather go for a show or watch a movie with my friends.”
Actually 38 years old, she has a nice apartment that is used for cell meetings of her Church. Involved with her boss in the office, she lost the virginity she kept for 33 years to a married brother in Church, and can’t have him totally to herself because of his wife. She neither can have her boss completely too because of his wife.
Her boss actually told her never to call him on phone because of his wife, and promised to make all the calls. So she has to wait for his calls, and when he doesn’t call, you may never imagine the pain she has to go through, as he may not come to the office for some days because of business appointments he has to keep in and outside the country.
After all, she is in love, only that she loves the wrong person.
When they first started the relationship, her boss made sure she was always on his team, and so they travelled together. But now, rumour has it that he is seeing a new girl in the office, and will do everything to make sure that the two ladies don’t meet. He is also ‘born-again’.
Desola, a single mother of three is faced with a similar challenge. At 44, she is saddled with providing for the material, educational, psychological, spiritual and emotional needs of her children who are seven, 13 and 18, even where her own needs are not met. She’s been at this since she got separated from her children’s father 10 years ago.
Her grouse with her local church is that though she is an active Church worker, the Church has nothing in place to cater for her own needs, other than the pastor preaching holiness and prosperity.
“All these are important, but does anyone care to know that I also have emotional needs. There are nights when I get home and I really need someone, other than my children, to give me a warm hug, but there is none. Sometimes, I wish I can share the burden of my children’s needs with a man, but there is no one. And to worsen my case, my local Church only has a youth fellowship that does not discuss my own needs. I can’t also attend the women’s fellowship without being looked down upon because most of them know that I am a single parent. So I don’t attend any of the fellowships,” she said.
The fact remains that many churches lack active support system for matured singles, single parents, widowed and separated or divorced people.
This is attested to by Bishop Samuel Alawode of Maranatha Ministries International, Ibadan and Tinu Agbabiaka, a certified relationship expert.
According to Alawode, “by the categorisation of groups, a lot of churches neglect those who fall under this category.”
On her part, Agbabiaka says “most churches have marginalised and probably ignored this set of people, and except something is done fast, some people who have gone through a first divorce would soon be experiencing a second divorce.”
Most churches only categorise members into the children, teenagers, youth, men and women departments, thereby denying matured singles (especially 35 and above), single parents widows and widowers, separated and divorced the conducive environment to express their views freely and problems shared, thus giving them a clearer vision of the beauty in their challenges and the opportunities that lie ahead of them.
Observers admit that failure to address the needs of this set of people has given rise to immoral relationships in churches. While some churches recognise the importance of ministering to these groups, others see them as “just okay”.
Some churches have, however, taken up the challenge of catering for them.
In Latter Rain Assembly (LRA), they are known as the 686 fellowship. The name was taken from Psalm 68:6 that says “God sets the solitary in families; He brings out those who are bound into prosperity; but the rebellious dwell in a dry land.”
In Fountain of Life Church, Ilupeju, they are called Ruth & Boaz Fellowship. In Maranatha Chapel, Ibadan, Pearl Fellowship is made up of singles from 30 and above, and St. Dominic Catholic Church, Yaba, has Potter’s Vessels for mature singles, just to mention a few.
But, what are the real needs of mature singles? What can be done to start having sincere relationships among Church members and not a situation where the ‘brothers’ continue to lie to sisters, exploiting them financially and sexually. What should be done to promote true friendship again – friendship that is sacrificial, that adds value to lives, and watch others live truly in happiness?
“The truth is that these sets of people are marginalised in most churches. A normal single group in a Church consist of youths to whom the pastors preach abstinence and how to choose a life partner. If you start early enough, it works.
“However, the coping mechanism for these sets of people are different. Someone who has never been married is different from one who has been married before. Someone who has been in a relationship and has had several disappointments is different from a divorcee or one whose the spouse died.
“There is also the issue of fear of moving on, low self-esteem and depression,” Agbabiaka said.
As a way forward, she, however, states that it is a specialised ministry and not every pastor can function in this ministry.
“Pastors should admit there is a need to cater for this group of people and identify those with gift and allow them to be in charge, so as to be more effective. The fact that you are a pastor does not necessarily mean you can minister on relationships.
“There are also cynical disillusioned matured singles. Some people feel their ways are already formed and there is nothing anybody can say to change their ways.
“Those who fall within this group, especially men, should also be more open. You find more women willing to talk about their relationship issues than men. If you organise events for this group of people, you find that there usually would be more women attending than men,” the relationship pundit added.
Jerome Onipede, another relationship expert, states that so many reasons are responsible for why singles get involved in illicit affairs.
His words: “We preach don’t, don’t and don’ts. People don’t do don’ts; they are left with not knowing the dos and how to do what we are meant to do. People need to do something. Tell them or show them more of what they have to do, and give them all the assistant they need to do them. Loose them and let them go.
“If nothing is done about the sex scourge that has hit the Church, she shouldn’t expect so much respect from outsiders, and ‘blessings that maketh rich’ from a holy God either.”
While acknowledging that it is a bit difficult dealing with these people because some of them have gone through emotional trauma and may not have the patience to stay in a church for long, Bishop Alawode advised pastors to do everything possible to minister to them still.
“The matured single, single parent, widow/widower, separated and divorced are a special set of people that require attention, and churches must see it as such. For some reason, their number keeps increasing and we must do something to make all-round progress. We need to create opportunities for the singles and married to experience true love, by organising decent social functions that encourage true friendships.” Alawode said.
