Japada: “When I returned to Nigeria some years back, I was turned into a mad man. Nigeria is a macho nation. It is a forgotten oasis of frustration, worry, fear, decadence and helplessness. You are on your own. It is a country that has no care on its heart for its own people. Nigeria will beat you into a pulp. It will burst your bubbles. It will betray you. You will cry at the bureaucracy. You will cry at the state of its roads. You will cry in the hands of artisans who will always come to do some odd jobs for you.”
By Taju Tijani
Ayo Alakija looked tired. He began to question his decision to relocate to Nigeria. Was it fit and proper? Was it an impromptu prompting? He dropped the book he was reading and grabbed his Bible. He knelt beside his bed and began to praise the Lord. The book, “How to Survive Harsh Third World Countries”, did not offer any succour. After an hour and half speaking to the Father, he rose up and grabbed his saxophone to belt out some tunes. He used to visit the Royal Albert Hall in London for jazz shows and the famous Ronny Scott in Camden Town.
AA is not your kind of sissy. He is hardcore. He believes in being tough in all circumstances. He sees life as a tug of war. He has fought the wars of life and possesses medals to show for it. He smiles at himself. He must release himself from this creeping depression and readjust his mental mooring.
“Life is beautiful. I am a champion. I am a winner. I can do all things. I am a conqueror. I am the elect assigned to win. I am a winner. I must win. Hahahahah”. He voiced out a barrage of self-talk.
His phone rang. It was the chief he met on his flight to Nigeria. Quickly, he dived for his phone.
“Ayo, good morning. It is Chief Bode Fatoyinbo. Remember me?” the chief said, as he waited for AA’s response.
“Ha, ekaro sir. Mo ranti yin sir. A ku ojo meta sir. I’m doing ok sir. I had in mind to call you today sir. I should have. I am so sorry sir,” AA responded enthusiastically.
“That is alright. I wasn’t expecting an immediate call. I wanted you to rest and gather yourself and shake off a bit of Europe from your system,” chief said smiling.
“Hahahahhha…beni sir.”
“You mentioned that you are retired. Then, what is your plan in retirement in Nigeria? You see you must have a plan. In fact, you must have multiple options of what you really want to do in Nigeria. Be it business. Be it consultancy. Be it contract hunting. You must get busy in Nigeria. Yes, you are retired, you must have your side hustles to give you daily income. I have seen cases of those who build a fantastic Eldorado of life in Nigeria. Many of them have japada to UK and US because of lack of planning,” chief opened.
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AA was afraid to offer an answer. He did not know what to say. His dream of Nigeria as Eldorado is now crumbling at the first shot. He came to Nigeria on a plain canvass. No plan. No plan A or B. He deported himself just because he was tired of living in the Western world of affluence and ordered life. He wanted a new experience. The pain, the agony and the tears of homecoming did not concern him. He only wanted an escape. AA wanted the freedom to roam, to sleep without the alarm waking him up.
“Sir, can I visit so that we could have an intimate talk? There are many things I could not say on phone sir. Please sir oblige me that honour. Any day will be fine sir. If you are in Lagos sir.”
“Emm, ok hold on let me check my schedule. Ayo, I will be in Abuja tomorrow for a week. So, come and see me next week in Alaka Estate. Hope that’s ok?”
“Yes sir, that’s fine. I shall make it by God’s grace,” AA assured the chief of his availability in a week’s time.
AA wore a navy coloured agbada and an Awo’s cap to match. He polished his Toyota Highlander and gave himself a smart grooming. He wanted to cut the right image. He wanted to impress the chief in their second meeting. He wanted the chief to see his preparation for success and fortune in Nigeria. He steamed his sun chaffed face and applied the moisturiser he bought from Savers in the UK. Driving from Maryland to Alaka Estate in Iponrin was easy. He made a detour at Ojuelegba. There, he bought assorted fruits as gift for chief: watermelon, apples, pineapple, oranges, carrot, cucumber, pear, plantain and a bottle of roasted groundnut.
“AA, are you ready for this talk, Mr Retirement? When I returned to Nigeria some years back, I was turned into a mad man. Nigeria is a macho nation. It is a forgotten oasis of frustration, worry, fear, decadence and helplessness. You are on your own. It is a country that has no care on its heart for its own people. Nigeria will beat you into a pulp. It will burst your bubbles. It will betray you. You will cry at the bureaucracy. You will cry at the state of its roads. You will cry in the hands of artisans who will always come to do some odd jobs for you.”
“Hmmm…I’m listening chief. I need to hear this talk to know how to adjust sir. Oga oo. With all the news talk of development and progress. One could still face all these odds,” AA said.
“I am not saying all these to discourage you. I am saying this to prepare you because you want to stay permanently. If you are on a flying visit, that is totally different. But you need a different mental rigour to live permanently in Nigeria. The first thing you will need to drop is comparing the UK to Nigeria especially when you are frustrated by the people and the madness around you. First, you will realise that we don’t value life here. We are all animals let loose to forage and devour anything and anybody that crosses our path. The Police is there to extort from you. The Road Safety is there to fleece you. The Okada rider is there to frustrate your driving. The Keke Marwa driver is there to harass you and shunt you off your own lane.”
Chief Fatoyinbo sipped his wine and watched AA from the side of his eyes. He called Samson, his house help, to dish out the meal he prepared for them. The chief moved AA to the mahogany dining table while the AC hummed at the background. It was a sumptuous meal of Irish and sweet potatoes, fried rice, fried plantain, egusi stew, Semolina, steamy pepper stew of goat meat, panla, bokoto and fish. AA was spoilt for choice.
“The business environment in Nigeria is daunting. You must be tough,” Chief Fatoyinbo said, as he devoured pieces of fried chicken and fried plantain before him. AA was busy lapping the delicacy of Semo, goat meat and egusi stew and downing the stuff with his favourite Star beer.
“Before I returned to Nigeria, I sold my house in the UK and came with real money. About forty million naira of that era exchange rate. Money had value but today our naira has no more value. I was a lucky man just like you. I met a classmate who really helped in the formation of my real estate business. He is today one of my partners,” Chief said, as he watched AA feasting voraciously on Samson’s culinary delight.
“Do you have enough money? Don’t rush into anything yet. Go back and chill for two months. Drive around and speak to people – from the lowly to the mighty. Watch Nigeria and Nigerians. Speak to business owners. Draw out plans in your head. Do the leg work. Speak to factory managers. Supply chains people. Come back to me after all the run around in two months’ time and tell me your findings,” chief gave AA an assignment and moved back to his living room.
…To be continued
