It saddens me every time I see, hear or read of a Christian marriage ending up in divorce. Another one bites the dust! Unfortunately, it makes headlines, only if they are men and women of God. Christians and non-Christians alike begin to comment, pass blame and judge completely, forgetting that people divorce daily, and if they are not careful, they may be the next in line.
I pray that these divorced couples get back together. That’s the ministry God has called me into. The power of God that put life into dry bones at the valley of dry bones and raised Lazarus from the dead is able to revive dead relationships, and I have seen it happen many times by the special grace of God.
While we devote our time to speculate, talk, criticise or judge marriages that end up in divorce, I believe it’s a good time to check how our own individual marriages are faring. “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall” (1 Cor. 10:12).
Let’s consider the following.
Divorce is the end of a marriage; it’s not the beginning. Divorce happens when one or both parties in the marriage are tired of fighting, arguing and/or pretending. This happens when one or both parties feel they have tried everything and it didn’t work. When a couple takes the decision to divorce, they do not care what their children, you or anyone else thinks about their actions. More often than not, the marriage has depreciated to the state that one or both parties are getting out to ensure survival, and once survival instinct is triggered, it becomes selfish (which is natural). In a situation of life and death, the rule is to save yourself first!
So what happens that takes a couple from a position of “I love you and wish to spend the rest of my life with you”, to “I curse the day I met you and never want to be around you anymore”?
A) Marriage ‘accidents’
They happen. All the time. These include but not limited to: neglect, lies, insults, distrust, infidelity, abuse (verbal, emotional, physical, financial) and a host of other acts that are unplanned but cause conflict in the home.
Accidents cause wounds! The problem really is not the accident, but the inability to treat the wounds appropriately. Most doctors admit that timely intervention, proper diagnosis and treatment go a long way in saving an accident victim. The treatment should not be superficial because if the healing doesn’t go deep down, the wound continues to fester inside. To a lot of people, the marriage looks fine, but the reality is that there are lots of accident wounds yet to heal. Leaving those wounds untreated properly usually leads to either a lifetime of marital unhappiness and grief and/or divorce.
While the wounds of physical abuse are usually visible for all to see and will most often heal quickly, if not grievous, the wounds of emotional, psychological, financial or sexual abuse, which are not visible, run very deep, cause more damage, are far more deadly and almost never heal completely. If not properly (not superficially) healed, they will ultimately manifest adversely. Anyone can have an accident. How do you treat your marriage wounds? Remember, no one is infallible.
B) Lack of/improper communication
The fact that one’s spouse is not complaining does not mean in anyway that everything is alright. Not everyone likes to nag. Some don’t like to ruffle feathers. These are actually the “dangerous ones”. Once they make up their mind to leave, there is no going back. Constant communication helps.
Speaking to one’s spouse (without nagging) keeps information flowing. You are more likely to be on the same page if you speak constantly. If you are not happy or okay with something, say it. What you say and how it is said also goes a long way in helping and growing a marriage. Questions like “how was your day?” mean more than a blow-by-blow account of the day. It also sends a message that you care about how the day went and how it affected your spouse. Knowing that your spouse has just had a tough day will make you go easy on him/her and probably do things that will help ease their tiredness, pain and/or pleasure.
C) Emotional affairs
It is possible to develop an emotional relationship outside your marriage. These types of relationships are not usually planned, but if you find yourself “more comfortable” talking to someone other than your spouse (especially of the opposite sex), you are already having an emotional affair.
Emotional affairs usually lead to a sexual one eventually. Unfortunately, they are very rampant in the Church. The resultant effect on the marriage is that by the time the emotional affair becomes a sexual one, the party involved is willing to risk everything, including their faith and/or marriage, to be with the third party involved.
The major problem with an emotional affair is that it seems harmless and sometimes those involved even attempt to justify the relationship and the time spent with the third party. “He is my husband’s best friend”, “She is my son’s school teacher”, “He is helping me set up a business”, “He/she is married” etc. We must understand that the fact that we are married does not mean we cannot be attracted to someone else. The watchword is “watch and pray”.
D) Lack of relationship tests (assessments)
These are a necessary part of life. A test or examination is an assessment intended to measure a test-taker’s knowledge, skill, aptitude, physical fitness, or classification in many other topics (e.g. beliefs). The initial step is to take a new entrant test, which will determine your level of understanding of the expectations of your relationship. This will be followed up by regular tests which earn promotion or re-sits.
Naturally, a Class 1 pupil will not be tested on a Class 5 pupil’s subjects. However, there are situations whereby a Class 5 pupil needs to be taken back to Class 1 to confirm understanding and correct wrong foundational beliefs. If you do not examine your relationship, how can you determine progress? How do you know what to keep doing or what to change? Most importantly, how can you become strengthened to face the strong wind when it blows?
By virtue of my calling, I know that there are lots of couples living together that have actually divorced in lifestyle but not yet on paper. A lot are either still together because of their children or just co-tenants; a time-bomb ticking, waiting to explode. Hearing and seeing couples divorce should serve as a wake-up call for us all. It takes two to marry, but one person is enough to initiate a divorce. Questions to ask are “I believe my marriage is great, but does my spouse believe so too?”, “I am happy, is my spouse happy too?”
Ignoring or pretending that everything is okay does not make a marriage work. Praying about a situation that you have refused to obey the word of God on too will not work. We have and can see that titled men and women of God divorce too. A lot of Christians hide under the guise of praying and end up messing up their homes. Let’s remember that unbelievers have great marriages too.
Is your marriage sick? Get treatment, get help, from professionals before it is too late. May the Lord help us all.
