“Breaking news, breaking news,” Ella’s voice came through the kitchen
By Lechi Eke
“Hello, Girlfriend?”
“Are you at home?”
“Yes, but about to go out.”
“Wait. I’m on your street. You’ll see me in a bit.”
“Breaking news, breaking news,” Ella’s voice came through the kitchen. Risi was entering the living room from the staircase carrying a handbag. The two friends met in the middle of Risi’s living-room.
“Girlfriend!” Ella cried, “You look take away.”
“Island babe, what are you doing on the mainland this early morning?”
“Frank is divorcing his wife!”
“Do I know anyone called Frank?”
“Basket mouth.”
“Frank of Family Mates?”
“Flatmates, Baby. Are you okay?”
“No, no. What does that mean? Who told you?”
“Frank. He broke the news on Instagram.”
“When?”
“Old girl, this morning. Sup? Wetin dey do you sef?”
“What happened to them?”
“He said how sorry he is and how after serious consideration, they, he and his wife thought it was the best thing to do.”
“Didn’t they just have a baby last year?”
“Their sixth.”
“Oh my God!”
“It’s terrible.”
“I’m going for manicure, pedicure and facials. Are you interested? What even brought you to the mainland this morning?”
“Amien’s husband returned last night from the US. Mehn, I have to go and collect all the money she’s been borrowing from me now that the dollars are still in his hands before his relations and friends will beg them away. You know this is Christmas.”
“Oh, that’s nice. But can’t you leave the money for your younger sister? (Ella gave her friend an evil eye and hissed) Are you coming with me to the spa, or are you going to Amien’s house now?”
“I’m hungry.”
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“There’s toast in the oven left over by Amen. You can heat it up and make tea.”
“No cereals?”
“I don’t run out of cereals, you know that. Check the dining table and take water from the dispenser.”
“What of Amen?”
“Gone out.”
“Are you still carrying face?”
“Ella, please. What do you mean carrying face? What he’s doing is it a light thing?”
Ella moved to the dining area and sat down. Risi brought her a white ceramic soup bowl with gold rim from the kitchen, a golden tablespoon in it. She placed it in front of her on the table. Ella picked it up and turned sideways leaning backwards to take hot water from the water dispenser. As she made herself a bowl of Golden Morn cereal, her friend sat opposite her and rummaged in her handbag for something. She fished out a card.
“My neighbour, Clara’s turning the big 40. Don’t know what to get for her. I’m not even in the mood for parties.”
“When?”
“This Saturday.”
“Ha! Is this Saturday not Ego’s wedding? Second wedding, pa pa! But I heard dude marrying her is loaded to the hilt. His third marriage.”
“Hmm…”
“Aren’t you going?”
“I’m not in the mood for weddings, o jare.”
Ella poured more cereal into her bowl and eyed her friend. “What’s the matter? You can’t be uninterested in parties all of a sudden. It’s not you.”
Risi’s eyes filled with tears. Ella pushed her plate away and got up and moved towards her. “What happened?”
“How I wish Amen would come clean and tell me he’s no longer interested in the marriage.”
“Good gracious! You’re kidding, right?”
Risi started crying. Ella pulled a chair close to her and put her hand across her shoulder. “What did he do this time?”
“What is he not doing? He’s no longer here.”
“He moved out?”
“No. His spirit is gone. I have a feeling he comes home to fulfil all righteousness.”
“That reminds me. I saw that girl, Florence. She’s pregnant. I hope they’re not still together?”
“Where?”
“In Lekki. Just two days ago. But she was with a guy, and not wearing any ring.”
“Stupid girl. That’s how she’ll be dropping babies for guys. She had a child before she dated Amen. I don’t know… All these girls – diabolical all of them. Always looking for rich guys to trap.”
“I hope she’s no longer with Amen – o! This one she’s pregnant with no ring. If she’s still with Amen eh? Hmm… I’ll beat that bastard out of her. I’ve been praying that God will bless you with twin boys to shut up your in-laws. Even one child will have a calming effect on Amen.”
“Go and eat your cereal. One child? How many children did Frank’s wife give him? Let me even see the story on Instagram. Is the wife’s picture there?”
“Yes.” Ella scrolled her phone and handed it over to her friend.
“Pretty girl, fa! See how aloof Frank is in this picture, see? I’m sure he’s the problem. He looks like he took the photograph to placate her. His mind isn’t in it. See?” Risi pulled out a white handkerchief from her handbag and snivelled into it and wiped away her tears with the back of her hand.
“My dear sister – o! I don’t know why it’s always men. Why will someone say I do when they don’t! If not for God, will I be a married woman today? You know all the trouble Babs and I went through.”
“Your brother solved it nau. Went to Babs and told him that if he makes you cry one more tear, it would be the end of his life. He put living fear into him. Shey, he likes women? He should continue nau.”
“But what kind of marriage is that? I trust God, my sister-o. Someone is with you because they promised to kill him if he’s not.”
“Maybe that’s what all our men need. You know navy guys no dey hear word. Babs know nau. As your brother tell am, either he marry or he no marry you. Rubbish! Shey, him know sey your brother they watch-am.”
“That’s the terrible thing about it – married to someone who’s faithful in quotes because he’s afraid of being killed by his in-law. You know I almost lost my mind, my sight started failing and I started losing my balance when I walked. My business started going down. I couldn’t keep up with restocking and taking stock. Hmm… one day, I just said, what the hell! Was I born into this world to be a married woman? Is that my primary assignment? I looked at myself in the mirror and was horrified to see a haggard woman looking unkempt with white hairs here and there, at 37? I said no. I’ll go out and have myself a ball. I began to love myself. I began to love my two little girls who dote on me. We began to dress up and go to dine out and go on boat cruises across the Atlantic. Risi, I fought depression – o! My girls and I will go to Yankari Game Reserve, to Obudu Cattle Ranch, to picnic on coconut beach, Lomé, to spend a weekend at Nicon, Abuja. I’ll dress to kill – putting my money on my body – skin exfoliation, facials, spa treatment, and guys began to notice me and asked for my number. Heyyy, baby, don’t you remember? I gave out my number –o (They began to laugh). Husband started eyeing me with suspicion. The green eye monster got hold of him.”
“Hmm… I never imagined that Amen would be this person I’m seeing now. I never thought in my wildest imagination…”
“Abegiii… away with your grammar! Let me finish my cereal. Wipe your tears. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Attend all the parties. Be alive – shuo! You’ll now come and kill yourself because of a man? Not worth it my sister, not worth it. My people say, don’t use your face to look for face, your own no be back of head.” Her phone began to ring.
“It’s Amien,” Risi said stretching her hand to hand over her phone to her. She picked the call and put the speaker on. “Amien, how you dey?”
“Sister, you said you’re already on the mainland. Where you dey, nau? Jude papa, mama, sisters and brothers say dem dey come this evening o. If you no come, no come ask me for money-o, or wetin Jude bring come.”
“No be me and you. I dey come. I dey Risi house. I dey come now now.”
“Greet Auntie Risi for me. You hear say Basketmouth don dey divorce im wife? God go punish all these men. I hear they get six children, six children, sister, and suddenly they no fit manage marriage? Na God go punish am. If na me, I go kill am!”
“Amien, abeg, I dey come. See you. Tell Jude I dey for road. Na greet I wan come greet am. And dey tell am say you borrow plenty money from me. Mek e no ask me how much-o. This na Christmas, mek e do wella for me-o! See you, my baby!” She ended the call.
“Amien!” Risi laughed.
“You know she and my elder brother military dey for their blood (laughing). Amien fit kill im husband if she know say the guy dey cheat. Listen, mek we go church this Christmas. It’s Jesus birthday.”
“I’m tired, abegi. Jesus know say I dey?”
“Haba, Risi! I don dey tell you since mek you dey go church. Since my neighbour wey dey Paul Adeferasin church dey come carry me and my girls dey go church, I don dey see change for my home-o. All the prayer dem dey pray for there, my neighbour say mek I dey collect am. E don dey work small small-o. Last night, Babs come for kitchen, come hold me for back, come kiss my neck. You fit go TREM since you live on the mainland. I hear say Bishop Mike Okonkwo na Paul Adeferasin’s spiritual father. And I hear say the man dey pray well well. This problem with Amen is nothing before God. If he no agree, God fit kill-am mek im give you chance mek you go marry another person.”
Risi started laughing, “Oh, my God, Ella! You’re as military as they come. Abeg, let’s be going.”
…continue from next week.
