By Ifedimma Onwugbufor
In intimate relationships, the stakes are high and the expectations are unusually out of the reality of subsistence. The toughest framework under which emotional abuses thrive is religion. Humans remain selfish in their quest for happiness, for fulfillment, for comfort, for gain, for consolation/pacification, for ownership, and for survival; and this desire are usually hinged on the diktats of organized religions. The Holy books are written by men (with inspiration); yet people consciously condition their minds that they ‘are’ the word of God, rather than ‘contain’ the word of God. How difficult is it to accept the indisputable fact that humans are fallible? And if this be so, the authors of Holy books are also fallible, and subject to mistakes and misinterpretations.
For convenience, many Christians distinguish certain verses of the Holy book to emasculate what commonsense should be able to take care of. Hence, they interpret verses from Holy books out of context, many times. It is at the backdrop of this that Genesis 5: 2 is misinterpreted as referring to monogamy: “Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created.” (KJV) In fact, this verse is perceived as condemning polygamy and bigamy in very strong terms. Unfortunately, religion and the social construct of Nigerians have emotionally ‘scammed’ mankind; for while religion regards digamy as adultery, the prevalent social construct assumes it is needless for a woman or a man who already has kids, to remarry after the demise of a partner or divorce.
Bearing religion in mind, there is an automatic mindset of entitlement which arrogates to individuals the power to embarrass, harass, abuse and humiliate their partners due to activities which they perceive as constituting infidelity/betrayal. Consequently, people engage others of the opposite sex on social media pages, offices, and public places, powered by a destructive ownership mentality over an adult. It is intoxicating to lay claim on people and this trend, unfortunately lends credence to the rate at which men are stabbed or scalded, and women are beaten to death, or even publicly disgraced. This is usually the worst scenario; else, a regular scenario will witness several months, if not years, of partner-trolling constituting emotional abuse.
The ‘utopiac myths’ built around intimate relationships and marriages could be the reason why civility is enmeshed into the modern social constructs that characterize African societies as we have them today, especially Nigeria. Embracing Christian diktats continues to erode the humaneness within which the society functions naturally. It is at backdrop of this, that even individuals who are products of polygamous marriages are vehemently opposed to polygamy, for instance.
Recent updates, especially in the social media, record spates of overreactions of women against other women, who are derogatorily referred to as ‘sidechicks’. Married women wage war to disgrace, maim or scald other women who they suspect may have amorous relationships with their husbands. Unmarried women have also joined this trend of ‘ownership mentality’. The eruption of the Anambra saga, in which two females and a male were prosecuted and found guilty of setting up an unsuspecting female who is eventually invited to a certain location in disguise, beaten up and stripped naked, explains the dystopia Nigeria has degenerated to. Many other similar incidents have been shared in the social media.
The focal point of this discourse is not to justify infidelity in relationships/marriages, judge those who indulge in it, or condemn actions of people who are involved, but to establish the extent to which these can lead to emotional and sometimes, physical abuse. As soon as bodily harm is inflicted, it becomes statutorily a criminal offense.
The question is: should you snoop on your partner’s phone? Beyond other causative factors of emotional abuse, access to partners’ devices is only permissible with the consent of the holder. Unfortunately, this constitutes bottlenecks in the controversies which surround infidelity. It is tough to educate Nigerian women on the inappropriateness of snooping on their partners’ computers, telephones, etc. In fact, this is one issue most women are emotional about. Yet, the inaptness and unwholesomeness of this attitude cannot be overemphasized.
It is what it is. As many as the number of such perpetrators are, going through other people’s privacy is not only philistine, but also, depicts lack of trust, self-confidence, and a sign of psychosis. Apart from phones and computers, ransacking people’s homes, safe, wardrobes, personal files/folders, and other personal effects falls within this category. This refers to every relationship.
Humans deserve the opportunity to be able to trust themselves and keep their own secrets, even their misbehaviours/mistakes, and that of others. Therefore, searching people’s phones and other private storage without a legal/statutory backing or consent lays bare, personal information which have been entrusted in their care by others. This is one of the biggest disasters associated with prying into people’s personal effects. Extending this analysis to marriages and intimate relationships, there is usually an urge to establish the fidelity of partners. Couples go out of their way, many times, to investigate gadgets of their partners in order to retrieve proofs with which they can guilt-trip them, or clarify gray areas.
Outside legal investigative purpose, the violation of people’s phones is unacceptable, by civil law. According to a web publication by an organization, Web Foundation titled, Personal Data Protection in Nigeria (2020, March), “In Nigeria, the right to privacy is a fundamental human right guaranteed in Section 37 of the Constitution in particular, Section 37 provides that, ‘The privacy of citizens, their homes, correspondence, telephone conversations and telegraphic communications is hereby guaranteed and protected.’” (9)
Your partner, parent, adult child, friend, colleague, etc., is first a human, next, a Nigerian, and as the case maybe, an African with the African Union provisions guaranteeing his or her privacy rights. Therefore, the preposterous practice of accessing phones belonging to other adults without their consent, is totally condemnable. Many beautiful relationships have been destroyed and marriages put off, due to issues relating to violation of phones belonging to partners without their permission. Unfortunately, people who indulge in this dishonourable habit, even when they find the so called ‘evidence’ of cheating/infidelity, do not use them in good conscience.
Apart from men who mostly make good their threats, many women who have discovered the philandering activities of their men through searching of their phones, usually do not leave their men, or institute cases against them, legally. Violating your partner’s privacy asides being abusive is a breach of confidence.
Cracks in relationships are intensified not exactly by one-on-one experiences, but by third party interference. This third party intrusion stimulates the impulse to snoop on a partner’s privacy. Many partners do not truly forgive partners who violate their privacies by any means, for any reason. Even when they do, a crack is usually left in the relationship because in the future, information revealed in the course of that violation is used against the offending partner, deepening the pain of distrust and meddling which this implies. It is within the trajectory of this realization that emotional abuse is established.
Ifedimma Onwugbufor is a lecturer, social critic, and author of seven books.
