Anatomy of the Nigerian politician

In insurance, one of the difficult decisions to make is whether or not to provide cover or protection for a client with goods or commodities with inherent vice. Vice here means unwholesome, a disposition to choose evil, or generally, something negative. Inherent means existing in someone or something as a permanent characteristic or quality. Accordingly, an importer of salt from Europe to Nigeria will pay more premium than another importer bringing in steel members even when the two commodities are of equal monetary value. This is because the former can easily be destroyed upon contact with water, while the latter can survive different conditions and situations. Salt will always be salt – created or made in its peculiar form. So is steel.
The Nigerian politician has a large dose of moral hazard. It follows, therefore, that he can hardly, on self-recognition, purchase a Fidelity Guarantee policy or a Professional Indemnity Cover. Any underwriter who sells any of these products to a Nigerian politician should simply set aside the sum insured because the crystallisation of a claim is a fait accompli.
Let us take a deep look at a typical Nigerian politician and discuss those vices that stand him out from the crowd. We are leaving a five per cent margin for error.
He prefers politics to a career or professional calling. This is because politics offers a very high return-on-investment (ROI). Just do all you can to win in an election and your jumbo package is almost certainly guaranteed for four years, even when for the rest of the period after an election the politician does practically nothing until the next election.
He supports the quick passage or amendment of any law that will make it almost impossible for his constituents to recall him for bad representation.
There is a lack of ideology. To him, he can swing between being a progressive and a conservative in a matter of hours. He hardly understands the meaning of ideology.
He has no modicum of decency or integrity. Where else in the world do adults exchange blows as is the case with our politicians. Wives and children watch as charlatans disguised as politicians fight dirty publicly, and the following day, they move on as if nothing happened yesterday.
There is exceeding love for (unearned) titles. With money, chieftaincy and academic titles are at his beck and call.
He flaunts his (ill-gotten) wealth. He makes sure that his house stands out in the community, buys off all landed properties around his house, so that the houses of the poor do not deface his mansion.
Cultism is allowed. He is either training an illegal army to protect him or to fight his opponents. The boys who were used as thugs and dumped between 1999 and 2003 in the Niger Delta region did not return their guns to their masters. That marked the beginning of militancy.
Sometimes, he eats his tomorrow today. When he sells all his belongings for an uncertain political office, he becomes pathologically insensitive to everything around him, and in the (sometimes) likely event that he loses in the process, his nuisance value skyrockets.
He is barely literate. Forget his posturing, or the defensive mechanism he employs to cover his complex; he focuses on the easier task of money-making and avoids the technical exigencies of his vocation. The next time a technical bill is being debated, watch the number of senators and members of the House of Representatives who will take mental flight and embrace sleeping and snoring. The brain has been configured to accept discussions bordering on pecuniary rewards, and to reject any intellectual discourse with any bombastic sound.
He is corrupt emotionally, psychologically, morally, politically, and is quick to import words to justify any action taken. So, misappropriation becomes misapplication; unexecuted project can be “due to cost variation”.
The Nigerian politician is very predictable. He will change his telephone number when he occupies a position. We will become a nocturnal animal; he will attempt to change his accent for effect.
He spends so much of public funds to advertise the very little job done. A state governor who provides a community with a N3 million borehole will on the day of commissioning invite dignitaries from other states and possibly pay a TV station over N5 million for a 30-minute coverage and documentary. A former governor of one of the eastern state spent a large chunk of the state’s funds advertising the state and projects which he completed only in his dream on foreign TV channels.
He breaks the laws he is expected to respect and obey. He drives against traffic at a maddening speed, accompanied by a retinue of security personnel including the police and other bodyguards. He jumps the queue, arrives at events quite late when every other person is seated, so that he can be “properly” noticed, and generally breaks established protocols.
He is thick-skinned. He feels no insult, takes no corrections, does not care a hoot about the blood of the innocent shed by him directly or vicariously because shame is the first thing he drives away from his consciousness during his political initiation.
He is an expert user of guile. He knows he is dishonest, and that the next person we may want to vote for is not any better, and therefore, invests in deceit, in contemptuous behaviour, and makes us even more gullible because he continuously sharpens his monstrous cruelty with gusto.
Any Nigerian politician who does not have any, or all, of these characteristics should bring me a sample of his great grandfather’s urine. Reactions are invited, especially regarding the five per cent margin for error. Too much? Too little? Spot-on? If acceptable, then pray that your governor, senator, House of Representatives member, state assembly member, or councillor falls within this hallowed exception-to-the rule group. Good luck.