By Tina Kanu
In today’s society, there are many articles on sex and illicit romance, but little to encourage Christians to enjoy sex in marriage.
I believe it is time to break the ice and address sex in marriage with balance points.
First and foremost, sex in marriage is all God’s idea, not man’s. God intentionally designed sex in marriage as a vital part of a healthy marital relationship. Married couples are meant to enjoy it to the fullest.
Love making enriches the commitment between a man and a woman who have entered into the covenant of marriage.
Sex is not just the physical act. It involves feelings of acceptance, showing each other that he or she is loved, even with all his/her fears, flaws and inadequacies.
Sex is more than an activity. It is a pleasurable and fulfilling experience. Sexual intimacy binds together two people in the deepest way but for only those who are married.
Sex is permitted in God’s Word. First Corinthians 7:3-5 advise husbands to fulfil their marital duties to their wives and likewise wives to their husbands.
Neither of you owns his/her body. So do not deprive each other. This means that sexual intimacy is giving yourself to your spouse.
Sex is not a kind of reward. It is not something you have a right to give or withhold to manipulate your spouse. It is also not a way to show your spouse that you are hurt about something he or she said or did. Some wives are known for this.
Sex shouldn’t be used that way.
The Bible says do not deprive, defraud or refuse each other except by mutual consent and for a time to devote yourselves to prayer.
When we are married, we no longer own our body and our partner’s physical attention must not be denied. The frequency of sex depends on your partner’s need and not yours alone.
Your attitude to sex shouldn’t be about what you need or what you don’t want, because that is not God’s perspective.
God wants us to comfort and complete each other in marriage.
When a man’s sexual need is fulfilled, he feels very confident and satisfied in his marriage; but when he feels unfulfilled, it negatively affects his confidence level as a man.
Sometimes the reverse is the case, where the woman is being deprived of sexual intimacy by her husband. She feels frustrated and unloved.
May we not take our sexual union in marriage for granted, in the Name of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Sexual intimacy should be about bringing pleasure to each other and not just your personal pleasure.
Sex involves a wife pouring herself out for her husband’s pleasure and the husband receives and gives back to the wife as well.
The deep spiritual significance of marriage speaks of the fellowship between Christ and His Church. There is honest expression, communication and satisfaction in this fellowship.
Couples must learn to get through to their partners. Get to know how he/she likes to be touched and look for the right timing. This is very important.
A lot of women complain they do not know how best to get through to their husband. Just take time to know what he likes and when he wants it.
It is interesting to read the romantic exchange between Solomon and the Shulammite woman in the Song of Solomon. You will notice that each is not focused on him or herself, rather on the other person.
Solomon is full of praise for his love and wants only the best for her while also hoping for her pleasure. The Shulammite woman has the same feeling and intensions towards him.
What this tells us is that sex is not just looking for what we can get, but for what we can give.
Therefore, for a couple to experience pleasure in sex, the communication line must be kept wide open. Take a tip from the way Solomon and the woman of Shulam communicated intimacy with each other.
Men and women have different needs, desires and expectations about sex and there is no other way to know our needs except through intimate communication.
Conveying thoughts and feelings about sex is not easy. Couples find it difficult to identify or verbalise things that please them. It takes time to communicate and work through conflicts and to build a creative love life.
You must both find a comfortable time and place for such conversation. Be gentle and patient while trying to discover each other’s likes and dislikes in sex.
We must also learn to appreciate our spouse’s efforts to make us happy.
Remember, no man or woman can become a great lover without a responsive spouse.
Make up your mind to give yourself to your spouse in joyful abandonment. Help him/her to know what he/she is doing right by complimenting him/her in a gentle manner with words such as ‘I love that’, or ‘does that feel good to you?’.
Couples must make sex a priority in their marriage. Whether all conditions are perfect or whether you feel like it or not is not the point.
The point is meeting the needs of each other and keeping communication lines open.
For a wife, sex comes out of affection. She does not want to be affectionate with a man who makes her feel angry, hurt, and lonely, disappointed, and overworked, unsupported, uncared for and abandoned.
But for a man, sex is pure need. His eyes, ears, brain and emotions get clouded when that urge to release comes.
He has trouble hearing anything his wife says or needs when that area of his being is neglected.
And wives sometimes have it backwards. We feel we can have sex when we get these issues sorted out, not knowing that there are better chances of settling them if sex comes first.
A man can easily be made to feel insignificant, beaten down, discouraged and destroyed, and can even fail into temptation in this area of his being.
For a man, or almost in all men, this is the most important means of fulfilment and there is no more vulnerable area than this.
Couples should also understand that as they grow a little older, life gets busy, women especially often get physically exhausted from taking care of the kids and home and perhaps working outside the home.
At times like this their sex life most times becomes a kind of routine.
Sex to them is no longer as exciting as it was in the early stage of marriage but with communication it makes it a lot easier and better.
No matter what stage you are in marriage, constantly look for ways to bring spark and excitement into your love life, especially the women.
Every wife makes frantic effort to serve her husband a good variety of food and not serve him the same kind of food every day. Why serve him the same sexual response time after time.
Sex, like food, loses much of its flavour when it becomes totally predictable. Couples must step out of the ordinary and make the love life extraordinary.
Here are some fun tips to try: touch him or rub his back and know how he likes it.
A soft sexy flirtatious touch can build the mood and give the non-verbal clue you are looking for something.
Call him or her at the office using a soft sex voice, tell him you are looking forward to his coming home from work.
Prepare a romantic dinner just for the two of you. You can send the kids to their grandparents or arrange for them to spend the evening with friends.
Look into his eyes, listen to him and don’t talk about the cares of the day or the children. Just enjoy each other’s company.
Put some effort into looking sexy, be fresh and appealing in the bedroom. The point is to show your spouse that he is important to you.
Sex in marriage is very sweet and wonderful; spice it up with a new variety and have fun.
If children are away, make love in the living room sofa, cuddle with your spouse in the kitchen, try new places for your sexual pleasure.
Men should know that women see sex in a wider setting than the bedroom. She sees it in the total setting of her relationship with her husband in every aspect of marriage.
For women, sexual arousal does not begin in the bedroom though it may end there. It begins in an atmosphere of love and tenderness hours before sex.
Prepare your wife for sex in the living room not the bedroom.
Don’t wait until your wife gets into the bedroom before telling her you love her.
Don’t just sneak up at her back at night and start dragging her underwear with her.
Prepare her during the day, tell her sweet things like: darling I love you, I can’t get enough of you; look her straight in the eyes and tell her she is beautiful.
Do not allow your sexual moment to be like that of a carpenter and wood and nail.
Get your wife to enjoy your loving and romantic attention and see how she will always look forward to being in your arm every other moment.
I will like to say categorically that sexual intimacy is meant to be shared only with your spouse (that is, your wife or husband).
It is a sin when sex is done outside of marriage. Please watch how you dress, how you act and what you say to other men or women.
Sex is strictly for you and your spouse and no one else.
Sexual act is one of the most beautiful experiences in the world. During the sexual act two married Christians can enjoy themselves, and the openness they share with each other can result in openness to God.
The result of your closeness to your spouse is always seen in your relating more closely with God.
Sex is not dirty as seen by some Christians. We are doing what God designed for us to do. Seen in its proper light and within the bounds of marriage, sex is one of life’s most pleasurable experiences.
But enjoy your sex life only in marriage.
Shalom
