Last night my mother said “good night” to me using her own pet name for me. T’was music to my ears and a balm for my soul. I can’t remember the last time she addressed me by that name. That made me feel there is hope for joy in our family this season and for years to come no matter the roadblocks ahead. We said “goodnight “ to each other three times last night. Sometimes I add, “ I love you,” to the “good night” and she says “I love you too.”
Most mornings I greet her with a flourish: Good morning oke mma (great mother). This is the day the Lord has made, And most mornings she chimes in: And we shall surely rejoice and be glad in it.Then I ask: Did you sleep well? And she asks “gwo kwani?” (What about you?)
The other day my mother surprised me by “itum afa” —- she hailed me by my namesake’s name (my paternal grandmother’s). That is the name my father’s side of the family uses to “itum afa.” We have this custom of conferring not only names, of close relatives and friends on children but also the character and achievements of the original name bearer encoded in praise names.
My late father was very good at showering me with those praise names especially when I returned ho me after being away for a while. I can still see him through the blinds in our living room making his way to the door to welcome me with fanfare. Many others in my village get this kind of star treatment from their loved ones. One father from my village who lives in America with his family told me he and his wife take their children back to our village so relatives can give them this kind of exuberant welcome. In America they are just another Black kid, but back in the village they get to know who they are and their proud legacy.
Given this context you can see why the “itu afa” from my mother meant a lot to me. My mother and I have a lot things to work through and I thank God for giving us the opportunity to do just that. I crave a mother’s love and affection at this very difficult time in my life and since I have no other mother I tell her that. Like the Bible says, I try to call forth things which are not as if they are. I am also reminded that Christ died for us while we were yet sinners.
Once, I even tapped my mother on her shoulders during a household-wide argument and wailed, “You are my mother and I need you to support me.” In the past, I would have probably gone away to sulk but these days I am learning to tell her my needs. It is usually difficult for people to tell others their needs because we expect others to anticipate our needs. We also feel: if I have to tell you my needs before you meet them, the joy of having that need met is diminished. I’m learning that half joy is better than no joy.
Sometimes, after reluctantly stating a need the need is met in ways we did not anticipate —- like being called by a cherished name. I have told other family members that if I had died after the Friday that my mother called me by my grandmother’s name I would have been very happy that my mother and I finally built the kind of relationship that I have yearned for a long time. Things degenerated the next day but the sweet memory of the use of the praise name was still lingering and that helped to keep hope alive.
Even as I “call forth” I also set firm boundaries in ways that may surprise and displease other family members. At this stage in my life —- having passed the half century mark in age and fighting cancer, I feel entitled to more respect and TLC (tender loving care). The Bible exhorts children to honour their parents and also says to parents: Do not provoke your children (or damage them with words that harm — and not heal).
I hear that some churches preach that parents should continue to run the lives of their unmarried adult children. Many other churches preach that everyone must marry. My mother subscribes to the above teachings and the way she expresses them elicits unpleasant reactions from her unmarried children.
I continue to enjoy Devotion time with my mother. We pray and read Scripture —- usually in the morning. I told her the other day how happy I was that we are both Christians and we can both revel in the power and the majesty of God’s word. We share the Grace every day ending it by reciting the last line of Psalm 23. Some days we also recite the Apostles’ Creed and the Lord’s prayer.
May you be the instrument of peace and joy in your family this season.
