By Tina Kanu
The institution of marriage is going through serious trouble. An institution designed by God to be a lifetime relationship between two partners is breaking apart.
This to a large extent is caused by wrong teaching and counsel on divorce.
Unless we pay heed to God’s Word, we will never have a fulfilled marriage. People should be handled compassionately, but we should never sacrifice God’s standard because we don’t want to hurt feelings.
We must speak the truth since it is the only way to freedom.
Some Christians no longer want to hear anything about Biblical standards. They say things like: “Everything is not about God”, “My case is not covered by anything we read in Scripture.”
Some of the problems are not about divorce but hardness of heart. And the only thing that can cure this hardness of heart is a fresh touch from God that reaches deep into one’s personality and refuses emotions and reconstruct thoughts.
Unless we acknowledge our different personalities or temperaments, we may not be able to reconcile our differences.
When we don’t understand our personalities, according to Florence Littauer, we will find it difficult understanding each other.
Recently, I came across a very good book written by Florence Littauer, a personality expert, which talks of different personalities and temperaments.
If couples can understand their personalities, it will save them from much pain and frustration in marriage.
Littauer exposed four different personality traits.
But in spite of personality differences, I know our God can affect every area of our lives if we give Him the chance to transform us.
The four personality traits are (1) Melancholy; a perfect personality (2) Choleric; powerful personality (3) Phlegmatic; peaceful and sanguine, the popular personality.
Melancholies are deep, thoughtful, introspective, serious, and perfectionistic. Their motto is, if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right. They find it difficult to admit their faults. They feel led to correct their partner almost always.
Melancholies need sensitivity and support from others and require space and quietness to think before they speak or act.
Cholerics, like melancholies, think they are right. Cholerics don’t think, they know they are right. They do not succumb to opposition; opposition only fortifies their determination.
They are more interested in getting their desire than getting along with others. They make sure they win in every argument. They are the dynamic leaders of life. Their motto is: just do it.
They strive for control and always expect credit for all their achievements. They are opinionated and stubborn.
Phlegmatics are reserved, but enjoy being around people. They don’t talk as much as sanguines; they seem to say the right thing at the right time. They are steady and stable.
They are security conscious and as such like to create safety for their spouse and children. They are the peace keepers, they always provide for their families and assist people in need.
Sanguines are fun loving type; very sunny and outgoing. They draw people to themselves just to have a good time. They sometimes look confused and forgetful.
They are talkative. They can turn an ordinary event into a soap opera. They are humorous and fascinating. They seek the attention, affection, approval, and acceptance of those around them.
Sanguines are very friendly and very optimistic. They are disorganised, emotional, and always worry about what others think of them.
It does not take long to get the idea of which personality we’re most like. Once we understand these inborn personalities, we can see why even people from the same family fight and disagree sometimes.
Marriage is a union between two people from different family backgrounds and these two people often carry two different expectations into their marriage.
This often results in confusion but understanding our partner’s personality will help us form more realistic expectations.
To achieve visible change in our lives and marriages, we need to ask God for help. Once He comes into our lives, He supplies all the energy and strength to build a lasting love.
We must allow God to reconstruct, soften, and humble our hearts. We must learn to see things through God’s way and not the way we think they should be.
Don’t spend your entire life wanting God to change your spouse, rather ask the Lord to change you.
God made us to fill our partner’s weaknesses not to drive ourselves crazy trying to change the other person.
Now let’s look at some of the issues that cause conflict in marriage and how the different personalities deal with them.
Money: money causes a lot of conflict in marriage which, if not carefully handled, will break up marriage.
Some personalities prefer to spend money on anything that gives them fun, some have long term savings goal, and give attention to every tiny detail. These goal oriented personalities fully investigate before spending.
Some feel they have the right to control their money and decide what to spend it on, and what not to spend it on, irrespective of how or what their partner’s needs are.
Some shy away from their financial responsibilities and expect someone else to shoulder their duties while their money stays safe in the bank.
So learning to appreciate and balance our spouse’s view on money will help keep us away from financial trouble.
In spite of our personality differences, God does not intend marriage to be a “me” thing.
Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh.”
We should have a common goal, vision, purpose, and direction because marital joy is only possible when there is a common goal.
Sex: just like the issue of money, some personalities want sex to be fun and creative. Some want it romantic, taking time to prepare for sex, others want it quick and unplanned.
Yet some want sex only on special occasions or events. They need sex to be meaningful, slow, and not too frequent.
With all these differences, couples are bound to have conflict in the bedroom. Couples should learn to talk about their sex life and not to shy away from it.
Even with all our differences in personality, we must heed God’s instruction on sex.
The Bible says, “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body but the husband and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body but the wife.
“Defraud ye not one another except it be with consent for a time that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer and come together again” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).
The Bible is very clear about sex in marriage and we should not allow personality difference to override God’s order and power over us.
Be considerate of your spouse’s needs irrespective of your personality difference.
We are impacted by parental influence, childhood training, peer group, education, environment, and a host of other factors. But nothing is more visible than our personality traits.
In spite of all the factors, however, the ultimate solution to problems in marriage is to lean on God’s unfailing grace. Allow God to guide you in your marriage and you will find fulfilment.
Shalom.
