Spousal killings rise, in growing threat to the family

Spousal killing is on the rise in Nigeria. It was perhaps under-reported in the past because of cultural hindrances and inaccessible media. Now, social media is only a click away, and traditional media joins in providing wider coverage.
Even in Lagos, with its highest concentration of educated Nigerians and churches, all is not glam and cozy; despite the money, the opportunities, and the freedom.
Residents of the most populous and most cosmopolitan state wake up almost on a regular basis these days to hear stories of spousal violence.
Reporter HENRY ODUAH exposes one ugly side of broken melodies.

Funmi and Martins (not their real names) were high school sweethearts. Their vegetable love grew so magnificently even into their university days that nobody doubted they would carry their love like an egg into adulthood.
Their marriage was like one made exclusively in heaven. Their young family became a model for intending couples and even married ones.
The lovebirds enjoyed a blissful first year in marriage. But the rocks hit their boat not long after they had their first child. The hormones on fire at the outset began to take shelter. Excitement waned.
Martins realised his “wifetime” was now shared between him and their child.

Marriage opens the blind eyes of love

Frustration set in and their flaws became visible, then they remembered the old saying that “love is blind but marriage will open it.”
Soon, the second child came. Hopes were raised that things would get better. Extended family encouraged the couple and reminded them their “for better and for worse” vow.
But things got worse.
Martins made alcohol his personal assistant. And he began to find respite in his secretary at the office. They hung out, spent more time together, and before long, she was carrying his child.
One Saturday morning, the secretary stopped by at Martins’ residence and broke the news to his wife after she failed to get him to take responsibility for the pregnancy.
Funmi, filled with shock, hate, and disgust for Martins, reached for a knife and stabbed her sleeping husband. The cut went deep into his chest. He lost much blood and died.
Her marriage, which appeared like it was going to be “happily ever after”, ended in irreversible tragedy before her very eyes. Now she is facing trial for homicide.
This narrative is gaining trend among many couples countrywide.
News break day after day of deaths caused by marriage disasters. Husbands killing wives. Wives killing husbands. Some own up to the act. Others blame the devil or any other force other than themselves.
Rift between newlyweds trying to adjust to the reality of each other in holy matrimony may be understandable.
But disasters more common in the news are about couples who have been together for many years. Whereas longevity should be the foundation for understanding each other better.
Spousal violence and killings are carried out by both men and women, although – as in most crimes – men commit more.

Teenager sets husband on fire

The Leadership reported on May 19, 2016 that Asiya Lawal, 18, allegedly killed her husband, Iliya Sani, in Funtua, Katsina State.
Police said the new bride had a misunderstanding with her husband, locked him in a room and set the house ablaze.
Iliya was first taken to the Funtua General Hospital where he was referred to Ahmadu Bello University Teaching Hospital (ABUTH), Zaria.
Police prosecutor, Kabir Mohammed, told a Magistrate’s Court that the man died at ABUTH as a result of fire burns in his body.

Killed for having a fling

On May 5, Lekan Shonde allegedly slew his wife, Ronke, in cold blood during a fight. They lived in the Egbeda area of Lagos and had been married for eight years.
After failed attempts to flee to neighbouring Benin Republic and then to Ghana, Shonde finally landed in the net of the law. He claimed that he and his wife had argued over her infidelity the night of the incident but denied killing her.
“The cause of the quarrel was infidelity. I over-heard her discussing on the phone with one Kayode, who was her boss and lover.
“I never killed my wife. We had a normal quarrel after she owned up that she had a man friend. We didn’t talk overnight. She held my legs begging as I was leaving the house that morning. And I pushed her away.
“As I left the house my son bolted the door behind me. Later, our nanny called to alert me of what had happened. I immediately called my landlady’s daughter, who confirmed that my wife was dead.
“As I was rushing back home, neighbours called to inform me that policemen were there and that I should run away. That was why I ran away,” Shonde told journalists when police paraded him at Oduduwa police station, Ikeja.

Breadwinner wife murdered

Also in May, Jafaru Sougie, 49, who lives in the Oshodi area of Lagos, slit the throat of the wife he had been married to for 26 years.
His wife, Roseline, was a trader, mother of five, and the breadwinner as he was without a job.
Just like Shonde, Jafaru accused his wife of infidelity and was frequently heard beating her up, which made landlords to eject them from previous apartments.
Roseline’s elder sister, Kate Yakubu, said she (Roseline) was bent on a divorce two years ago but was persuaded to stay in the marriage because of her children.
Their son, Richmond, 16, recounted: “My three siblings, our aunt, and I slept in the living room while dad and mum were inside. Around 4am, dad called me from the bathroom. I went to meet him but he did not say anything.
“I went outside to urinate and when I came back, I checked the bathroom and saw him lying down, vomiting some black substance and excreting on his body. I think he poisoned himself.
“I told my aunt to wake mum up to attend to him. But she didn’t wake up. I shone a flashlight on her and saw blood on the bed with a wide cut on her neck. I fainted when we discovered she was dead.
“When we asked dad how it happened, he said somebody entered and did it; whereas the compound gate is always locked in the night.
“It was mum that took care of us. She was the one sponsoring my elder brother, Collins, who just gained admission to a university in Abia State. I don’t know our fate now.”
Days later, Jafaru died in police custody as a result of the poisonous substance he drank at home.

Stabbed to death over love child

In February in Oyo State, it was a wife attacking her husband in the case of a lawyer with the Ministry of Justice, Yewande Oyediran, where she is a state counsel.
She also allegedly used a sharp object (a knife) to kill her husband, Oyelowo.
The couple had an argument the night of the incident over Oyelowo’s proposed foreign business trip which would include a visit to his son (from another woman) in Europe.
Displeased with the plan, Yewande allegedly stabbed him on the left shoulder narrowly missing his heart. He was taken to the hospital by a neighbour.
With hope that tension had ended, Oyelowo returned home. The 38-year-old was later heard in pain by neighbours after Yewande allegedly stabbed him again, this time in the neck. He was dead on arrival at the hospital.
Yewande pleaded not guilty at the Oyo State High Court, Ibadan. Justice Munta Abimbola will deliver judgment in July.

Man, 70, kills wife over adultery

TheNiche reported on June 21, 2015 that Ita Daniel, aged 70, was paraded by the police in Akwa Ibom State for killing his wife with a machete in their one-room apartment.
Daniel, from Mbi Okporo village in Nsit-Ibium Council, admitted that he killed Alice, 60, over adultery.
Assistant Commissioner of Police (ACP) in-charge of state Criminal Investigation Department (CID), Mike Okoli, said Daniel confessed to the crime.
In a separate interview, Daniel told TheNiche that his wife left him several times but was coming back to the house with other men.
“We were no longer together but she was still bringing men to my house. When I complained she would beat me up. There was a day we had a disagreement and fight ensued and my legs were injured.
“That fateful day I was sleeping in the room when she came and said she would either kill me or I killed her. That was how it happened,” he narrated.

Man bathes fiancee with acid

In July 2014, detectives at the Federal Special Anti-Robbery Squad (FEDSARS) in Adeniyi Adele, Lagos held in custody Monday Osakwe for pouring acid on his fiancee and carrying out armed robberies.
Osakwe, 34, was charged to court for “attack and inflicting body harm on another person.”
Veronica Mbakwe was attacked with acid on June 22 and taken to hospital.
Police confirmed that she and Osakwe “have been living in the same apartment as lovers for over five years. Neighbours said they were planning their formal marriage ceremony in December [2014].”

Early warning signs

Warning signs are usually visible before a crisis. Relationship counsellors say the moment a man becomes unnecessarily agitated by the slightest provocation, he could be harmful soonest.
Spousal killings do not occur in isolation. Experts say women usually identify signs of an abusive relationship before something fatal occurs but lack the will to opt out of it.
The signs include insistence on being the bread winner, abnormal jealousy over spouse’s success, accusation of infidelity, isolation of spouse from family and friends, excessive monitoring, harsh treatment of people other than spouse, forced sex, and threats to divulge secrets.
Some husbands refuse to give their wives money to cook, just to teach them a lesson. Yet, some return home expecting to find food on the table.
Reasons vary why women put up with husbands who maltreat and beat them up.

Pressure to stay

When it becomes evident to the maltreated wife that her husband would most likely not change, she faces pressure from family and friends to stay in the marriage because it is “for better and for worse”.
Women dread the shame of abandoning their marriage and would rather endure the hard man than become the object of ridicule in the society.
“Domestic violence is so entrenched in our society that even the victims condone such violations of their rights, as some perceive it as sign of love and the socio-religious belief that a broken marriage or relationship is a mark of failure,” wrote Temilade Aruya, who works in the Features Unit of Lagos State Ministry of Information and Strategy.
These wives prefer to keep playing the punching bag with hopes that their husbands would one day change and love them.

Fear of starting afresh

Usually in cases where the husband is the bread winner of the family, maltreated wives are afraid of leaving the “comfort” to fend for themselves and their children under another roof.
They dread the hard realities of taking responsibility for what their children would eat, drink, and wear in a harsh economy as this; as well as looking for another shelter and paying rent without assistance.
“Due to poverty and economic dependence on men, many female victims may also be forced to suffer in silence for fear of losing the economic support of the male perpetrator,” Aruya said.

50% of women battered by husband

According to a study, the percentage of women who have reported being physically abused by an intimate partner varies from 10 per cent to 60 per cent depending on the country.
In Nigeria, over 50 per cent of women have been battered by their husbands, 65 per cent of whom are educated.
In another recent report, 48 per cent of Nigerian women have experienced some form of physical violence.

Weighing the opinions

A businessman in Gombe, Sunday Omojuni, attributed spousal violence to upbringing, low self-esteem, mental instability, and alcohol influence.
“A young boy who sees his parents fighting and quarreling all the time would likely behave like them when he has his own wife.
“It could also be a health situation, especially for one who is not mentally stable. At the slightest provocation, he tends to be violent. It could be as a result of brain disorder,” Omojuni said.
Joseph Oni, a pastor in the Redeemed Christian Church of God (RCCG), argued that an abused wife is only permitted to leave her husband’s house temporarily, not by divorce, until the issue is resolved.
“There is no condition that would make the church support divorce except on grounds of infidelity. It is not easy for them to stay alone. That’s why there’s room for forgiveness,” he explained.

Reasons for husband’s violence against wife

Clinical psychologist, Patricia Chiegboka, explained why husbands usually accuse their wives of infidelity.
“If a woman is very industrious, a man can because of her financial prowess marry her when obviously there is no love. As time goes on, you see a lot of incompatibilities in them,” she said.
“Then if the wife stops supplying the husband money as he demands, there will be misunderstanding, battering, and verbal war.
“Then if the husband is not getting what he wants from her, he will start insinuating, because there was no trust initially, that the lady may be having extra-marital affairs.
“This would make him search her phone to know who called or stand at a corner to listen to her conversation.
“Many times when men beat their wives, they do not intend to kill but inflict pain. But depending on the woman’s reaction, the man could get more furious and that will make him to beat her to ease off his anger.”
Chiegboka insisted that any man who beats up his wife has a mental issue which he may not be aware of.
“Any man who batters his wife has mental challenges because it is often done out of extreme anger, and uncontrollable anger is a mental condition.
“When such is seen in any relationship the best thing for the woman is to leave the relationship momentarily and find a way out of harnessing her marriage, putting things that are wrong right, before she gets back and to know whether that man desires her.
“Many women are not independent in relationship, they don’t feel they can stay on their own without hanging on a man. That makes them stay even when the man is beating them blue black.
“Some women also love such beatings because they feel that is what makes their husbands men.
“How you know such is when a woman is given a black eye and is asked to stay away for some time, but she would still want to go back for fear that another woman might come in.”

Reasons for wife’s violence against husband

A woman’s lack of maturity or lack of preparedness for marriage can also be a reason for the increase in spousal violence.
An immature mind would find the hurdles of marriage too difficult to climb.
A journalist who did not want his name in print said the tendency to want to exert control over the man could make a woman batter her husband.
He listed excessive possession and restriction of his time, association with friends and family, unnecessary monitoring of his movement, depression as a result of living with an “annoying” man as signs of a wife with violent tendencies.
Usually in cases where wives become too protective of their husbands, they are scared of losing them to other women, especially if he is well to do.
If the husband does not yield, the wife bursts into an argument, the source explained, and because of her familiarity with kitchen utensils, sharp objects like knives come in handy – and the worst happens.
Nneka Igwe, a women’s leader in the Catholic Church in Oke-Afa, Ejigbo, Lagos, said disrespect and maltreatment by a husband and his relatives could drive a wife to slay her husband.

Solutions

A Pastor, Raphael Amukwe, advised that marriage should be contracted not with the world view but on Jesus Christ as foundation to avoid fatal collapse.
Chiegboka advised wives to avoid talking to the extent of annoying their husbands. She recommends that husbands walk away from the heat.
“Any man who has a wife that always annoys him should find a way of going for anger management. Men are asked to leave the environment if there is any issue of anger prevailing, then return when the anger has subsided.
“The woman who talks to the extent of annoying her husband is told to put water in her mouth when the war is going on.”