An apology in your marriage is more than saying “I’m sorry”; it is an attempt to admit you made a mistake, hurt someone’s feelings, did something really stupid, made a bad decision, etc. Is it difficult for your spouse to apologise and tell you that he (or she) is sorry? Or is it hard for you to offer an apology?
Research has shown that it is often easier to offer an apology to a total stranger or a casual acquaintance than it is to a spouse, as we tend to believe this gives the spouse being apologised to the upper hand.
Some spouses view apologising as a sign of weakness that brings about a loss of power and status. A spouse with this perspective may equate apologising with admitting inadequacy and incompetence, and thus, be reluctant to apologise for mistakes, failures, or misjudgements. To others, it’s humiliating to have to apologise. They may have been ridiculed and criticised harshly by their parents when they made mistakes growing up, and as a result, they try to avoid admitting to mistakes and the unpleasant feeling that it brings.
Contrary to some ethnical or traditional beliefs, apologising is not a sign of weakness. A union between two people is bound to be filled with incidences whereby an apology will be necessary. Sometimes, there may even be many incidences within a day! What you are doing is to accept responsibility for your actions which goes a long way into ensuring that it doesn’t happen again. When things happen between two spouses, an oversight or mistake can take on more personal tones and meaning. A spouse may harbour strong feelings that whatever occurred was deliberate and/or intentional.
Why should you apologise?
To end the hurt and pain you have caused your spouse. When you love someone, you do not want to see the person unhappy.
You want to do what you can to insure that your marriage is on solid ground.
When should you apologise?
When you are genuinely sorry for what you have done or the pain you are causing your spouse. An apology that is not genuine and sincere is not an apology.
When you should not apologise
When you do not accept responsibility for your actions.
When you just want to get out of the fix you are in.
When you want to present a caring and repentant image to others.
When you are focusing on just your own needs.
An apology between a husband and wife should be:
Private – Between the couple. When family members and friends are involved in the apology process, it may heighten the apologising spouse’s shame or embarrassment.
Accept Responsibility – Use “I” in your apology and don’t try to put any responsibility for your behaviour on your spouse.
On target. Start by saying you are sorry for what happened and pledge to make amends or changes. Ask for forgiveness, express your shame, regret, sadness, guilt, etc and emphasise your determination to not make the same mistake again. State what you are willing to do to make things right again. Whatever you decide to do to make restitution, make sure it is meaningful and something that you will do. Don’t make promises you won’t or can’t keep.
Finally, don’t push your spouse for an immediate response. Your spouse may need time to respond.
Do not:
Operate in denial – admit responsibility and apologise. Don’t try and pretend it didn’t happen. Some individuals, by not admitting fault, pretend they haven’t done anything “wrong”. It’s almost as though they are afraid of owning any inappropriate behaviours because then they also might have to take responsibility for other actions. So it’s just easier to avoid and deny than to admit responsibility and apologise.
Laugh – It’s not the time to laugh or crack jokes. Your apology should come with all the seriousness it deserves to make it genuine.
Write a letter of apology – except you are there when it’s being read by your spouse.
Justify or rationalise the error.
Forget to forgive yourself, too
For some individuals, it is easy to say “I’m sorry” while others can’t ever seem to choke the words out. When a spouse is reluctant to apologise, the partner inevitably ends up carrying emotional baggage from the resulting hurt, feelings, resentment and anger.
Also, sometimes when intense feelings are triggered and the emotional climate becomes either icy or raging, the offending spouse may retreat, not knowing what else to do. Or he (or she) may be afraid of doing the wrong thing and making the situation worse.
Other times, it may not be just about you. Your spouse may be unable to apologise to you because of a lack in relationship skills and not necessarily because he/she doesn’t love you. While in some cases, it can indicate a callousness and indifference to the partner’s feelings, in other cases, it can indicate a lack of relationship skills or unresolved individual issues.
Is it hard for your spouse to apologise? Do the following…
Admit some responsibility for what has happened. As no one is infallible, we all have a role to play in our relationship interactions and acknowledging your part makes it less threatening for the spouse that is reluctant to apologise. You may say “I’m so sorry for my part in the misunderstanding”.
Your spouse may refuse to make an apology for behaviour that has deeply hurt you and you may need to ask her (or him) if she/he at least regrets what happened. Some spouses will find it easier to say, “I really regret what happened last night” than “I’m really sorry for my behaviour last night”.
Apologise readily and model healthy behaviour for your spouse. Be the kind of partner you wish you had. Be open about your feelings when it’s hard to apologise. You may say, “I don’t know why it’s so hard to apologise sometimes – but it is. This isn’t easy for me to say because I’d rather blame you than look at myself, but I am truly sorry for the things I said last night.”
Write your spouse a handwritten letter (pen and paper –no emails) sharing your feelings and say that in order to move on, you really need some sort of acknowledgement of your feelings and the hurt you have experienced. State that it’s important for you to know your partner cares about your feelings enough to apologise or admit regret for what happened.
Just in case you have tried all of the above and you still find it difficult to connect with your spouse, you may need to attend some marriage counselling sessions to improve/boost communication and intimacy between the two of you. You may then bring the issue up in the counsellor’s office where your chances of being heard and opening the door for positive change are greatly increased.
Remember, you can’t control what your spouse decides to do or not to do; so focus on what you do have control over – your own reactions and behaviour.
