Dear Tinu,
I wonder if anything can be done to help my situation. I am a 35-year-old man who got married about eight years ago to a very beautiful woman. I can say that married life has not been too bad, except for this insane desire my wife has to have five children – to match her mother in child-bearing.
Shortly after we got married and my wife got pregnant with our first child, I informed her that my ideal number of children was two, but can still be stretched to three at most. She bluntly told me that she must match her mother in child-bearing. In almost eight years, we have had three children and she is pregnant again! All attempts to make her stop have not worked. I even reported her to her mother and sister whose response was that she should be left alone to do whatever she wants.
Currently, I am struggling to pay the school fees of my children, and with a fourth one now on the way, I don’t know how I will cope. My greatest fear, however, is that she will still go on a fifth one, which will further compound my problems. I have begged and begged, and she has refused to listen. I love my wife and I love my children. What do I do?
Mr. Julius.
Dear Mr. Julius,
Tinu Agbabiaka
I believe you need to put issues in the right perspective. You fell in love with a woman who has refused to listen and/or submit to you. Evidently, she has always been like this. As from what you have told me, she doesn’t see anything wrong with what she is doing. You mentioned that you spoke to your wife’s mother and sister, who said you should leave her to do whatever she wants. It is clear that this is the type of background and upbringing she has – to do whatever she wants, irrespective of what her husband thinks.
This is not an ideal family situation, as I suspect this type of behaviour will also play out in different decision-making processes in your home. It is important that you have a conversation with your wife about how you feel on this constant child-bearing. State what your fears really are and let her know that it is important that you take decisions as a couple, as you are going to be involved in the children’s upbringing.
You also failed to mention if you ever spoke about birth control. This is a conversation every couple must have, if they want to reach an agreement in the number of kids to have. Every sexual experience must not end in pregnancy. There are birth control measures for men too. You may visit any health centre close to you and you will be better informed.
As you are already on number four, I suggest you decide on a birth control method to use, if you don’t really want number five. The alternative is for you to use protection yourself. She is your wife and you love her. You love her the way she is and if it works for you, then, keep loving her.
The danger in all of this is that you are both modelling a type of family behaviour and dynamics to your children, which is not healthy. Couples are to take decisions together. That is the proper and ideal way for a healthy family life. Remember, love is not selfish or self-serving.
