Dear Agatha,
I recently got married. And my husband is already complaining about my sexual performance. He says I don’t get wet. I don’t know what to do. Please help me as I’m disturbed.
Chinyere.
Dear Chinyere,
Sex is strategic to the survival of a marriage. Without quality sex, the man has every excuse to become unfaithful.
If your husband is complaining, then ask for his help with whatever limitations you have. If he is saying you are not getting wet enough for him to have easy access into your body, then he has every reason to complain because in the process of forcing himself in, both of you would get bruised. When a woman is not lubricated enough, it makes sex appear like rape for the couple. If you aren’t getting wet enough, it also means you aren’t enjoying sex as you should. It is as much his right and yours too to enjoy this divine gift package to couples.
So the business of getting you wet must also be important to you because it is your right as a married woman to benefit from the experience.
This is why it is important for a woman to be wet before welcoming her husband into her body.
Naturally, the woman’s body is designed to produce her lubrications, if properly stimulated; but not every woman has it in her to produce the quality of fluid to accommodate her husband effortlessly.
So many factors conspire to make a woman unable to produce enough fluid to appease her husband. First, which is often the major challenge women in Africa have, is circumcision. A woman who has been circumcised will never be able to completely enjoy sex because the sensitive part of her woman-head has been chopped off. This kind of woman requires extra effort, understanding, patience and help from her man to prime.
If you have been circumcised, then you must explain your situation to your husband, so he knows what your circumstantial situation is. Although he should know by looking at your anatomy, not all men bother to study the bodies of their wives.
If your husband is the kind that isn’t interested in looking at every part of your body; just concerned about his mission, let him know. If you too don’t know, ask your mother if you were circumcised – that is, if you are too shy to explore and study your body.
This way, he will know what to do and how to help you perform better.
Again, not all men have the understanding and tolerance to make it work well for the woman whose clitoris has been chopped off by the circumcisers.
He should be patience to help bring her close, with the aid of his hands and tongue, to her peak before going into her. There is no woman who cannot give pleasure if she has a willing, tolerant and adventurous man as partner.
This you have to explain to your husband. One thing is for him to expect exceptional performance from you; another is for him to assist you in getting satisfaction.
Fortunately, God wired our sexual pangs the way all basic human functions were structured by him – primeval. Nobody sits anybody down to teach sex; what we can only learn are the various techniques that can enhance our performances.
Encourage your husband and you to flow along with your natural instincts. Doing this will make it easier to add your own initiatives. By not depending on your husband alone to do all the work, you open the doors for both of you to explore your natural predispositions and find a common ground to navigate a special path to a foundation that binds every couple.
Sometimes too, it has to do with the kind of background one was given as a child. If your parents taught you that sex is dirty and should not be enjoyed; there is no way it will not affect your attitude. If this is the kind of background you had, you must perish such inhibitions because you are now married and able to enjoy sex to the fullest. The man in question is your husband; so you are not breaking any rule by throwing caution to the wind. The naked truth: if don’t grow out of whatever prudish lessons you were given as a child on sex, you will never see sex as a tool of adventure in marriage. Beyond its procreation purpose, it is also for recreation.
Once your husband gets tired of complaining, he might want to try something different outside the home. And if his exploration gives him satisfaction, you will be the one to suffer. This is why you must never give another woman the chance to beat you to anything that has to do with your home and husband.
Even if you don’t like sex because of what they told you about it, you should make the effort to enjoy it for the sake of your husband and marriage.
Because of this, make the effort to give your body a good study to make it easy for you to discover where your erogenous zones are. Once you know, you will know where to place the hands of your husband to make the moment suitable for both of you.
No two women are the same. While some have their erogenous zones wired to their nipples, others have it in other places of their bodies.
Without you knowing where yours are, how can you help your husband make you happy? Like the whole relationship and marriage thing, sex is a symbiotic thing; one that requires the man and woman to bring together their knowledge and efforts to make it whole.
You cannot leave all the work to your husband, just as he cannot leave all the responsibility for his enjoyment to you.
That you are not getting wet means he is also not doing his part very well. Both of you just have to sit and dialogue about it. This isn’t time for you to be afraid of talking; to sit back and accept all the responsibility will make it difficult for both of you to really bond and find the way forward together. He has to help you come to your full self as a woman. You also have to find a way of making him come into his full enjoyment as a man.
Another thing is for you to relax. There is never any need for you to be anxious when it comes to intimacy with your man. When a woman is relaxed and has her mind on the business at hand, there is no height she and her husband cannot achieve.
Also reading well-structured books on sex can also be of great help. Such books are inspired to help couples become happier in the bedroom.
In addition, the position the couple adopt when making love can either help increase the urge, keep it down or completely destroy the mood. Urging your husband to experiment with different positions will increase your excitement.
One mistake a lot of women make is pretending they are happy with whatever posture or attitude of their husbands in bed. In your case, it could be a minor matter of him adopting a different approach that will fire your desire. Sex is not just about the couple sleeping together and parting; it takes more than the act to make it work well for both parties.
It is for you not to be limited by your fears; this is the point you begin to define your marriage and your needs too in the marriage; one, you must make your husband realise that you both have roles to play in the sustenance of this union.
Don’t be afraid to flaunt your sexuality to your husband because if you don’t do it, one of the many unscrupulous women outside shall. That will signal the beginning of problems in your home.
By subtly learning from and teaching your husband the thrills of sex, you would be stabilising your home and giving yourself the peace of mind to build your marriage.
For now, until you are able to get it right, you could use petroleum jelly, lovemaking lubricants or gels designed to help the body of the woman stay moist for her husband.
But remember, it isn’t something you can use often because the fun of being together is the surprise factor. Sex should be able to happen anywhere if the couple is gamed, which is why you must work at finding your footing.
Good luck.
