Dear Tinu,
I enjoy reading your column and I need your advice urgently.
I am a single lady in her mid-40s. I really can’t explain or understand why I am not married yet, because I do not consider myself ugly or bad-looking by any standard. I have had a lot of disappointments in the past and I’ve decided to just take life easy and enjoy it as it goes.
Naturally, I have a lot of friends who are married and, for reasons I cannot fathom, they seem not to understand that I am not desperate at all to get married. If it happens, fine; if it doesn’t, life goes on.
Most of them have tried to match-make me with either their husband’s friend or siblings, but it hasn’t worked and I am beginning to get pissed off about their actions.
Attending weddings is almost now a chore for me, as once I run into a friend or an aunt, the next thing is for them to begin to pray and make loud statements like “it’s your turn next” or “we are coming to yours next”.
I find all these very embarrassing. The one that almost drove me off the hedge now is that my friend’s husband has made a pass at me. Initially, I pretended as if I didn’t understand all his moves (I couldn’t believe he had the guts), but he eventually came out to ask if he could take me out for dinner!
Of course, I cursed him before cutting off the phone. He must think I’m desperate. Is it a crime not to be married? What should I do? Should I tell his wife, who is my friend? Please advise me.
Miss V.
Dear Miss V.,
I feel and understand how you feel. I also understand how your friends feel too. There is the belief in our culture that once a child reaches a certain age, he or she must get married and begin to have babies. I believe in the traditional proverb that says “someone gave birth to you; so you must give birth to someone too”.
While the above may very well be desirable, there are various factors that may not make it possible. You have not said you hate marriage. You have not just met the right person.
Marriage is seen as a blessing and a thing of joy; so those who wish that you get married feel they are wishing you well. You may have to ride with that fact, and don’t let it upset you.
You may also learn to “dodge” those friends and aunties who do not give you breathing space on the matter, so as not to get offended.
Meanwhile, it is not a crime not to be married. There is no crime like that on the face of the earth.
Your friend’s husband obviously does not respect his nuptial vows. You have shown him you are not desperate. Please do not tell your friend! It will not serve any good purpose. She will probably not believe your version anyway (she will believe her husband’s).
Stay away from your friend and her husband. The relationship had been ruined anyway by her husband’s actions. You may not cut off abruptly, but ensure you stay far away from them. You do not need that type of friendship.
I wish you all the best in life and, remember, don’t ever feel inadequate about your single status. There is nothing wrong with you. Feel free to marry for only the right reasons.
