Dear Tinu,
How are you doing? I always read your column and wonder if you can help me.
I am a young lady in my late 30s and I have not had very good experience with men. They always ‘use and dump’ me. To be honest, I had given up all hope of ever getting married when, three months ago, I met Tony – a wonderful good-looking guy who just came back into the country to settle down.
Tony is in his early 40s and has a daughter from a previous relationship with an American. Believe me, Tony is a complete gentleman and treated me with respect right from the first time we were introduced. He made it clear that he didn’t want a girlfriend; he wanted a wife. To my estimation, he is any woman’s dream guy.
As I wondered what could have happened in his previous relationship, our mutual friend who introduced us let me know that his previous relationship ended due to infidelity; that his former wife cheated on him with his best friend! Although she begged for forgiveness, he could no longer stay in the relationship.
The major problem now is that I just met Tony’s younger brother who he is always talks about and he turns out to be a guy I had a fling with many years back. I never connected them because they use his English name at home while everyone else knows him with his local name.
I don’t know what to do. Should I tell Tony or keep quiet? I am really confused. I don’t want to lose this one. Please help!
Ms J.
Dear Ms J,
Thank you for your mail, and for always reading this column. Let me start by letting you know that you should never allow a man to use you. You cannot stop anyone from dumping you, but you can stop people from using you. Examine yourself to see what they use in you and refuse to give it out from henceforth. This will give you the dignity and self-respect you need and deserve.
Second, it’s unfortunate that you have had a fling with the brother of the good guy you now have. A relationship based on lies will not thrive, so I will suggest you quietly end this one and pray God brings you another good one you won’t know any of his relatives intimately.
Truth is, even if you tell him, he may not forgive you, especially because he has experienced a betrayal from people close to him that he couldn’t handle. This relationship is supposed to be forever. I am not sure he will be able to handle seeing you and his brother together without remembering that you have had a fling.
For your self-esteem, respect and peace, please quietly end this one and ask God to forgive you all your past deeds and bring you someone new. Good luck with this and keep me posted.
