Dear Tinu,
I am a widower and single father of one. My wife passed on during child birth six months ago, and I am yet to get over this great loss. However, my wife’s family has been very supportive. My mother-in-law has been so supportive that she moved into the house with a young lady who is my wife’s first cousin.
I need you to tell me if I am going crazy. I am beginning to like my wife’s cousin a lot. It seems as if I can’t get her out of my mind. She reminds me so much of my late wife because they look so much alike, that it is difficult to believe that they are only cousins.
It’s obvious that she really loves my daughter, as I see the great love and she showers on the baby. Whenever I think of her, she becomes more and more appealing. I think I am falling in love with her. The problem is that I don’t know if she has the same feelings towards me. Besides, I don’t know if there is a family tradition against this. Most importantly, I am afraid of how my in-laws will take this, if I let my feelings known to them. I really don’t know what to do. Please help.
Mr. E.
Dear Mr. E,
Let me start by commiserating with you on the loss of your wife. May the good Lord soothe your heart.
You asked if you are going crazy. No, you are not. You just need to take a deep breath and appraise your situation differently. While grieving is a difficult state, which is handled differently according to individual ways of grieving, there is a standard recommended process. Six months is a bit too soon to start thinking of any romantic relationship, moreso that the main attraction to your late wife’s cousin is that she reminds you of your late wife – not for any of her personal attributes. You have to understand that no two people are alike. They may look or appear alike (as in the case of twins), but they will have different characters and behaviour.
While your wife’s cousin may appeal to you now because she reminds you of your wife, you will probably discover (hopefully, not too late) that character-wise, they are like night and day.
Please ensure you do not rush into any relationship now. It’s important that you do your best to get a good woman for yourself and the baby. I believe, in any tradition or culture, the timing is also inappropriate. It’s too short. It’s barely six months since your wife passed on and the general feeling is that if you loved her at all, you shouldn’t be too eager to replace her. I will suggest you wait for another six months, and if you still feel the same about your late wife’s cousin, try and find out how she feels about you before you approach any of her family members you feel close to (preferably a man) who will be able to advise you on how to make your intentions known to the family.
I wish you all the best in life.
