Dear Tinu,
I always enjoy reading your column. I am wondering if you can help me on this matter, as I need to take a decision as soon as possible and don’t want to make a mistake.
I had a very privileged upbringing, as my parents are rich and made sure that we, the children, lacked virtually nothing. Most of the things people regard as luxury we take for granted. I never visited the market – we had a cook and steward whose jobs were to cook and present the meal on time. I never washed clothes – there was the laundry man who took the clothes away and brought them back clean, ironed and ready to wear. Summer holidays were normal – who stays at home? Public transport was also unheard of. To cut a long story short, I was very sheltered and naive.
Fast forward many years later, I fell in love with my husband who had a completely different background. He grew up in the streets. According to him, there were days that he didn’t even know where the next meal would come from.
My parents kicked against the idea of me marrying him, but I can say love prevailed and they gave their consent. I have since tried to brush my husband up to meet the standard expected of a husband of mine and I will admit that he is willing to learn. He has indulged me in so many things. I still do not cook (I don’t know how to); so he got a cook and also someone to do the laundry.
The major problem now is that I am pregnant with our first baby and will be going to the United States to have the baby. But my husband has put his foot down that I should have the baby here because he cannot afford it. I told him my father is more than willing to pay, but he says no. I think he is unreasonable and I will go, whether he likes it or not. What do you advise?
Mrs. J.
Dear Mrs. J,
Your husband is not unreasonable at all. As you have written, he is from a completely different background from yours and sees travelling abroad to have a baby as a big deal and an unnecessary expense (moreso that he cannot afford it).
My advice is that if you wish to remain married, you begin to live within the life that you have now. You admitted that you fell in love with your hubby despite his humble background and insisted on marrying him and no one else. It’s that love that will carry you through. Your husband is the head of your home, and saying or even suggesting that your father will pay for your trip is an insult that no man wants to receive from his wife.
I suggest that you correct this error that you have made by taking time out to apologise to your hubby for even suggesting it at all. He is obviously not averse to a good and better life for himself and I am sure, by extension, his children. However, manner of presentation matters. Maybe if you had discussed your desire from the beginning and prepared his mind on opportunities for children born in particular countries, he won’t be so much against your desires.
As a woman, you have to learn how to manage your home and ask God for wisdom to relate to your husband. Whichever way this works out, always remember that it is having a healthy baby that matters.
