Dear Tinu,
I am a single mother of three. I have not been too lucky in love. The father of my first two children never treated me the way I wanted and I mistakenly got pregnant for him. Although we didn’t plan the pregnancy at the time, he accepted responsibility and we got married quietly. However, it was obvious that he wasn’t too keen on the marriage as he never behaved like a responsible father or husband. All attempts to make him live up to his responsibility failed as he would constantly remind me that he was unprepared for the marriage institution and was practically forced into it.
Shortly after I had my first child, I found myself pregnant again when she was three months old. I was really distraught but didn’t want to have an abortion, so I gave birth to the second child. By the time of the birth of my second child, it was obvious to all, especially my husband and I, that there was no marriage. We were just living together and constantly fighting. Eventually, he moved out and we got a divorce quietly. Neither of us contested the divorce. I guess he was relieved to be let off the hook and so was I.
Four years later, I met this married man who said he just liked me and that we should be friends. He would make time for me and my children and slowly I began to fall in love with him and wish he were mine. About six months after I became close to this man, I discovered I was pregnant again. He was upset! He changed totally towards me. He even denied paternity as, according to him, he wasn’t sure how many other people I had slept with. He told me that we had no “pregnancy agreement” and felt since I was a single mother of two, I was a “big girl” who knew how to take care of herself. That’s how I ended up with three children with no father in their lives. Tell me, is there something wrong with me or am I cursed? I need to know as I am almost going crazy.
Yinka.
Dear Yinka,
Let me start by letting you know that I don’t think or believe you are cursed. There are choices in life that we make and they have ripple effects. You did not say how old you were, but you need to understand that the consequence of having unprotected sex is either unplanned pregnancy or sexually-transmitted diseases (STD). The unfortunate part also is that when your partner is not in agreement to making babies, you end up being the only responsible parent for the child.
Second, having a relationship with a married man is not the right thing to do, both morally and spiritually. If you have “found” yourself pregnant thrice, then there is something really wrong somewhere. We are all responsible for our actions and inactions, and I will suggest that rather than dwell on your past, you have a chance to do better in the future. You must not “find yourself” pregnant a fourth time.
Please ensure, for the sake of your children, that you put yourself in the right frame of mind to take care of them. They did not ask to be brought into the world; hence they deserve a chance to live well. I hope you have learnt a few lessons from your experience in life and will work towards showing love to your children (I suspect a loveless upbringing may have contributed to your decisions in life).
Remember, you can’t change the past, but you can influence the future. I wish you all the best.
