Dear Agatha
I am finding it hard to love again as a result of my past experiences with my ex.
However, last year, I dated for six months a man who lives outside the country. Initially, his attitude was very pleasant but he changed along the line.
He started by accusing me of feeling too big. Not only did I find this accusation baseless but hilarious, for the simple reason that we hadn’t even met. How can someone who hasn’t seen me accuse me of being arrogant?
Eventually, the relationship suffered instability following the series of dreams I had of seeing him with another woman. His entire attitude changed and I had to stop calling or sending him text messages.
As my dream foretold, I discovered he was dating a Nigerian girl in the United States of America and wanted to marry her. That was when I understood the reason for the change in his behavioum r. Another girl was involved in his life.
But somehow things didn’t work out as planned for them because he came to Nigeria in December last year.
Before then, another guy whom I have been friends with for eight years had proposed to me. He did on January 1. I told him we should wait to hear from God because marriage isn’t something one rushes into.
The issue now is, do I tell him about this guy in my life? I mean the one in America.
Already, the one in America is back in my life but the truth is that I have to choose between the two of them because I have never double dated in my life. I don’t intend to start now either.
Recently, I chanced on a love text message sent by another girl to the second guy. When I confronted him, he said the girl was his ex. I didn’t argue but handed the issue to God.
Just as this was going on, I heard the one in America came back to pay the bride price for another woman.
When I phoned him to know if the story is true, he said it wasn’t something to be discussed on phone and that we have to see to be able to trash it out. All I wanted was a simple yes or no answer but he insisted he wouldn’t talk until we see.
I have also told him that I won’t see him unless he tells me what the situation is.
Agatha, these guys are both from the same state. I am convinced that the second guy is really serious about marrying me but I don’t want it to appear as if I am marrying him out of compassion. He loves me but the issue remains, are we really meant to be?
I know there is nobody without faults but in this case, I don’t know what to do. Please advise me.
Worried lady
Dear worried lady
Why would the second guy think you are marrying him out of compassion? I find nothing in your mail to give rise to this line of thinking at all. Unless there is more to this than what you have said, if you think he is the one that would make you happier, please go ahead.
But frankly, the issue here isn’t with the guy but with you. From all indices you are the one who hasn’t made up your mind on what you want from life.
The fact that you are ripe for a relationship and in one doesn’t necessarily mean you are emotionally ready to be in any relationship.
The first question you should ask yourself is if you are truly ready to share your space and heart with another man? It is only when you are really convinced you are that you can answer the question of whether you are really meant to be.
To get it right, go to your past and re-examine the disappointments you suffered. If you want a happier life and a workable relationship, it is important you are honest with yourself on this.
Think, can you in all honesty claim to be blame free in all these disappointments? Were they all from the men you dated or from your own inability to interpret your emotions as well as key into your responsibilities in these relationships?
Every relationship has its rule. This comes from our own individualism. You must be able to read with some perfect accuracy the person of your partner to know how to key into making the person happy.
The mistake most people make is to assume that because something worked in a previous relationship, it would work in another.
How much effort were you able to put in getting the best out of your previous relationships? One thing is to entrust God with one’s life, another thing is to allow oneself to be led by God into doing the right things.
Often than not the measure of our disappointments comes from our inability to interpret the amount of sacrifice we are expected to invest in making a particular relationship work.
The most difficult relationships end up becoming the happiest in the end because of the willingness of one of the parties to invest patience, endurance and wisdom in it.
When you view your past disappointments from the angle of your own weaknesses, you will understand that behind every disappointment there is always room for improvement.
You can only be pleased with your own disappointments if you are willing to learn from every experience in life.
The chances are that your previous disappointments come from your own inability to read the plan of your life, which could have made you know the kind of man you need to help you grow spiritually and emotionally.
A woman’s support base is anchored on the kind of man in her life. If the wrong man finds his way into a woman’s life her chances of entering into her full bloom are very slim.
The same thing applies to a man; which is one reason every woman and man must be careful on the final choice of a life partner.
Therefore, you need to sit back to pray and think. What kind of man do you think can really give you the kind of happiness and fulfillment you desire in life?
From your mail, there is really nothing between you and the man based in the USA. Frankly, what you know of him isn’t anything to go by. Whatever kind of relationship you have had with him could be best described as a blind date.
If you find out that he hasn’t paid the bride price of any woman and are interested in having him in your life you have to begin anew with him. Both of you have to create the time to know yourselves, find out your nature as well as your strengths and weaknesses.
With what you both have on the ground now, there is nothing much to warrant you both discussing marriage. Give yourselves the opportunity to know each other beyond routine telephone conversations.
Whatever consideration you have for him, give attention to friendship. Every relationship needs a good measure of friendship to make it survive difficult times that are bound to come in every relationship.
Again, you have to appreciate who you are, and fall in love with yourself to enable you give of it too. You must have love in you to be able to give it.
From your response to the second guy, it seems you are not in love with him. To avoid future regrets, don’t go out of desperation into a relationship you know may not work for you at the end of the day.
If you are really serious about submitting to the will of God, do so whole-heartedly. Give it all up to God. He will show you what to do and whom He has for you.
If you are not comfortable with these two guys, don’t be afraid to pray them out of your life. It is the only way a fresh and promising man can come.
Good luck.
