By Ifedimma Onwugbufor
Sometimes, emotional abuse is an offshoot of a form of abuse or the other; it is mostly a chain of reaction that certainly begins with one party. This position does not, in any way, excuse any form of abuse at all. As has been noted, the perpetration of abuse has never been gender-specific; but certain abuse forms are mostly perpetrated by a particular gender, professional, or religious inclination most of the time. However, even abuses which are mostly perpetrated by persons of a specific gender, religious perception, or profession, can be perpetuated by anybody.
While emotional/mental/psychological abuse is mostly perpetrated by women in intimate relationships and other forms of relationships, there are men who also are neck-deep in that kind of abuse. It is commonplace for men to be associated with physical abuse due to their physical strength, but there are also reports of women who inflict physical abuse on their partners, friends, neighbours, domestic help, and other persons who they perceive as threats.
Nagging is a form of emotional abuse, mostly perpetrated by females. As mothers, lovers/wives, bosses/subordinates, commercial persons, medical personnel, teachers, caregivers/nannies, etc., emotional abuse leads to lack of self-esteem, depression and suicide, mental breakdown, and other health-related issues. It is against this backdrop that many women have been found confronting other women who they believe, are having romantic relationships with their male partners, sons; and mothers attack their sons’ wives when their positions are threatened etc. Men have the impression that most women nag, but at the same, some men believe that when a woman does not nag sometimes, then she has fallen out of love with him, or she simply does not care. It is for this reason that a conversation evolves – regarding how nagging demonstrates love or concern/goodwill.
Much as such assumptions sound believable, most people would rather be left alone, than be nagged at. At this point, there should be a balance; a compromise. Nagging should be very brief – not more than a one compound sentence. As comical as this sounds, a compound sentence refers to two simple sentences, and a phrase. (You may want to laugh at this thorough analogy) One is expected to employ dialogue at a time that is convenient, during which an issue is resolved between the parties concerned. While at this, the aggrieved party is expected to maintain decorum, choosing his or her words carefully, in order not to induce provocation.
With the right words, at the right time, in the right mood, and with the right attitude, an aggrieved partner will be promptly apologized to. This is what is acceptable. Nobody deserves to be emotionally abused. Calling of names and nagging for an extended period of time while using very offensive or/and unguarded utterances will validate the transgression and impress on the offending party, an attitude of arrogance, entitlement, or conceit (big-headedness). Such offending parties when affronted, may inflict emotional or physical abuse.
This is the basis on which men, who are known to inflict physical abuse on their female partners most of the time, may be physically abused by their female partners too sparingly. There are cases of women with ‘single bone’ (this representation is quite incredible), martial arts proficiency, policewomen and soldiers, or overly hot-tempered, who have smacked or pummeled male offenders. Some actually perpetrate this using hired vanquishers.
Abuse, under most circumstances (except proven otherwise) are totally inexcusable. It means that tact, empathy and dialogue should be employed at all times. No one should feel too conceited to sue for a peaceful resolution. When done outside the orbit of a prank, threats are a validated form of emotional abuse. Many times, persons in relationships threaten each other of ‘sleeping’ or dating other partners while still in the relationship. Many times, it is used as a ploy to hurt the feelings of the other. Such threats have found many ending up in hospitals with several degrees of burns/scald, cuts or shots; losing their jobs or relationships, or being jailed.
Emotional abuse of subordinates, colleagues, business associates, domestic staff, or children, and even, the aged can be quite as disastrous as between persons in amorous relationships/marriages. Unfortunately, what the black cultures perceive as tradition and good upbringing, and what the western culture sometimes advocates, constitute emotional abuse. For instance, expecting a six-year old to solve a mathematical equation; or something as simple as seven times eight. This huge calculative task stretches that child beyond its limitations; thereby, placing the child in a defeatist situation. Many times, ignorance regarding some areas of endeavor causes emotional abuse of innocent kids who are barely too young or naïve to do what is expected.
In the same vein, elderly persons tend to become childlike as they grow older. Having elderly relatives around can be quite tasking and emotionally-draining. Speaking slowly and responding thoughtfully to demands of such elderly dependents will only bring out the best in both the caregiver and the elderly. For the child and elderly dependent, everything sends a message of hope or of despair. Body language, facial expressions, and guttural noises; apart from harsh lingo may constitute emotional abuse to them. When these send messages which depict rejection/neglect, strong repugnance, distrust, disappointment, or despair, you have failed in your duty towards them.
Emotional abuse is usually played down in most African societies under the guise of traditional customs and western expectations, yet it has led to the death, hopelessness, anxiety, and suicide of many. Emotional abuse must not be conveyed by words. Attitudes and mannerisms which suggest abhorrence and despair, hatred and disillusionment are the different ways through which emotional abuse is inflicted on vulnerable parties.
Ifedimma Onwugbufor is a lecturer, social critic, and the author of seven books.
