By Ifedimma Onwugbufor
INTRODUCTION
The spate of abuses which constantly inundates international headlines calls for a reappraisal of the regards human beings have for societal norms, which ironically, most times, morph into ideologies that promote abuse. These norms include bridal price as signifying ownership of wives, birthing offspring as signifying ownership of the husbands; ‘hosting kids in her womb’ as automatic authority of parents, particularly mothers, over the will of their children; and also, age-long adages which are indirectly abusive connotatively.
It is not surprising therefore, that the narrative surrounding abuse in other climes, has found its way into the African society. Let us imagine that there is a benign forum where people can be free to speak their truth, how many can confidently claim they have never abused anyone or suffered abuse from someone in filial or marital relationships?
Abuse may happen in marriages, consanguineous settings, love relationships/dates, offices, commercial environments, educational platforms, social media, traditional/customary setups, religious locations, social associations, etc.
Ask someone what abuse means, and you will be shocked that most people are familiar with only one of the many aspects of what that word denotes. People who understand what abuse means are lawyers, solicitors, legislators (who have witnessed many sessions or chaired house committees that consist of a legal undertone), and maybe, social welfare workers. It is shocking to realize that many professors/lecturers, medical doctors, politicians, police officers, pastors, soldiers and paramilitary officers do not exactly know what abuse constitutes. This is why they throw abuse cases under the bus when they come across them, or themselves perpetrate abuse.
Abuse refers to inappropriate actions or inactions which endangers the wellbeing of the other. Abuse also refers to any conduct which tramples the human rights of others. It could be physical, sexual, mental and psychological, emotional or organic.
It is the ignorance of what constitutes abuse that plays out in most of the brutal actions which people take against each other every day. Abuse can be psychological, emotional, physical, or organic. However, every gender is susceptible to any of these. From very discreet experiences shared by people, there is no doubt that anybody can be a victim of abuse. Even where there is no physical impact, the emotional and psychological effects of attitudes, words, and actions immensely comprise what is termed as ‘abuse’.
It is against this backdrop that equal emphasis should be dedicated to addressing the abuse of men, as much as is given to abuse of women and children. A man who is constantly accused of sleeping around is abused – psychologically. The same goes for the woman wrongly accused. Until tangible evidences are handy, hounding people with baseless accusations is a form of abuse. Threats in love relationships or marriages, master-servant relationship, parent-child relationship, business partnerships, pastor-worshipper relationship, teacher-student relationship, social media mutual friendship, etc. are termed abusive – it is the truth. In subsequent articles, we’ll understand better.
Abuse against women has received lavish attention over the decades. It is no gainsaying that indeed, many women suffer abuse in their relationships and associations. The United Nations speculate a statistics which reveals that one in every three women are victims of sexual or physical violence in a lifetime. As this trend is discussed, more will be revealed about female abuse.
Men are abused by women in intimate relationships as the women seek a certain control over them. This can also be found in many mother-son relationships among adults in Nigeria where the extended family system is vile. Unfortunately, masculinity remains the reason why men caught in this situation suffer in silence.
In many love relationships and marriages, men are not allowed to have associations with females. Their female partners do not permit them to have friends who are females. The man is not free to communicate with a female colleague, business, craft or talent associate, or a childhood friend. They are blamed by their women when other women are attracted to them. Such helpless situations leave the men worn out, and this they take out by other means including being suicidal, distracted, and also, aggressive.
It is shocking to know that statistics reveal that South Africa ranks the highest in gender-based violence in the entire world; especially domestic and sex-related violence. The Guardian publication of Saturday, September 4, 2010 explains that men account for two in every five victims of domestic violence. Statistically, men make up roughly 40% of the victims of domestic violence. Sometimes, this statistics had risen up to about 45-48%.
So far, many cases have challenged gender stereotypes in the sphere of abuse. Logically, a man who is in love, or tied to customary demands is helpless. How does a man break off from his wife or his mother and sister(s)? Many who tried to resist lost the custody of their children, or their birthright. Men who are passionate about their kids, usually find ways to cope with abuse for fear of losing their children in legal battles, which gives the woman wings to fly, and makes the man mostly the villain. These kids who may eventually grow up with their mother may likely be brainwashed about the evil called their father. It is always a sad end for him.
Abuse of the male gender is not given attention, even when they are reported. How many honest parents would caution their daughters when their husbands report them? How many besties will honestly caution their female friends when their male partners report them? We are talking of statistics here.
What this means is that every day, someone you meet/know – a teacher, a tailor, banker, police officer, student, Chief Executive Officer/Managing Director, Vice-Chancellor, journalist, medical doctor, pastor, architect, engineer, manual labourer/domestic help, accountant, pilot/member of cabin crew, Minister/Commissioner, etc., may likely be a victim of one or more forms of abuse.
Not too long ago, a video originating from India revealed a woman, above 90, being beaten up for refusing to eat. Such aged persons are not able to scream loud enough to be heard in order to get help. In our world, the truth remains that, as Pamela Stephenson puts it, “So many people suffer from abuse, and suffer alone.”
This is what this column, Breaking My Silence, is all about. Every Monday, we will navigate the delicate terrain of abuse in relationships. We will identify cases and proffer solutions. We will make it participatory by giving you the opportunity to break your silence.
Thank You
Ifedimma Onwugbufor is a lecturer, social critic, and the author of seven books
