“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old” (Isaiah 43:18).
Most people are at the brink of letting go of their relationship due to overwhelming cases of their partner dwelling in the past, not letting go of some things and adapting to their partner and the relationship, and being the best for each another.
We hear people complain that “s/he’s got too much baggage and I don’t know how to handle it” or “He says my jollof rice just doesn’t taste like his mum’s.”
Kathryn Bigelow, a behavioural scientist and director of the Burnett Behavioral Science Unit at Sydney University in Sydney, Australia, says: “Baggage is merely a name for our collective past experiences.
“What we do with our history and how we manage it is a clear indication of how we will deal with current and future experiences.”
The older we get, the more likely the baggage will increase exponentially, involving -ex, children, stepchildren, in-laws, lifestyles or commitments, just to name a few.
We are not saying you shouldn’t have a collective memory of past experiences, what we are simply saying is, don’t hold on to experiences that add nothing to you and hold you back and upset your partner.
It is not about how much baggage one has, it is more about how you (together with your partner) deal with it.
So, how much baggage is too much, and when do we hang out the “overloaded” sign? This is totally up to you, as every individual is wired differently.
Most people who claim that their partner has a baggage find it difficult to deal with their partner’s inability to let go of past relationships.
For example, a partner who wants to remain friends with every woman he had ever gone out with displays their pictures. For his partner, her gripe will be how to get his ex’s to exit permanently.
Or where a partner won’t let go of her mum, she doesn’t put into practice what is said that “a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.”
She is not trying to adapt to her new relationship at all, but rather wants to bring her mother’s ways into it.
We all know how cumbersome it is travelling with excess baggage, and the costs it can incur. So, the object is to travel through life with just the right amount of baggage.
To achieve this
• Take a hard look at what you expect from a relationship and a partner. List the absolute essentials. The rest is baggage that needs to be discarded.
• From the list of essentials, try to imagine what it would be like to go without one of your “must-haves” for a day. How would you feel? Then try to imagine letting go for longer. The less demanding we are of ourselves and others, the less baggage we accumulate.
• Take a hard look at who you are – yes, who you (really are). Do an honest appraisal of your good and bad points and decide what you would like to change. Then imagine what it would be like if you could rid yourself of that trait for a day. Then try to imagine how much more space you would have in your life if you could let go of one of your negative qualities for good.
• Think about the traits you have that annoy you, or other people, and try to find something funny about them. Creating a humorous side to a bad habit or trait can help diffuse it.
• Be your own best friend and don’t beat yourself up about things that happened in the past. The past is in the past, so there’s no point in worrying about things you can’t change.
• Let go of the anger, resentment or guilt that you may be holding on to. You’ll be amazed at how much lighter you’ll feel!