Relationship is all about give and take. You must be ready to render help and support to the ones you care about; at the same time receive the similar kind of help and support when you are in need. We find out that some of us enjoy being the receiver while the other person solemnly devotes their time, energy, resources, and all; being the giver, the problem-solver.
There is absolutely nothing wrong in being the giver, after-all God loves a cheerful giver. The problem with this is, when such people leave their own issue to start running about to solve the other person’s problem. “How can you say to your brother, brother! let me take the speck out of your eyes, when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eyes?” (Luke 6:42). People that are found obsessed with exclusively trying to solve the problems of their loved ones are known as co-dependents.
A person who is co-dependent will tend to have relationships with people who have a lot of problems – emotional, social, familial and financial. The co-dependent person may spend much of their own time, money and energy helping other people who have problems, while ignoring the problems in their own life. Such a person often suffers from a deep sense of worthlessness and anxiety, and tries to derive a sense of self-worth by helping or rescuing others. A person who is co-dependent may not know how to relax and feel comfortable in a friendship where both people are equals and the relationship is based on enjoying each other’s company. They are always thinking thatsomeone is there in their life because they want something.
Co-dependent people may even feel anxious if someone they have been helping gets their life in order and no longer wants their help. The co-dependent person may immediately look around for someone else they can ‘save’.
If you frequently find yourself being the one at the giving end, and you are not too sure if you are acting out of a genuine kindness or concern, or whether your behaviour is co-dependency, here are few questions to ask yourself in order to determine where you fall.
• Do you find it difficult saying ‘no’ to others, even when you are very busy, financially broke, or completely exhausted?
• Are you always sacrificing your own needs for everyone else?
• Do you feel more humane because you have taken on a helping role?
• If you stopped helping your loved ones, would you feel guilty or worthless?
• Would you know how to be in a friendship that doesn’t revolve around you being the “helper”?
• If your friends eventually didn’t need your help, would you still be friends with them, or would you look around for someone else to help?
• Do you feel resentful when others are not grateful enough to you for your efforts at rescuing them or fixing their lives?
• Do you sometimes feel like more of a mother than a wife in your relationships (and vice versa for men)?
• Do you feel uncomfortable receiving help from other people? Is the role of helping others a much more natural role for you to play in your relationships?
• Does it seem as if many of your friends have particularly chaotic lives, with one crisis after another?
• Did you grow up in a family that had a lot of emotional chaos or problems?
• Do many of your friends have serious emotional and social problems?
• As you were growing up, did you think it was up to you to keep the family functioning?
• As an adult, is it important for you to be thought of as the “dependable one”?
If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you may indeed have a problem with co-dependency. This does not mean that you are a flawed person. It means that you are spending a lot of energy on other people and very little on yourself.
You may wish to step back and rethink your role in relationships. A good therapist or counsellor can help you gain perspective on your actions and learn a more balanced way of relating to others. Other self-help books can be of help too. Remember you are to “love your neighbour as yourself” (Mark 12:31. That’s the yardstick to love. Love yourself first!
