Dear Agatha
I am 14 years of age. I got deflowered by one of my classmates during an inter-house sports competition in school.
Although it was painful in the beginning, I ended up enjoying it. Since then, it has become a routine between us.
Recently, another boy came to our school. From the first day I set my eyes on him, I felt something deep inside of me for him, prompting me to ask him out.
I allowed him to sleep with me on that day. It was so much fun and excitement that I decided that I wanted him more than my former boyfriend.
This led to the two of them fighting and would have become a scandal if my second boyfriend didn’t walk away.
Although my first boyfriend is hell bent on continuing with me, so much so he forced himself on me two weeks ago, it isn’t as much of a problem as the one I want you to help me with.
I think I am pregnant. I haven’t seen my monthly flow which was supposed to come since last week. The funny thing is, I don’t know who between them got me pregnant.
I am wondering if you can help me.
Since I had my last period, I was having sex intermittently with the two of them because my first boyfriend was still adamant. I only stopped about two weeks ago after he forced me to having sex with him.
I don’t know what to do or have the money to terminate the pregnancy. I am in SSS2. My father is a pastor while my mother is the head of the women in our church.
Please can you help suggest where I can go? My friend has already given me some herbal solutions to take but I haven’t, since I am afraid of the look of the thing she brought.
Telling my parents is also out of it. They are too strict and uncompromising. My father really doesn’t have any time for us as his children while my mother is always busy trying to please her husband.
The truth is, I am desperate enough to do anything, including dying if possible.
Desperate student.
Dear desperate student
The first thing is for you not to drink that herbal mixture your friend gave you. If you drink it, you may not live to tell the story or achieve your dream in life despite your wish to die.
Taking your own life will not end your sorrows; as a matter fact, it will only increase it because right now, it isn’t just your life alone. There is a child inside of you who has the right to life irrespective of how you feel about it.
If you don’t want to live for yourself; what about that child who has nothing to do with your decision to have sex with its father without protection?
Although you may think the child has no feelings yet, try to remember your feelings at being neglected by your parents to appreciate the rights of that child growing inside you.
You have made one costly mistake, don’t make another one by thinking of dying. If you have this child, you won’t be the first person to have a child at your age.
If at the age of 14 you are already in SSS 2, it means you are intelligent with a very promising future. It would be such a sad story to see you waste your life or dreams in your attempt to procure an abortion at all costs.
Condemnable as your conduct is, the harm has been done. It is pointless punishing you over what you could have done or not.
I am sure your parents would rather battle with the shame of it all than have you dead in the course of you finding a solution on your own.
No matter how unattractive this option is, they remain your best solution to this mess. They have the experience and knowledge of how to proceed from where you stopped.
Let them know the mess you are in. Their years of counseling as a pastor and head of women have prepared them for issues like this.
Yes, doubtless they would be disappointed, pained and embarrassed at how far you have gone, but the truth remains that you need them now more than ever before.
Whatever the attitudes of your parents are, especially that of your father, you are their daughter hence they owe you some sort of protection.
They don’t have to like what you have done. No parent of a teenage child will ever be happy at the risk to which you have put your entire future as well as the way you have messed up to their reputation. But they are the only ones you can turn to now.
In the first instance, you are still a minor so cannot afford to take this important decision on your own.
Unless you go to a quack or patronise peddlers of local herbs, no registered doctor will risk his certificate to perform an evacuation on you without the express permission of your parents.
And if you are going to keep the child, let them help you manage the crisis. What it will only cost you is a year of academic life.
For instance, they can withdraw you from the school to a location where you can have your baby before your condition becomes obvious and all talks about your moral values begin.
Because you lack knowledge and experience, get someone to urgently tell your mother about your situation; someone she respects and who has the wisdom of approach.
How your parents react would depend on how the intermediary presents the matter and how they get to know. The danger of allowing them to find out your condition by themselves will foreclose any logical decision.
Anger and disappointment may make your father disown you forever; making your going back to school in the immediate future difficult.
For your kind of father, beyond your getting pregnant is the important issue of his ministry, particularly given the picture you have painted it is true.
So if your parents get to find out early enough, they would be forced to consider all available options before the shame becomes too late to manage.
Besides, your wish to die is easier said than done. You are saying this because you are agitated and afraid of the consequences of your actions. Once your parents come with a rescue plan, you will suddenly have the urgent need to want to live again.
As for knowing who the father of the child is, I cannot say because you were concurrently having sex with the two boys.
This is what would hurt your parents more than even your being pregnant. One thing is to assume that this pregnancy was a mistake another thing is to be confronted with the evidence of your carelessness and waywardness.
In their shoes, try to imagine how you would feel if your daughter of 14 comes home pregnant and unable to point to the father of the child.
To protect yourself from public ridicule, don’t even attempt to pin it on any of the boys. By the time you put to bed and a DNA is done, the paternity of the child would be revealed; making it difficult for the man responsible to deny or mock you.
I am also sure that like most young girls, you plan to get married some day. For this simple reason don’t do anything that will affect your productivity as a woman in future.
The woman’s womb is the tenderest part of her body. Once damaged, it cannot be replaced despite advancement in technology.
So be careful of the kinds of risks you take at this delicate stage of your life. Sometimes it is best to become an early mother than to be childless for life. At least, you have learnt the importance of self discipline and wisdom of protecting yourself.
Neither of the boys you slept with is having your kind of challenge. They can afford to walk away and keep their distance from you. But you can’t. You must face the shame of what you did with them all alone.
It is a big lesson you must always remember. The woman is the one who bears all the shame in your kind of situation.
Good luck.
