By Jeph Ajobaju, Chief Copy Editor
From Gombe to Port Harcourt, and back to Lagos where Linda Ikeji lives on Banana Island, women say they are looking for husbands, they are saying it loud, and clear, and direct, and taking desperate measures for men to hear and notice.
Some of the cases in Gombe speak of educated women who live ordinary lives and simply want to marry men with whom to achieve the middle class dream of being neither very rich nor very poor.
Some of the cases in Lagos speak of women who are both educated and uber rich.
Linda, 40, a billionaire who made her money from blogging, announced with her picture on Instagram on December 2 that she is looking for a husband. TheNiche published the story the same day.
In the backdrop of the picture are two of her luxury cars gracing the front of her posh home in one of the costliest residential places on earth; where, at launch, a flat sold for over $400,000. The average price of a house there now is over $16 million.
Banana Island is the most exclusive and most highbrow area of Lagos, located in the lagoon, off leafy Ikoyi. Only billionaires live on the artificial island, and they include Aliko Dangote and Femi Adenuga.
Lindaikejisblog.com is in the top 10 of the most visited websites in Nigeria, per Digital Reports 2021 in its data released in February, and reported by TheNiche on February 17.
Otedola encourages suitors for his daughters
Femi Otedola, who lives in Ikoyi, another high class zone, is also eager to see his daughters wed, and encourages potential suitors in Twitter posts.
Odetola is an oil billionaire. His daughters are heiresses to his wealth, including a yacht. And he owns a private jet on which DJ Cuppy rides solo and posts pictures on social media.
He has three daughters – Tolani (34), Florence (28), popularly known as DJ Cuppy, and Temi (24).
On September 16, 2020, DJ Cuppy announced across Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook that their dad took them “shopping” and bought a Ferrari each for his three girls. One Ferrari cost $218,750. Total cost $656,250.
DJ Cuppy, despite her access to wealth, is intellectually inclined.
She posted on Instagram on March 5 that she has gained admission into the prestigious Oxford University in England to study for a master’s degree in African Studies, beginning in October.
She already has in her bag a master’s degree in music business, obtained in 2015 from New York University, United States.
Natural inclination of men and women
A man by nature wants to marry a woman who will look up to him for leadership.
Generally, a man would rather marry down. Or marry a woman who is at his social level, not above. Because a man knows he has to head the home and lead his wife.
A woman by nature wants to marry a man she can look up to for leadership.
Generally, a woman marries up. Or marries a man who is at her social level, not below. Because a woman knows she has to submit to her husband.
So Linda may not readily find a man who is at her social level or above and who is single and available for her to marry. If she gets one, because she is an ultra rich girl, she will have to be super humble and truly submissive to gain his trust and love.
Can Linda be humble and submissive to a husband? Will she?
Same for DJ Cuppy and her two sisters. Their father encouraging men to marry them can only go so far. They are super wealthy girls. So they will have to be mega humble and genuinely submissive to gain the trust and love of men who will marry them.
Can Tolani, DJ Cuppy, and Temi be humble and submissive to a husband? Will they?
Most men in the universe of women like Linda and DJ Cuppy are married. The few single men in this orbit or above are spoilt for choice. A bevy of women, home grown and foreign, scheme to marry them and throw themselves at such men. Literally.
Stakes high in Lagos
Stakes are high in Lagos, the fifth largest economy in Africa. Every month, it rakes in N60 billion internally generate revenue (IGR), an economy driven by the private sector that pays hefty taxes to the government and pays jumbo salaries to workers.
But, at the same time, in this highly cosmopolitan city, the cost of living is prohibitive. In Lagos, having to provide for a wife, and provide for and educate children, and have some savings, is a daily struggle. And that is putting it mildly.
The dilemma faced by marriageable women in Gombe in the North East is of a different kind, in a city in an agricultural state that has a low cost of living, and where the least graduate civil service job propels to comfortable middle class existence.
The story, published by The Nation, is reproduced below – edited only for house style and for content.
Zamfara, Kano before Gombe
In September 2013, hundreds of single women led by Suwaiba Isa stormed the streets of Gusau, the capital of Zamfara State, protesting against the scarcity of husbands for more than 8,000 of them.
A similar protest earlier planned by Altine Abdullahi for widows and unmarried Kano women in August 2009 was averted by the Kano State government which quickly arranged mass wedding for 1,000 women.
Gombe men not serious about marriage
It had looked as if the trend was restricted to the North West and the Muslim population until a pastor in Gombe State in the North East raised concern over women choosing men from outside the region, especially the South West.
Reports say that 60 per cent of non-indigenes in Gombe State are from the South West, who the Oba of Yoruba in Gombe, Abdulrahim Alao Yusuf, said have been living in the region for more than 150 years.
At 35, Godiya Adamu is yet to find a husband, which she blamed on her inability to find a man who is serious about marriage.
“What would I do? I can’t force myself on men if they do not come,” she said, disclosing that she gave up after about five relationships without meaningful result.
“As far as I am concerned, life continues with or without a husband.”
Abigail, a mother of two, said she chose to be a single mother for her peace of mind. “I live in my own house in this Gombe with my children. I am their mother and their father,” she explained.
Abigail said she chose to be single because she could not play the second fiddle in marriage.
“I have friends who prefer that the man should not make their existence known to the wife at home and they are comfortable with it.
“What I want to say is that one should go for whatever will make one happy. There is nothing new again under the sun.”
Esther, 45 and single, said the new trend is for ladies to go out of their state and culture to marry.
“I was in a wedding where a pastor here in the North complained bitterly that Yoruba men are taking their girls away,” she recalled. “[The man] said when they marry them, they don’t stay in Gombe but take them to their part of the country.
“So I said why will this not be so because some of the young men that you see out there are into drug addiction, and who wants to marry a drug addict?
“The truth is many of them are not serious. It is not only men that are looking for decent and serious ladies, ladies too are also seeking decent men to marry, and that to me is scarce right now in this generation.”
Northern men not keen on educated women
For Amina, a Fulani, her problem is that she is educated but discovered that many men in the North are reluctant to marry educated women.
“Probably because they feel it might not be easy for them to have control over such a woman. So to me, the option is of course to remain single and be both the mother and father to my children.”
Rev. Adamu Dauda of ECWA Gospel Church, Gombe recounted that when he noticed that the situation was becoming alarming, he called for a meeting with all the youths in the church.
Said he: “I lead a congregation of over 1,500 members out of which we have over 800 youths. During the meeting, we discovered that out of the 800 youths, 487 were not married, so I began to take the initiative to talk to them one on one.
“The shocking discovery is that some of the ladies told me that nobody had proposed to them. Then I asked, did you not see anyone that you liked? Some said yes, but they could not go to the man because it is against African culture. That is the area we are now looking into.
“If a lady likes a man, why not go to the man herself? If that will give you better results, why not? Because I can tell you for sure that the church is already getting overwhelmed.”
Dauda blamed the situation on the inability of many young men to use their hands to make ends meet because they are thinking of white collar jobs and other privileges that will come through the government.
“You would believe me that the economy of our country is in serious problem. Many people are struggling. People would tell you that they have spent two or three days without cooking in their homes. In other words, they are looking for what to eat.
“They would come to the church and plead, and because we are one family, the church encourages giving and supporting one another.
“Today, most of our children, especially the boys, graduate and have nothing to do. When you ask them, they would say they are looking for government jobs. Many of them have failed to use their hands to make ends meet.
“They are thinking of white collar jobs and other privileges that will come through government but these are not forthcoming.
“Since they have no job, they have no means of taking care of wives. Many of them you can see walking on the streets with their files instead of taking vocational jobs where they can earn money and make themselves employers of labour.”
Effects of trial marriage
Dauda also cited trial marriage as another reason for the delay in marriage, which he argued is against African culture.
“In those days, because you could not touch a woman before you married her, it encouraged a man to desire to marry. But what is happening today is not good for the ears at all.
“If they could try marriage before they get married then what would prompt them to want to marry again? Because what they are looking for in marriage, they can get it outside marriage.”
And he blamed some women for care free living.
“Some of the women do not have self control, and if you do not have self control, somebody will come and get what he wants to get from you and find his way out.
“Then another person will come, and it goes on like that in a vicious circle. At the end of the day you find out that nobody wants to marry you.
“Hardly will such a lady find a man to marry her, because even if a man is not decent and not faithful, he is looking for a faithful woman to marry. Once a man hears so much about you concerning indecency and other things, they will go away and not want to stay with such a woman.
Interference of parents
“Another factor is on the side of the parents. Most parents do not want their daughter to marry until she attains a certain level of education,” Dauda added.
“In those days, after secondary school, a girl could get married and then both the husband and wife could struggle together and be whatever they wanted to be together. But today, the parents will say she will not marry until she obtains first degree.
“Another thing is that some parents also do select for their children, saying they should wait for a well established family with the hope that marriage with their daughter will get them out of poverty, and the lady will keep on waiting.
“Parents’ intervention in issues of marriage is causing a lot of problems.”
Untimely death of men
Zakariya Hajiya, the chief imam of Government House Mosque, Gombe, blamed poverty for the scarcity of husbands.
According to him, huge wedding expenses for the bride, her family, mosques and churches are big burden on men, worsened by the coronavirus pandemic and insecurity the North East.
“The expenses on those things like dowry, clothes, necklaces, kitchen appliances, bed, television, refrigerator and other household appliances, which a would-be husband would provide for both the bride, her family and faith houses, are so huge for him,” Hajiya said.
“Another problem is the death of many men due to insurgency which have turned many women into widows and with children to cater for. The situation is further compounded by the huge number of widows of soldiers and policemen who die in the fight against insurgency in the North East.
“These women are also part of the society. Most of the time, men are victims of insurgency attacks, banditry, kidnapping and the rest. In fact, recently, men have become vulnerable and endangered species in our society as a result of these crises in different parts of the country.
“So, scarcity of husband, which leads to delay in marriages for women, is not limited to the North East; it is all over. And it is also not limited to women in Islam; it also affects Christians too.”
Shunning polygamy
Hajiya also noted that these days most women do not want to play a second fiddle or allow their husband to marry another woman.
“This is another big problem, especially for polygamists. Some women even kill their husbands for marrying or trying to marry another woman. Yes, it is as bad as that, but it is a deviation from the teachings of Islam.
“Islam allows a man to marry as many as four wives. But these days, once you marry a woman, they hardly agree for another woman to be married after them. Except you have a very strong hold on a woman, it could be very frustrating to put two or more of them under the same roof.
“Some, apart from trying to kill their husbands, even take them to court for divorce. It is as bad as that.”
Society is facing a huge problem in this regard, he added, because the scarcity of husbands is forcing many women into fornication, adultery and even prostitution in order to survive.
“Some of these women are even the ones approaching men now because they are looking for means of survival.”
Hajiya said most women who prevent their husbands from marrying another woman forget that they also have female children.
“Some of them even have as many as four, five or more daughters at home. If you marry one off and that one did not allow her husband to marry another woman, who will marry her sisters. This is what many women who are against polygamy do not understand.
“I am a teacher, and I know that girls in school outnumber boys. It also means that the population of girls is more than boys.”
Expensive weddings
But the Statistician General of Gombe State Bureau of Statistics, Hammed Gidado, disagreed with Hajiya, saying there is no data to support the claim that there are more women than men to explain the scarcity of husbands or delayed marriages.
He said the latest population statistics showed that male children outnumber female children.
“There is no empirical statistics on the ground to support the notion that there are more single ladies than single men in Gombe State for now. However, this could be true on assumption,” Gidado stressed.
“There are five factors which could be responsible for this.
“First is the spiritual cost of marriage. If you are doing it according to Islamic marriage, it will not go through without cost. The same also applies to church wedding. The pastor and the mallam will get something.
“Secondly, the parents will do K’aya hauri or lepe in Hausa, and this will involve buying clothes, boxes, jewellery, etc. The minimum you have to spend on this is nothing less than N200,000. Those are on the side of the person getting married.
“But the cost is even more on the side of the parents who have to buy bed, refrigerator, television, carpet, furniture, cooking utensils and other domestic tools to use at home. So the expenses are even more on the side of the parents.
“These are extreme costs which can run into not less than N600,000 or more than a million naira.
“Another is the cost of reception for invited guests at the wedding. You have to provide food for people. If you are popular, you will expect not less than 100 guests. The cost of what they will eat and drink is more than the dowry.
“In Islamic law, dowry is now pegged at a minimum of N25,000. If you put all these costs together, you will discover that it is one of the things deterring people from getting married.
“Another aspect that is neither cultural nor religious is the issue of courtship or trial marriage, where a would-be husband and wife will live together and do everything that is expected in marriage. By the time they eventually get married in a matter of three to six months, they go for divorce.
“Another thing is the issue of death among men. When a husband dies, the wife becomes a widow and the number of single women increases. However, these are assumptions; there are no empirical statistics to back them up.”
Differences in rural, urban areas
Gidado explained that the upsurge in single women occurs more in urban areas than rural areas and it is not restricted to Gombe State.
“In rural areas, a lady could marry up to three or four times. But if it is in urban areas, like Ibadan or Lagos, or Kano, Kaduna, Port Harcourt and Abuja, who will marry her? In those urban areas, a lady could live up to 50 years without having a husband.
“Whenever it comes to the issue of marriage, what will be going on in the mind of the man is where would I get money? Especially now that everyone is looking for white collar job and government cannot provide jobs for everybody.
“Even when you get the job, the minimum wage is N30,000. Can you manage a home on N30,000 per month? There are also contemporary issues which are not religious, cultural or traditional.
“This issue, sadly, appears to have no solution. Because even when the government intervened and carried out mass weddings, many of the women ended up marrying another woman’s husband and the marriage may not last more than six months.”
North vs South
Gidado said the worrisome aspect is the rate of divorce which is borne out of contemporary issues and is now a common phenomenon all over the country.
“In the South South and South East, ladies now stay away completely from marriage for life. If it is children, they can get their own children and remain single parents. This however is not according to our culture and religion in the North.”
