Dear Agatha
I am a regular reader of your column. I have benefited tremendously from it, and I want to say thank you.
However, I have a problem with this man I met recently. That day, it was raining and he stopped to give me a ride on his bike. Although, I wanted to decline the offer, I changed my mind when the possibility of not getting another means of transportation out of the place dawned on me.
The rains became very heavy on the way, so he decided to take shelter somewhere until it subsided. As we waited for the rains to go down, he told me of his interest in me. I told him it was very difficult for me to trust any man. He responded also by mouthing his fears about women too. But he tried to assure me that not all men were capable of maltreating women. There and then, he declared his desires to marry me.
Since we were meeting for the first time, I was taken aback by his declarations. I told him it was out of place since he wasn’t my boyfriend. He demanded to know if I had any, and I told him I didn’t have any. I also told him that I was still a virgin. He said he wanted to be sure I wasn’t out to deceive him by telling him that.
My challenge now is, what can I do to convince him to go and see my parents? He said he could only go to see my parents on the condition that we come up with something.
Another issue is that he has not rented a house. He lives with his friend. I have also told him that if he wants us to continue to see, our meetings should be in the open, but he refused. What else should I do? Please direct me on what to do.
Ogechi.
Dear Ogechi
Be careful. It is too early for the two of you to be discussing marriage, and given the situation under which you both met, there is the need for both of you to devote more time to studying each other first.
It is not just a matter of coming to see your parents; rather it is more of you knowing the man you want to bring home to your parents. For instance, do you have an idea of what he does for a living or anything about his values, person and character?
If called up to defend certain things about him, what can you say about him? Marriage isn’t an affair where you both meet, do what you want to do and bid each other bye. This is a lifetime partnership, one that requires both of you to spend the rest of your lives together, a union that would transform a complete stranger to the most important person in your life. Deep down, do you think you have the information about this man to give in to this type of commitment?
Marriage is living yourself in another person. Giving your dreams to another person to help execute for you and entrusting all of your essence to another person. Although a journey of uncertainty, it is one that you must have certain assurances before going into it.
What assurances do you have that you and this man are compatible to an extent?
A marriage takes more than love to work. Yes, love begins the process, but it doesn’t end it. Rather, it requires understanding, selflessness, perseverance, friendship, respect, loyalty, trust and plenty of prayers to manage.
Does he have the maturity as well as understanding to overlook some of your excesses or you his? What are his ambitions in life, his dreams for himself as well as for his family? All these are important things you cannot know by jumping into marriage.
The process leading to marriage must strive on honesty and unbiased submission to flourish. The reason for this isn’t far-fetched. It is tedious enough trying to endure the presence, character and deficiencies of another person within the union of marriage, to add ignorance to that is to cripple the union before it even has a chance to survive.
The essence of having a courtship is to give a couple fair chances to remove the veil of being strangers to being friends. Marriages are collapsing because couples are fast-forwarding the entire process to skip the all-important beginner’s manual.
Meeting your parents should not feature now. First concentrate efforts at growing the relationship. With time, you would know if he is the right one for you or not.
Without a thorough study of your beginner’s manual, don’t expect the advance level manual to make any sense to you.
And if you truly want to keep that virginity of yours, stick to your resolve to keep the relationship in the open.
Good luck.
