Good relationships don’t just happen; you have to work at it, and working at it doesn’t mean your relationship is wrong. It simply means you are trying to make the best out of it; thus making both partner happy. This is just the same as working hard towards achieving a healthy physique via exercise. This does not mean that your body is in a bad shape; it just simply means you are trying to put things in order; to improve your health and wellbeing.
Below are some few pointers on how to improve your relationship. Even if you feel your relationship is already good, you can always work at making it better; and if it is on the down side, you can also follow these points to fix it.
Take responsibility for yourself
This means that you have to learn to take responsibility for your feelings and needs. Do not see it as your partner’s duty to make you happy. If that is the case, any slight unhappy feeling of yours will be seen as your partner’s fault, and this might make him/her feel as if he/she is not good enough for you; hence problem. For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late from work, not turned on sexually, and so on, you should explore your own feelings of abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning yourself, and work at changing your mindset. This is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship. Always let your partner know what you need; don’t just assume that he/she should know.
Kindness, compassion, acceptance
As the famous saying goes, “respect is reciprocal”. This same statement can be related to the concept of kindness, compassion and acceptance. If you treat your partner with kindness, compassion and acceptance, it is reasonable to expect the same in return; though this is not guaranteed, but it is somewhat expected to happen. Relationships flourish when both people treat each other with kindness. But if your partner seems to be consistently angry, judgemental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself rather than reverting to anger, blame, judgement, withdrawal, resistance or compliance. You should also note that kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself. If you find yourself in a situation whereby your partner is not retuning the loving, kind, compassionate gesture, then you either have to accept a distant relationship, or you need to leave the relationship; especially if you are not married just yet; having in mind that you cannot make people change, even your partner.
Learning instead of controlling
When conflict occurs in relationships, each person in the relationship wants to prove that they are right or wants to win the argument. A partner might choose to show that he/she is right by controlling the other partner either via manipulation, anger, blame, being judgemental, lying, defending, and so on. But these controlling behaviours will not solve any issue; rather it fuels the conflict more. The best way to solve this is to try learning why conflict occurred, why you/your partner acted that way, thus solving the problem. Remembering to learn instead of control is a vital part of improving your relationship.
Create date times
During the honeymoon phase; the time when people first fall in love, they make time for each other. Then, especially after getting married, they get busy, too comfortable and familiar with one another. Relationships need time to thrive. It is vitally important to set aside specific times to be together – to talk, play, make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together.
Gratitude instead of complaints
Positive energy flows between two people when there is an “attitude of gratitude”. Constant complaints create heavy and negative energy, which is not fun to be around. It is advisable to practise being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner peace, so gratitude creates not only emotional and relationship health, but physical health as well. Learn to say “thank you” to your partner. Tell him/her “thank you” after making love; tell her “thank you” after she served your meal, and so on.
Fun and play
We all know that “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”. Work without play makes for dull relationships as well. Relationships flourish when people laugh together, play together, and when humour is a part of everyday life. Stop taking everything so seriously and learn to see the funny side of life. Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.
Service
A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together, for example; joining a group together, maybe a department at church. Giving to others fills the heart and creates deep satisfaction in the soul. Doing service moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader, more spiritual view of life.
If you and your partner agree to these seven choices, you will be amazed at the improvement in your relationship!
