Special Correspondent, Charles Ihejirika, looks at society’s attitude to educating children about sex, its impact, and how to head off trouble with an early call.
It is rare to find the topic of sex being broached in public: many would prefer that it be left alone, safely behind closed doors.
Even when it is brought up for discussion, it is usually glossed over, not dwelled upon to reveal the pros and cons.
But one thing is sure: sex is always staring us in the face. In books, magazines, films, music videos, on the internet, on the street. Everywhere. Sex refuses to be ignored.
Then the question arises: who are the consumers of these reflections of sex? Children. Teens. Adolescents. Adults. They, consciously or unwittingly, are the audience.
Sadly, young people become victims or propagators of what they consume.
But is all hope lost? What can parents do to ensure their children are adequately equipped to face a world submerged in sex?
Peer influence
Parents owe their children certain basic necessities: food, shelter, education, love. Children, young and impressionable, look up to their parents for guidance as they navigate adolescence to adulthood.
But it is not only parents children learn from. One of the biggest ways children’s values and perceptions are shaped is peer influence.
These peers of children are their age mates and playmates, and they too rely on adults for guidance.
But have we ever wondered what it is about peer influence that makes it such a formidable structure for impacting the right or wrong knowledge?
John Apkan, a pharmacist, said “children like listening to themselves. These are mostly people in the same age, and so it is not strange that they would want to share experiences, good or bad, with themselves.”
Children exchange ideas, negative or positive, among themselves; weighing them with what their parents may or may not have told them. At times, such ideas concern sex.
Children in danger zone
In a recent report for Al Jazeera, a writer, Wana Udobang, put into public consciousness the unfortunate situation of some young children.
He told the story of Mercy, a 15-year-old girl who was raped by a cousin and four other men when she was six years old.
Mercy’s story is heart searing for the fact that even a blood relation of hers could not be considered a safe hand.
There are more of such sad situations; some reported, others swept under the carpet.
One can see how the ever-present effects of sex have rubbed off negatively on kids and the society in general.
How parents can turn the tide
What line of action should parents take? Lock the television? Seize phones? Cut off internet access?
Toni Kan, a writer, called for sex education. “I think it should be taught in the family, especially with the rising incidence of sexual crimes and abuse,” he said.
But what do other parents think? Are they so conservative and believe that the topic should not be discussed?
Mary Anyanwu supports such an approach. “It is good that children hear it from their parents so as not to learn the wrong things,” she counselled.
“It will be easy for them not to be negatively influenced with ‘my boyfriend this, my girlfriend that.’”
Eze-Raphael Uchechukwu, a businessman, said it is important to let children know the do’s and don’ts of sex since they would always be inquisitive about it. “They should be educated so as not to ruin their lives.”
Udochi Mike-Megwa spoke of the disadvantages of not letting one’s children know of the repercussions of their actions. “Some drop out of school. Some are forcibly married off. And their life ambitions are thwarted.”
Appropriate age of sex education
Kan said “children should be made aware of their body and the boundaries defined from a very early age.”
But at what age in particular?
“For me as long as a child can speak parents should begin to tell them where they can be touched and where not to hug, and who not to. We should start early.
“You can’t tell a six-year-old child about sex. He or she won’t get it. But if you say don’t let anyone touch you here or here or don’t hug anyone except mummy and daddy you let them know what to look out for.”
Anyanwu stressed that “children should be taught about sex once they are about entering secondary school.”
It is during this period children meet peers with different views on issues, she said, but once parents have instilled the right values into their children, they will withstand peer influence.
Social critic, Ikhide Ikeheloa, added: “I would say starting at age 10, perhaps nine. Parents should start talking to their kids at an early age.”
To Mike-Megwa, it is best kids are taught about sex once they start undergoing physical changes and are entering adolescence.
Danger of ignorance or carelessness
A lack of sex education or inadequate sex education or wrong sex education causes ignorance about sex. But ignorance about sex does not stop desire, as sex is inbuilt in males and females.
A child or an adult can have sexual desire. However, it is easier for an adult to satisfy this desire, legitimately or by sexually abusing someone.
Women and young girls constitute the highest number of sexual abuse victims.
Men are the main culprits of sexual abuse against women, the weaker sex.
But the other view is that women (including young or teenage girls) can attract unwanted male attention by the way they dress or flaunt themselves – in ignorance or deliberately.
Human rights organisations argue that child sexual abuse is not limited to physical contact and penetration, it could also be unpleasant sexual verbal remarks or exposing a child to pornographic materials.
Earlier this year, Josephine Effah-Chukwuma, the Executive Director of Project Alert, a non-governmental organisation, recounted the true life story of Anna Simpson (a pseudonym) who lives in Lagos.
She said Simpson was preparing lunch for her family with a five-month-old baby strapped to her back. Beside her was her curious four-year-old daughter who was being mischievous.
Raymond Nwosu, her neighbour, walked in. He asked to help take care of the disturbing child to allow her mother finish her cooking.
Nwosu led the child to his room. He unzipped his trousers and slotted his penis into the little girl’s mouth. He gave her sweets and warned her not to tell anyone about it.
Effah-Chukwuma lamented that “schools (primary, secondary and tertiary institutions) and homes (orphanages, motherless babies) have become a breeding ground for paedophiles, who sexually abuse children and young persons.
“As an organisation, we have had cause in the past four years to fight some schools and homes where sexual abuse of children was reported.”
Sexual abuse can be clothed as rape, forceful oral sex, forcible object penetration, defilement of a minor, incest, child pornography, and indecent exposure of private parts and forcing someone to touch them.
Reality of sexual abuse
Studies show that the perpetrators of sexual abuse are often known to the victims. They are usually people they know, not ghosts or masked strangers.
Assailants are often people the victims know, love, and trust. Sometimes they are even blood relations – father, brother, uncle, cousin. Sometimes they are religious leaders, friends, associates.
Children who have attained the age of 12 used to be the target of sexual abuse but recent surveys prove that children as young as five are being abused. Worse still is that sexual abuse is inflicted on infants barely a year old.
According to a recent study, over 95 per cent of sexual abuse cases involving children and young persons are carried out by people known to them.
Female students in Nigerian universities deal with sexual harassment from lecturers, unknown men; and from their own friends.
Males too are sexually abused
Men (including young or teenage boys) also fall victim to sexual abuse, although the rate of sexual abuse against males is not as high as against females.
About one in every 50 males is sexually abused.
Men have narrated stories of having had sex unconsciously with women who drugged them; the trick of the two daughters of Lot who got him drunk to have sex with them (Genesis 19:30-38).
Some statistics
Cleen Foundation reported that in 1999 there were 2,241 cases of rape and indecent assault in Nigeria. Over 1,500 cases were reported in 2000; it jumped to 2,284 in 2001.
In 2002, the figure dropped to 2,084 cases, but rose to 2,250 in 2003. Then in 2004, it dropped again to 1,626; and in 2005 increased to 1,835.
Project Alert studied 155 sexual abuse cases in Nigeria in 2012/2013 and discovered that 70 per cent of the victims were children and young persons below 18.
In 2013, Nigeria recorded about 207 rape cases, out of which Lagos State had 132 and Edo 80. Most of the victims were between ages 12 and 17.
Research conducted by the United States Department of Justice on National Crime Victimisation between 2009 and 2013 showed that about two-thirds of sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim.
And 38 per cent of rapists are a friend or acquaintance.
It also showed that an American is sexually abused every 107 seconds resulting in 293,000 victims every year.
Causes of sexual abuse
Indecent dressing by women could lead men to abuse them sexually. However, some men attack women who are fully dressed.
There is an advocacy that women have the right to dress in a manner that suits them without fear of being sexually abused – which is the product of inadequate or wrong sex education.
In November 2014, about 1,000 demonstrators, mostly women, rallied in Nairobi, Kenya demanding that their clothing choices be respected. The women expressed support for the victim of a mob attack who was stripped due to clothing her assailants deemed provocative.
“My dress, my choice,” read one of their banners.
Effah-Chukwuma insisted that indecent dressing should not be an excuse for sexual violence. She said women have the right to dress the way they choose, just like men, and their dress should not be seen as provocative.
According to her, Nigeria is in an era where what is worn is not what should count but how best to sensitise women and girls to be alert and sensitive to actions tending towards sexual abuse.
But it remains a natural law that a man gets sexually aroused when he sees a woman who exposes her body. It does not change the fact that some men get aroused even when a woman is all covered.
In the Bible, David already had at least seven wives when he saw Bathsheba bathing naked. She was married to Uriah. Yet David lusted and committed adultery with her (2 Samuel 11:1-27).
It is honourable for a woman to dress up to prevent unwanted attention from men.
Differences between men, women in sexual desire
Sex is wired into men and women, but some control the desire better than others.
A man is first moved by what he “sees” in a woman’s physical appearance. He draws closer when he “sees” her good conduct.
Sex is not far from the thoughts of most men. And sexual desire (or sexual calculation) often plays up in a man’s head when he sees a woman not related to him and who is not too old.
When a man is sexually aroused by woman A but cannot satisfy the desire with her, he may transfer it to woman B. The same thing happens when a man comes in contact with pornography in any form, or sees a woman flesh and blood who exposes her body.
In most cases, when sexual desire builds up in a man he looks for a woman to gratify it.
The consequence is that when woman A arouses a man, he takes it out on her or on woman B. This means the sexual abuse a man perpetrates against one woman may be the result of the arousal he got from another woman.
A woman is first moved by what she “hears” from a man. She wants to “hear” what he thinks and feels about her. She draws closer when he “cares” for her.
A woman may not get instantly attracted to a man sexually. Even when she does, she may not express it openly in words – as most men do. Or express it through sexual abuse – as some men do.
A woman speaks with all parts of her body. When she desires sex, or mere attention from men without going the whole hog, she may portray it in her dressing, to get gratification from men ogling her.
In any setting, the more the number of women who expose their bodies to men, the more the number of men whose sexual desire builds up, and the more the number of men who want to satisfy that urge by all means, lawful and unlawful.
Part of the reason the rape of female students by male students is rampant on all university campuses in the United States is because female students appear in different degrees of undress, even at lectures.
A five-year study of cases of sexual assault at the Lagos State University Teaching Hospital (LASUTH) between January 2008 and December 2012 showed that students accounted for 74.2 per cent.
Up to 88.9 per cent of victims were less than 19 years old. Children aged 10 years and below contributed almost 40 per cent of the vulnerable age group in the study.
Some men will sexually abuse women even when not tempted by women. But an awareness of the sexual composition of men and women, and taking precaution against it, will help everyone to stay away from trouble.
Teaching children about sex; the do’s, and don’ts, and the boundaries – at a level they can comprehend and cope with at a given age – can help prevent many from becoming perpetrators or victims of sexual abuse in childhood or adulthood.