Dear Agatha
May God bless you for the wonderful work you are doing. I recently saw some of your advice to people on the internet and thought of asking you for advice as well.
My marriage is a little over a year and blessed with a daughter. I was doing something on my husband’s system and could not find it again so I had to go look in the history column.
While doing this, curiosity got hold of me as I started checking what he has been doing on his PC and to my surprise I saw various dating and porn sites, I felt bad and the trust I had in him varnished.
I later called him to let him know he needs to end things that are not beneficial to his family and personal life on the internet without telling him how I got to know. He was really disturbed that he kept thinking all day what I was talking about.
The problem now is that I don’t hold back on issues if any arises but I don’t want to tell him about what I know and at the same time I can’t help but think of it when he is busy with his system in the pent-house.
Do I just keep praying he remains faithful, or tell him how I got to know and hear what he has to say?
Another issue is that I have had no job since I got married a few months after my youth service.
To avoid constantly asking him for money when I need personal things as a woman, I told him to please deposit some money in my bank account. But he has refused, even though he said when I made the demand that I didn’t need to tell him as he has the desire to do so when we become financially buoyant.
My problem is that there are times we have more than enough for him to give me.
Please how do I make him see reason and have a change of heart?
I feel that he is taking advantage of me as I consider myself a conservative person when it comes to spending money.
Anonymous.
Dear anonymous
This is what a woman gets when she goes through her husband’s phone or personal computer. The fact that you are both married does not mean he or you should not have your personal files on your computer or phones.
One thing you must never do is go through his files, to avoid creating unnecessary problems in your marriage. One thing that destroys marriages is a woman going through the personal things of her husband.
Now that you have the information, would it change what he is into? Who has sleepless nights worrying over the discovery? You! You are the one who is all stressed up with thoughts of why he is doing it and whether you should tell him or not.
As far as he is concerned, it is business as usual. To tell him would be to betray his trust in allowing you to use his personal computer.
This would only create tension between the two of you, a situation you should try as much as possible to avoid, given the issue of finance you have with him.
It will only make you react in a way that might cause a major challenge between the two of you. This stage of your marriage is very critical.
This is the foundation laying phase. Any mistake now could wait for you in the future; so do not make a big issue of what you saw.
If the truth be told, he is just one in the majority of adult men and women who patronise the internet for such ecstasy. You will be surprised how many women compete with X-rated sites for their husbands’ attention.
The trend is such that some women also visit such sites to upgrade their performances in order to sustain the interests of their husbands in them.
With sex so cheap to access these days and some business persons opening sex toyshops, resist the urge to make a big deal out of what you saw, or else you might be making the big mistake of forcing him to fashion another means of getting himself high.
Do not be discouraged by what you saw, it is not worth it. You still have a very long way to go in this journey and you should never allow issues such as these to get under your skin at all.
When the critical challenges marriages go through chance on yours, you will realise this is but a child’s play.
Contrary to the old tradition when sex was regarded as an under the table business, the internet and all the modern gadgets that give instant access to it have demystified sex.
These days, anybody, including very young children with imaginative minds, can go to these sites to watch and download the same films your husband is watching.
If the under-aged have access to these adult sites unhindered why make a fuss of it when a mature mind goes there?
Sincerely, you are lucky that what you saw was not of him and another woman. So many things are wrong with modern marriages that a woman who wants to stay sane in her marriage tries to avoid tension points as much as possible.
If you are so bothered, what you can do is stimulate your conversation with him after lovemaking to the subject of adult films. Cleverly brew up a story of how your friend is feeling bad about her husband’s penchant for those sites.
Ask him what he thinks of X-rated films and probe further to know if there are things couples can learn from such sites.
If he is not too forthcoming, tell him you would want to visit such a site with him to see how it can improve your sex life since you want to be the best for him.
He may have kept his interest to himself for fear of what your reactions would be. If he senses you are willing to explore the options these films offer to your sex life, he may agree to your request by opening up.
Also, be careful you do not become negative and begin to condemn him or the film if he decides to allow you watch with him. This might make him never to trust you again.
Being interested in this aspect of him would also reduce the likelihood of him having an extra martial affair with a woman who has no such inhibitions against the menu of the sites he appears hooked to.
There are so many women out there ready to do anything to make a man happy as long as he allows them get close enough to be his wife or mistress.
In all sincerity you have nothing to lose by joining him at times; after all, you are both licensed for this kind of adventure if that is what it would take to make your marriage work.
As for the financial aspect of your marriage, be careful also. Issues to do with control of money must be managed with care in marriage, like the sexual aspect.
For you to know if he has more than enough to give, you must know how much he earns. Out of this money, how much goes for feeding, house maintenance, rent, electricity bill, and other miscellanies in the home every month.
How much is he left with? It is out of what he is left with you should premise your demand on. From the amount he is left with, how much do you think would be reasonable for him to give you at the end of the month?
Believe me when I say I know what it is like to be completely dependent on one’s husband, but you just have to be patient to overcome this challenge. If he is refusing to pay some money into your account, do not fight him. Allow him be.
Just cost your personal needs for the month and ask him to add it to the house keeping allowance. As long as the amount is reasonable, he would not mind adding it to your house keeping.
It is when the amount you are asking is far too much for him that he would react. Just show a little bit of understanding to get your marriage off this point.
Good luck.