By Tina Kanu
One of the greatest destructive factors in marriage is the mistaken belief that it is supposed to provide all needs and if you do not have all your needs met, you should get out of the marriage.
Some think their spouse is to provide them with everything that makes life enjoyable, including happiness. They think he/she is there just to cherish, admire and love them and anything short of this is not acceptable.
The reality is that people are not always easy to live with, that is why as Christians, we are encouraged to persevere through tough times whether we feel happy or not.
Christians are never promised an easy life. Life is not easy and cannot be great all the time.
Some spouses describe their partners as insensitive: “Oh he doesn’t understand me,” “Oh she is too demanding and irresponsible.”
We hear these comments each day.
However, true joy in marriage does not come from pursuing our individual good but by seeking to make each other happy.
We must quit worrying about ourselves all the time and focus more on the other person. The Bible says it is more blessed to give than to receive. When we give, we receive.
It is wrong to think only of what we can get from others. We must also be wise enough not to turn every issue into a battle. Some things are not worth fighting for.
Marriage, like all other relationships, involves give and take. It should not be all about what we like, what we want, and what we need.
Sometimes the best thing to do is set aside our own needs and desires. There are certain things we ought to simply let go of.
Life is not fair so don’t keep record of all wrongs done to you by your spouse. We must learn to give up our rights for what is right.
Paul in most of his letters to the church talks about letting go of our rights sometimes as God’s children.
In Philippines 3:7-9), he says: “But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ.
“Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ.
“And be found in Him, not having mine own righteousness which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ the righteousness which is of God by faith.”
These verses show that most things that seem like big issues to us are of little consequence when we see them in the light of God’s Word.
Winning every argument and getting what we want may feel good, but we gain more when we follow God’s example and lay down our rights for others.
I am not implying that we shouldn’t ask our spouse for anything we need. What I am saying is that letting our spouse know our needs and desires is good but creating conflicts with them is unhealthy and unnecessary.
If I want something from my husband or my husband wants me to do something for him, we can whine and nag or complain and argue until he gets what he wants, but the question is, is it worth the fight?
Whenever we want something and our spouse disagrees, we should not take it wrongly but rather try and see reason with him/her and ask ourselves questions such as: Are my motives for these things pure? Are my needs and desires in order and timely?
We must guide against self-centredness. We must ask ourselves if our spouse can afford that our need or desire at that point in time.
After we take time to pray and carefully evaluate the situation, we will be in a better position to discuss with our spouse in a more positive way.
Some people try to get whatever they want from their spouse with force and manipulation. They try to control others with temperament and tantrums just to get their desires met.
But the truth is that you cannot have a good marriage when all you want is to get your way in everything.
We must be adaptable and guide against selfish behaviour.
James 4:1 says jealousy and unfulfilled desires lead to strife. It says that conflicts, quarrel and fight start because our desires are warring in our body.
Fights start between us because of all the things we want and do not know how to get. So we struggle to make them happen by all means. Selfishness destroys marriage, so get rid of it.
It is very important to ensure our expectations are not out of place.
We are taught by the Word of God to put our expectation and hope in God. He is the source of our every need. He works through people to meet our needs but we must allow Him choose who and how to make those things happen for us.
God created each of us in a way that our greatest needs, dreams and desires can only be fulfilled by Him alone.
Our needs are numerous, ranging from security to significance, to making impact. Some have need to be loved, to be appreciated, et cetera.
All of these individual needs can only be fully met by God through a genuine constant relationship with Him. We must constantly ask God to help us develop a heart of contentment.
Being content does not mean we should not get what we want from time to time but applying wisdom in making decisions of what we want and not relying on our emotion.
Paul said in Philippians 4:11-13 that he knew with Jesus Christ he could be content in all circumstances.
As Christians, can we say the same thing when our husband’s job does not bring in enough income for us to buy the latest designs for ourselves and our kids? Can we be content to wear the clothes his income can buy?
As a husband, can you be content with your wife when she is not living up to your expectation in some areas?
Patience is a great virtue that goes together with contentment. The important secret of contentment is not in having things, but in having Jesus Christ and allowing Him give you inner strength.
We must keep our eyes on things of eternal value. God’s power in our lives will help us overcome the desire for immediate gratification and seek lasting rewards which are of God.
“Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before” (Philippians 3:13).
Whatever problem we may have encountered in the past due to high expectations must be left behind us.
Let us be determined to turn ourselves into a blessing to our spouse and family by choosing to be more responsible with the resources God has given us.
It does not matter how much or how little we have, what matters is contentment.
An ideal marriage is one in which both partners allow the Lord to meet their basic personal needs.
When this is so, then both operate from the motivation to give to each other in ways that contribute to each other’s happiness and help draw each closer to Jesus Christ.
Shalom