The Ibadan Diary: No, I won’t waste my sperm again!
By Taju Tijani
Timi Adeojo was looking unhappy. He has been looking for a job for the last four years. Fair skinned, tall, bony, handsome, bearded and fashionable. He lazes around with friends debating a way out. He has spoken to many travel agents in the hope that he may get a visa to japa. He tried so many options but things are not working for him. He hates Nigeria. He hates his being born a Nigerian. He finds it tough to eat proper meal on a daily basis. His HND certificate has been gathering dust since the last four years.
“I don’t need any woman in my life anymore. I met this woman who has three children. I thought that we could manage together. After work in the evening, I’ll ride my Okada to her place. I’ve never gone to her place empty-handed o. It is either I buy bread, spaghetti, semolina, chicken, milo, milk or small bag of rice. I did all these for months but she seems to be demanding more. Then I sat down one day and thought about the love adventure. To me, I felt at a loss. I began to reason, ‘What is the big deal?’ Why am I being played around like a football?” Qudus, the Okada rider, engaged Timi as he was being driven to Oke Ado.
“So, you still have time for women in these hard times,” Timi asked, waiting for Qudus for an answer. “Egbon not really. I just wanted to have one as a companion. But the way things are now, I don’t need them anymore. For me no more dating. I’m retaining my sperm. I won’t waste my sperm. I’m done with transactional love affairs. O ti su mi jare,” Qudus answered, as he manouvered his bike dangerously at the Molete roundabout.
Timi thought deeply about the words of Qudus. “I’m retaining my sperm” “I won’t waste my sperm.” He felt enlightened. He realizes that he had been doing the same by default for the last one year.
He had not dated any woman for the last twelve months. He kept to himself and concentrated on getting an income. What he did not realize was that he had been retaining his sperm and not wasting it. He felt relieved to know that he has joined the brigade of sperm retainers who have pledged not to waste their sperm just anyhow over nothing.
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He paid Qudus and walked briskly into an office in Oke Ado. There, he met a classmate. He hugged him energetically. Both were in the office to pick a job form. His friend looked poorly and gaunt. He could not comment on his shocked appearance not to embarrass his friend and classmate. “Abbey bawo ni now,” Timi said. “Wo Timi, you know what is going on now. Ilu le gan. I’ve been trying to japa but the visa is my problem. I now live with my bro in Eleyele,” Abbey answered, looking vacant.
“Tosin nko now,” Timi asked Abbey about his girlfriend. “Ki lo pe na. Tosin ke. I’ve not been dating again my brother. I am looking for what to eat not what will eat my money, time, resources and energy. No woman for me now. I don’t want that baggage for now. In fact, who is dating again? People I know are running away from women. Are you still dating? Abbey replied bluntly.
“Guess what, the Okada guy who brought me here was on the same page with you. He has stopped dating. He said that he wanted to retain his sperm. He could not care less. He spoke to me about his tango with a woman who kept taking from him but no action. Then he decided that he will no longer waste his sperm on women. He said that he has joined the brigade of sperm retainers. I think this new trend is gaining ground very fast among young people now. Abi ki lo ro? Timi explained to his friend.
“Ore, bo se wa niyen o. Where is the money to spend on women? I have been looking for job for the last three years and no joy. Look ore, woman is not my problem. My sperm is under lock and key. I will never waste it chasing shadows. If I have money women will come to look for me. But now, I am a brigade member who wants to keep his sperm jare. The dating scene is full of deceit. It is full of material exchange. The more you spend, the more a woman will consider whether you qualified or not. I don’t want that anymore. Love must be mutual, not an exchange of money, resources and time,” Abbey said, as he hailed a pure water seller nearby.
“O ga o. Are we moving toward to a new romantic trajectory in Nigeria? The condition of the economy has rendered many young people penniless and helpless. Scarce money is being spent on food and not on ephemeral things like dating and feeding a woman on jollof, chicken and ice cream. No. Never again. I will look after myself first. No more sperm wasting. I am now retaining my sperm and spending scarce money on myself and myself alone,” Timi said, as he gulped his pure water.
“Let me bust your brain a bit. There is a man in my area, he has not been dating for the last five years. I have never seen a woman cross his gate. I just can’t figure out why. He is in love with his two Alsatian dogs which he walked around in the evening. Guess what? One day, I gbeborun and asked him. He burst into laughter. He explained that many women, including married women, have taken advantage of him in the past. He said that one nearly took off with his car. He said that he has not touched women for the last five years. I was shocked because this man has money and status. He is part of the sperm retaining brigade. You could see that our men are getting wiser. Rather than spend huge amount of money on dating, they are now looking after themselves and retaining their sperm along the way,” Abbey further explained.
“Timi, I need 2k to get me home?” “Sure, I can spare that,” Timi answered Abbey on his request. Both hugged and departed. Timi saw a beautiful lady across the road. The lady was bow legged, plump, very ripe at the rear and gorgeous in the front. He cautioned his romantic instinct and remembered the Qudus mantra: “I’m retaining my sperm” “I won’t waste my sperm”.