Dear Agatha,
Please help me. My marriage of several years is going down the drain. My wife and I are both workers in the church, as well as very respected elders. It won’t be out of place to call us the typical born again. Our parents were very strict Christians of the Apostolic Faith Church.
Our marriage was good because as a bank manager I could afford to take good care of my family.
My wife didn’t complete her education because we compromised and she got pregnant. Due to the strictness of our church doctrine and to protect the image of our parents, we rushed into marriage without praying about it. Even when our parents were asking questions, we lied about God giving us the approval to marry. The second one came almost immediately after the first child, so she couldn’t continue with her school. By the time she indicated interest in going back to school, I felt it wasn’t necessary because the children were still very young.
Besides, I felt the children were better with their mother around them; so insisted on her running her own business. I even helped her along the line to get some contracts from some of my friends.
I knew she was jealous of some of my female colleagues, but since there was nothing to defend, I didn’t think much of it.
However, I lost my job during the consolidation period and haven’t been able to get any, forcing me to depend on my savings and money made by my wife from her businesses.
Since she became the breadwinner, not only has she changed, but has abdicated the care of the children and home to me. I now cook, tend to the house, as well as the children while she claims to be busy looking for money for the family. If I protest, she barks and has now become so rude that everybody has noticed, including our families. She doesn’t allow my people in the house anymore, insisting that as the head of the family she cannot afford to provide for them as well as her children.
Although she graciously bought me a car when my former car broke down and gave me some money when I first lost my job, things are really bad at home. One of her grouses is that I didn’t allow her go back to school. I have tried unsuccessfully to talk to her. Each time I tried, she would insult me.
I am really fed up with all the insults and humiliation she is subjecting me to. I am thinking of ending the marriage and saving my pride as a man. I have lost my faith and confidence as a man, but I am afraid that my children would suffer more if their mother and I decide to go our different ways. I love them so much to subject them to that.
Felix.
Dear Felix,
Many men have impossible women like your wife in their homes, but are still married to them because they remembered to hand over the hearts of such women to God.
Without mincing words, women are the more unpredictable of the two genders. As a man, you should be prepared to accommodate these mood swings and sometimes very unreasonable behaviour from your wife.
The fact that you did not properly ask God for His unequivocal approval before rushing into marriage is the genesis of the problem you are currently experiencing. It is indeed a big shame that a Christian family like you painted of yours is having a problem that is as deep as yours and unable to find a common ground.
If you had involved the church, I am sure you both would have found emotional guidance from the leadership of the church. But it isn’t too late because two of you, as workers and elders in the church, are role models. From all that you have narrated, the situation has gone beyond you. When a woman begins to insult her husband, not minding who is watching, that man has lost her complete respect and it would take a person or institution she respects to get her back to her senses. There is no way the church would allow your marriage bite the dust.
But there is something very wrong here. How come your families are unable to help resolve the crisis? There is no way they can claim not to know if she tells them all the things you claim she says to them. Why haven’t you gone to report to her family? If you have, what is their reaction? Have you really prayed about the issue as a Christian and one who knows God and who has faith in His powers? I would be the first to admit that some marriages are very problematic; but nothing is beyond God.
Have you considered that the problem may be you? There is the possibility that her inability to go back to school is an issue you didn’t really count on her opinion, took a unilateral decision without putting her feelings, desires, dreams and emotions into consideration. How did you relate to her when you had a job? I am not making excuses for her, but something must have induced these dramatic changes in her. From your own admission, she helped you in buying a car, gave you money when you first lost your job.
If she subsequently refused you, then you must have done something to hurt her deeply to warrant this behaviour. It could be your character or attitude that is the problem.
Seek her out and try to get to the root of the problem. If she refuses to open up to you, for goodness sake, involve the leadership of your church. Before you do that, seek the assistance of God. Beg for forgiveness and ask for His mercies in tackling these problems. If her arrogance is the issue, please commit her heart to God. He can make her be the type of wife you want.
Since marriage is a continuous learning process, you can never know it all or get it right from day one. The stage you both went through has prepared you for the next stage. The challenges of this stage would never again be much of a problem to both of you should the situation ever arise again.
Economic problems form the bulk of the challenges facing married couples today. It is a landmine, which needs God-given wisdom to navigate. Nobody, but time, has the panacea to it. You both need time to appreciate your worth in each other’s life. Like you rightly observed, the children suffer the more from separations and divorces. Forget your wife’s haughty attitude and go to her. Though you are the head, only the wise stoops to conquer, since two wrongs can never make a right. She remains the woman, so rise above her and show her that you remain the leader of your home.
It may be an unpalatable preposition, but who cares when your happiness and well-being of the children are the concern here? It doesn’t matter anymore who is right or wrong; rather, what matters is a peaceful and God-fearing home.
With prayers and determination to succeed against all odds, your marriage would someday become the ideal. So create time to speak to your wife because no matter what, she remains your wife till death parts you both.