Many wonder and ask ‘why relationships fail’. The answer to such question could be glaring, and in most cases the answer might be difficult. Below are some few reasons relationships fail, and it is important to consider these, to avoid killing your relationship.
Controlling behaviour
Most people go into relationship with unresolved fear of rejection; probably those faced while growing up. Such fear encourages various forms of controlling behaviours; these can be classified into two – the overt control and covert control.
Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blame, anger, rage, violence, judgement, criticism and ridicule towards your partner.
Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying.
The result of a controlling behaviour is always resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.
Resistance
Other sets of people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled. Because they already feel this way, at any instance when they feel their partner wanting to control them, they respond with resistance – by withdrawing into their nest, becoming unconscious, numbness, forgetting things they ought to do in the relationship and starts to procrastinate.
The result of this whole resistance behaviour in an attempt to avoid being controlled, leading to relationship becoming immobilised. Partners in such relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant and resentful.
Neediness
First, before going into a relationship, you must have things that make you feel fulfilled and good about yourself. Don’t make the mistake of going into a relationship just to fill your emptiness and take away your loneliness. When such is the case, you will forget to learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs, defining your self-worth. This can be draining to your partner, because your neediness might make you seem as the only person receiving in the relationship. There has to be a balance.
Substance and process addictions
Taking the cue from the pointer in the ‘neediness’ paragraph above, people who feel empty inside end up turning to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Examples of what people use to curb their emptiness and loneliness are: abuse of alcohol and drug, food binging, excessive spending, gambling, busyness, internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, etc. Note that all these are forms of shutting out your partner.
Eyes on partner’s plate
Many people are good at pointing fingers to what their partner is doing wrong, while forgetting what it is they are doing wrong to contribute to their partner’s behaviour. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgemental behaviour causing such behaviour in your partner. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own nagging. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behaviour, but very unaware of your own enabling – as a result of occupying yourself with other things instead of quality time with your partner. As long as your eyes are on your partner, instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.
What to do
In other to resolve and avoid relationship killers, the way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for his/her own feelings and needs, define your own inner worth, willingness to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself. Through this, you will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behaviour and start to engage in an inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.