By Tina Kanu
There are many mistaken beliefs about love and marriage which have done a lot of damage to marital union.
Many people have this false dogma that there is only one true love for them out there. If you believe that we each have one true love, what then will you do when you discover that your spouse is not so lovable sometimes.
You may be tempted to think that you actually made a mistake. You may also conclude that your spouse is not really the one for you.
Once you accept this wrong belief of one perfect spouse for us, you also believe that once we find him/her, there will be no more work involved in the relationship.
We must know that true love doesn’t come easily. True love is not just discovered, it’s created. True and lasting love is possible and it is also necessary in marriage.
Commitment and love go together. Love is a choice just like commitment. You can choose to be committed or choose not to be committed. True love doesn’t just happen, it must be cultivated so that it can grow.
Making a decision to love is not always easy but we are commanded to do so as Christians. And Jesus Christ did not tell us to love only those who are lovable and give up when it becomes difficult, but to love even when it is not easy.
Luke 6:32 says, “For if you love them which love you, what thank have ye? For sinners also love those that love them.”
God called us Christians to a higher kind of love. And this kind of love is important in marriage. Marital love requires devotion. We must be devoted enough to love both lovable and unlovable things in our spouse.
God loves beyond our sin and ugliness. He wants us to show this kind of love also to others starting with our spouse.
One may ask: what kind of love keeps marriage?
There are three kinds of love in relationship. Namely Eros, Philos and Agape love.
Eros love is sexual love. This is the kind of love that seeks sensual expression.
Philo’s love is a friendship love, companionship love, the kind of love that shows care and concern for others.
Agape is an unconditional love, it is a self-giving love.
Love that keeps marriage is philos love. You may wonder why I did not start with Agape; philos is a Biblical word for friendship love. Romantic love cannot keep marriage but friendship love can.
According to Normal Wright, a renowned marriage counsellor, a friend is someone you like to be with, someone whose company you enjoy, someone you can play with, share interest with, someone whose personality you like.
This is companionship love.
You can also describe this kind of love as a tender attachment or a strong bond love. It is not characterised by constant excitement or passion though you may have this feeling from time to time.
While passionate love thrives on high arousal level, friendship love thrives on contact and also requires time to develop and grow.
When couples develop this kind of love, it helps to stabilise their relationship when romantic love has faded. Philos ignites the fire in our relationships.
Philos love requires you to be dedicated to your spouse. It also involves you being interested in fulfilling your spouse’s needs than yours. It is learning to enjoy what your spouse enjoys and not always convincing him/her to do otherwise.
I never had interest in sports until I got married. I developed interest in football particularly. I started enjoying football when l started watching it with my husband.
In fact, l always look forward to watching football with him. It affords me the opportunity to spend more time with him.
Though I studied mass communication, I was never interested in political matters but because of my husband, I have become so versed in political matters.
My husband has also developed interest in some things he wasn’t interested in, because I have interest in them.
He likes watching entertainment programmes with me. But before now, he never watched any other thing on television aside news and sports.
Friendship means doing something together and be comfortable as an individual. Friendship love also involves a level of intimacy in which there is openness and sharing of goals, plans, dreams and work.
Friendship is part of God’s intention for marriage because there is a vow of trust in it. In friendship marriage you are not selfish or competitive; rather you wish your spouse the best.
A friend doesn’t always approve of all we do or say, and that is right. Friends don’t also control each other because they respect each other well. They can disagree but it does not destroy their relationship.
Let’s look at another kind of love that is also good for marriage relationship. That is Agape love.
Agape love is a selfless love, it is a gift love, the type of love shown by God in His abundant love for us. Agape love is described perfectly in 1 Corinthians 13 – patient, kind, does not envy, is not boastful and not proud.
The kind of love that delights not in evil. This love is not easily angered, but rejoices in the truth. Love that never fails. With Agape love, we are able to see the qualities of our spouse.
Agape love refuses our mindset. It helps us respond with appreciation and love towards our spouse. It is not based on performance. Agape love is a transparent love and transparency involves honesty.
Transparency is the law of marriage and couples must strive for it at any cost.
Agape love helps you to be content with those things that do not live up to your expectation. This love must be at the heart of every marriage because it helps keep the other types of love alive.
Agape love is a healing force in marriage, it helps to diminish irritability and frustrations by helping us to seek to fulfil our spouse’s needs rather than pursuing our own.
God has called us to be vessels of love pouring out generously to our spouse.
Marriage is God’s creative gift to us, providing us the opportunity to express love to its fullest in the safety and security of an abiding relationship. We’re able to love because God first loved us.
Loving each other is one of the most important tasks for couples to fulfil, which is another way of reminding ourselves of God’s love for us.
Sometimes it feels as if our love for our spouse is in a dormant state and we wish if this love can ever be revived. The power and ability to do this is only found in the fountain of true love Himself, God.
1 John 4:7-17 describe love, and where and how to find love.
The text says, “Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.
“In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.
“Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.
“No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us. Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit.
“And we have seen and do testify that the Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the world. Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God.
“And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.
“Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world.”
Simply put, love is a God thing. When we recognise and accept God’s love for us, it helps to provoke our own love for people around us.
Let us therefore draw near to our source of pure love and fill ourselves by drinking from this fountain every day of our lives.
We list some points here which can help give more meaning to our relationship.
One. True love is not discovered, it is created.
Two. Loving our spouse is not based on our own self-love but to understand that our value is from God.
Three. Marital love is a commitment which involves affection, friendship, pleasure and selfless love.
Embracing and practising these points, we can begin to build our marriages on a more sure foundation.
Remember, a house built on truth and love will stand the test of time.
Shalom.