Dear Tinu,
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I am a woman in my late 40s. My husband walked out of the house about two years ago and left me to fend for our two children alone. We had been married for six years when he left.
Honestly, I regret marrying the useless man. Looking back now, I shouldn’t have married him. We never had a moment of peace. I admit that I settled for him because I had waited so long to get married and it was beginning to look like I would remain single for life.
Truth is that the last two years have been bliss, without having anyone giving me grief or breathing down my neck. I really don’t want my husband back, but how do I get him to become involved with our two kids. They miss him so much and it’s as if he has totally forgotten about them. Anytime I try to get across to him to even remember the kids and call or even show up on their birthdays, he gives excuses. Of course, this attitude makes me so angry that we end up having a shouting match on the phone which leads the conversation to nowhere.
I do not require any financial support from him because I am financially stable, but is it too much to ask a man to be there physically and emotionally for his children? I don’t understand how he can forget them so easily. Isn’t that irresponsible? I am tired of calling him? What else can I do? Please help.
Mrs. F.
Dear Mrs. F.,
I can understand how you feel, having counselled a lot of women who find themselves in your situation (husband walking out on the marriage). However, the slight twist in yours is that you do not want your husband back. I am not even sure if that should be a positive or negative thing.
On the positive note, at least, you are focusing on your children who didn’t ask to be put in this position. I am pretty sure they feel the absence of their father too and may go through emotional trauma. Sometimes, the children even think it’s because of something they did that their father abandoned them.
You have admitted you do not need your husband in your children’s life financially, and I suspect that not only does he know, you have told him severally. The challenge here is that when you make statements like that or demonstrate it, you are inadvertently pushing him away. One of the ways a man’s strength is demonstrated or measured is by his financial capability which translates into providing for his home.
When you repeatedly demonstrate or tell him that you do not need his financial input, you are saying so many things like “we don’t need you”, “we can survive without you”, “you are not important to us”.
It’s a different situation if the man is unable to afford to take care of his home. I will suggest you stop telling him that and let him come with whatever he wants to see his kids with. Children need their parents for every support: physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally etc.
I advise that you don’t stop praying for the restoration of your home too. God can change you and your husband’s mind. Children need a good home to thrive in. I wish you the best.