Dear Tinu,
I have been married for eight years and blessed with three adorable children. My husband and I started our relationship in 2004 and I looked forward to sharing the rest of my life with him in love and joy. I love my husband so much and I have shown him and every member of his family nothing but love. But he has chosen to rob me of my joy. For the past seven years, I have struggled with the issue of a third party in my marriage. The spirit of adultery has ensnared my husband so much that he just can’t just do without strange women in his life.
I have pleaded, fought, prayed, fasted, sown seed, gone for counselling and all. Infact, he has gone for deliverance session, but all to no avail. He just can’t stop. He engages in all manner of tricks to hide his act, like making and receiving calls in his car, sleeping very late at night to make calls, locking his phone and all sorts, but God has a way of exposing him. The saddest part of the story is that God himself has resisted him because everything he lays his hand on has refused to prosper.
I have lost all the respect I have for him. I feel I am living with an enemy. I feel so sad for him and even more for myself because the more God blesses me, the more responsibility I have to carry, because nothing is presently working for him, except women. I cry day and night because I never imagined myself in this situation.
I really feel like filing for divorce, but for our children. I never had the chance to suck the breasts of my mother, let alone being raised by her. It was only the grace and mercy of God that saw my siblings and I through, and I particularly don’t wish the same for my children. If I leave, my husband will just take them to his parents in Ibadan and mess up their lives.
Please help me.
Mrs. O
Dear Mrs. O,
I am very sorry that you feel the way you do, but I believe there is no situation God cannot change.I am unable to fully address all your issues appropriately on the mail,but let me just say a few things:
1) No man can give joy; therefore none should take your joy. Your joy must come from God because that is what will sustain you in this world. I want you to take your mind off whatever is going on and focus on God,so that you do not create health issues for yourself.
2) Your husband can change,onlyif he wants to. He can go for amillion deliverance sessions and nothing will happen except he makes up his mind to. Deliverance is of the mind. I am available, if he wants to speak with me.
3) Nothing will change, if you keep accepting your husband’s behaviour as “normal” because not all men are cheats. You must create boundaries and deal-breakers. He cannot continue to behave as he does and pretend everything is okay. As long as you accept his behaviour, he will not change– after all, there is nothing to lose.
4) What rules govern your home? Where there are no rules, there is no sin. What precautions do you take to ensure boundaries are not crossed? What are the agreed consequences of crossing boundaries? If your spouse is willing to change, then the efforts must be seen. Truth is, if he has formed a habit of cheating (I suspect he was doing that even before you got married), he will not change overnight. He will have to commit to deliberate and sustained counselling for real change to happen.
5) While I understand that you do not want to break up your home, you have to understand that bringing up children in a toxic environment is equally as damaging. Children model their parents’ behaviour, and you are laying a foundation for their future by what you expose them to.
6) Infidelity and adultery are not to be taken lightly, as theco nsequences are often unimaginable and there are far-reaching effects. You need counsel too, as it is evident that bitterness has taken over you.