Dear Tinu,
I need to know if this is how I will continue to live for the rest of my life.
I have been married for over 10 years with three children. My husband lost his job in the sixth year of our marriage, and it was such a traumatic experience for him. The circumstances surrounding his dismissal from work made him swore never to work for anyone again. He has refused to start a job search and has been struggling to start a business.
Unfortunately, business has not been good for him and rather than make any money, he has actually lost money. All these while, we have been able to keep the home running by what I earn as salary.
The main problem now is that my husband has refused to help out at home.
I go to work daily to earn money and he waits for me to come home without helping to cook or take care of the children. To make matters worse, he would make unreasonable demands like preferring to eat only freshly-made soup. Whenever, I ask him to help me out, we get into fights, as he claims that I am trying to turn him into a woman. He doesn’t know how the children feed nor get involved with their school runs or work. What do I do? I need help.
Mrs. J.
Dear Mrs. J.,
Let me start by saying that you are not alone in this type of situation. There are lots of homes now where the women are the bread winners. For some reason, a lot more men lose their jobs than women. Unfortunately, since this is not the normal structure of the home, there will be a lot of friction and it is the wisdom to manage your home that you need.
You have to understand your husband’s psyche. A man has an inborn desire to lead – be in charge i.e. be the man in his home. When he is unable to take that position, there is a frustration and/or fear that comes in, which he may display by either being very demanding or angry.
If you wish to keep your marriage, you will have to bend backwards twice over to ensure that you don’t fight all the time. Yes, he is afraid – afraid of never getting a breakthrough, afraid of being a failure, afraid of losing position or power. He doesn’t want to be turned into the wife, and the more you nag him (and I suspect, remind him you are the bread winner) the more he will withdraw from you and be defiant.
You need to understand that he is your husband and you are a team. Occasionally, make an effort to please him by making his freshly-made soup. You may look for moments when you can discuss your future as a couple and then ask nicely if he will take up school runs to enable him bond with his children and play a part in their progress.
I know you feel overwhelmed, but you will have to be strong and address your situation prayerfully and practically.