Dear Tinu,
My in-laws are terrible. I have been married for over 20 years and they haven’t changed from the very first time I met them. My husband thinks I just don’t like them. He rarely sees anything wrong in what they do and believes I over-react all the time. His words are usually “they don’t mean any harm”.
When I first met my mother-in-law, her reception was hostile. She made it clear that she wasn’t happy that her son was seeing someone from another ethnic group (I am Yoruba and he is Igbo). She proceeded to speak Igbo throughout to her son, knowing that I didn’t understand a word. I was pretty sure that the discussion was about me. In fact, her frown was very broad for everyone to see at our wedding. She made sure it was evident that she didn’t want to be there.
She almost never speaks to me and always continues a conversation with my husband, her son, in the native language. She is not illiterate; she retired as a high school head teacher. So she just wanted to exclude me at all times. Can you help me, please?
Mrs. O.
Dear Mrs. O,
After 20 years of marriage, you shouldn’t still be having this type of experience. By now, at least, there should be mutual respect between you and your mother-in-law, even if you can’t be friends. From your mail, I suspect that you have not really bothered to earn her love or respect. Not because you don’t want it or think you deserve it (your mail shows you want it) but because you believe you cannot/will not get it.
What steps have you taken to earn your mother-in-law’s love? Have you tried to be friends with her? Have you tried to love her? Do you go visiting her, asking about her without being prompted by your spouse? Do you offer her gifts from you alone and not those presented to her from you and your husband?
Also, how have you tried to integrate yourself in the culture of your spouse? Have you made attempts to learn the language or how to make their local delicacies? These are few ways that you can worm your way into your mother-in-law’s heart. She is a human being, and all humans (and animals) respond to love. You just need to study the person and know how to go about it.
What you have described to me is more than inter-tribal marriage issue. People marry from different tribes, races and religions, and some of them have great marriages. Above all, do you pray for your mother-in-law that the Lord should place the love for you into her heart?
You have the power to turn your relationship around for good; use it!