When he told me his age, I realised that Baba Nbadan looked younger than his numbered age.
By Taju Tijani
For a man who has seen it all, there is no better public service to my readers than to gather decades of wisdom, knowledge and deep nuances on life and living from Baba Nbadan, the muse behind my column. His wisdom on his birthday covers the whole gamut of love, narcissism, money, women, relationship, old age and death. It was a lovely Saturday morning. The sun was burning ferociously. It was humid but tolerable. The trees at the back of the window were bowing to the majesty who lives in the unreachable place of light.
Baba Nbadan poured water from his shiny Murphy Richards kettle. The camomile and mint tea bubbled to the surface of his big jug. He walked slowly to the living room and sank into his black leather sofa. He had been watching the captivating history of the Kasai people of the Democratic Republic of Congo on YouTube. His midlife interest is the DRC’s people and their history. He also plans to learn French and be able to travel the length and breadth of the Francophone African countries some time in the future. His preparation is awesome. He just purchased a book – The Congo: From Leopold to Kabila, A People’s History.
When he told me his age, I realised that Baba Nbadan looked younger than his numbered age. Bright, optimistic, creative, playful, extrovert, exercise apostle and vitamins addict. From the bedroom, I could hear the happy melodious tunes of Paul Hardcastle. He loves saxy jazz and baroque music on Saturday when he is in his creative shell. Age has mellowed him a bit. He was once a die-hard Afro music lover. He danced away his youth along the Lagos axis of Ebute-Metta, Ojuelegba, Ayilara, Stadium and Idi Oro club circuits.
How time flies. Today, Baba Nbadan has found a new musical love in the cooler musicality of Paul Hardcastle, saxy jazz and baroque. He started his wisdom lecture on relationship.
“When choosing a partner, go for their values and beliefs and not the glitter. Have a life together and life apart when it comes to personal interests. A good person does not equal good relationship. What we need from a partner is not someone who is perfect but someone who understands their imperfections. People change when they meet someone better than you. You cannot control anyone loyalty. No matter how much you do for someone there is no guarantee that they will treat you the same. Sometimes the person you love the most is the one you can trust the least. You will be replaced no matter who you are. In relationship, you must reduce expectations and learn how to let things occur naturally. Anticipating something from others may put you at risk of disappointment.”
He sipped his tea and continued. “If you want to break barriers and be close to someone, you need to say uncomfortable truth. If you don’t either of you may misunderstand each other. You must always show empathy. That is the ability to understand and care for about the feelings of others. It is very important for healthy relationships and it encourages respect for the needs of each other. Always look for someone who will hurt me with honesty rather than betray me with lies. Also, it is good to go out with someone who is available mentally, emotionally, physically and romantically without guessing their intentions. Someone who is interested in my life – and me in her life. You must accept each other as you are.
You also have to understand that relationship breakdown may not be the fault of either the man or the woman – some people change their partners to avoid changing themselves. Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential for your own. Above all, follow your intuition and do what you feel is right to do.”
I was captivated by his nugget of wisdom on relationship and love. I asked him to explain how to maintain a healthy relationship. “You must be authentic, this is, being true and honest with yourself and your partner. Appreciate your partner. That is, appreciate your partner for who they are. It builds strong bond of acceptance and love that surpasses the need for constant reassurances. Baba Nbadan as a communicator also suggested open and transparent communication to express fears, concerns and other emotional issues. Weigh long term compatibility. Always consider your shared values and life goals and see if they contribute to long term compatibility or not. You must also test cohabitation. You must allocate regular time for quality moments. This deepens the bond – even in busy schedules prioritize spending intimate time together. You must also practise mutual prioritization. You must put your partner’s needs first and inspire them to do the same for you – this encourages mutual dependence and respect. Lastly, you must embrace compromise. Relationship is between two people and each with their unique desires and needs. So, compromise is inevitable. It is healthy. It shows respect and empathy for your partner’s perspective and foster a balance of power in the relationship. Sometimes, you must meet in the middle.
Narcissism has taken over our world. The generation of leaders and including followers are becoming narcissists. The rank of narcissists is growing exponentially. Baba Nbadan bit his lips and shook his legs. He agreed with my assertion. “They are difficult people to deal with. They are reluctant to admit mistakes. They lack empathy. They are unable to handle criticism or perceived insults. They are also unwilling to take responsibility and they go about with an exaggerated sense of entitlement”. Hmmm…I nodded my head in agreement with Baba Nbadan.
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What have you learned in life as you are growing older? “Ah, I have learned a lot. I can write books on that. First, stop discussing your personal life with every person. Privacy in life is everything. Tell them what is necessary and hold others within. Stop trying to please everyone. Give importance to yourself. Stay away from negative and toxic people. Make yourself as your best friend. Stop worrying about what people will say. Tomorrow morning if you die, the world will go on perfectly without you. Spend time with family more than the social media. Make your own rules and boundaries. Don’t allow anyone break them. Always keep that smile. Don’t waste time on those people who don’t care about you. Learn something new every day – as I am trying to learn the French Language now. Don’t over give yourself to another person. Stop over thinking – what will be will be. Don’t chase people. Always listen to your gut. It is there for a reason. Don’t put all your trust in one person. They may disappoint you. Recognise when you are being taken advantage of and set boundaries. Never make excuses for other’s bad behaviour. Hold them accountable. Finally, trust and believe in yourself. You know yourself better than anyone else”.
Baba Nbadan stood up and went to the kitchen for another cuppa. I teased him out on his idea about money. Like a pensive philosopher, he looked down on the floor and raised his head back up. “If you really would want to know what the Lord Jesus Christ thinks of money, search the scripture and see those he gave money. Did he give it to the apostles? Money can buy happiness but cannot buy joy. Money will make you friends – usually the wrong ones. Money is a blessing that has no advantage until we part with it. Money can hide many of your faults. Yes, a moderate addiction to money may be healthy but when taken in excess it is always hurtful to your health. Money is the power that make love sweet and the evil behind every war. Richer men will get your wife and dare you to fight back. Money could make you look younger, wise and good looking but poverty will make you ugly, boring, sad, useless and stupid. Also, when money speaks, the truth must keep quiet”. On death, Baba Nbadan sounded like a Pentecostal fanatic. “You passed from death to bliss”.
Baba Nbadan got up. He excused himself and went to the toilet. I could hear him saying, “You did not ask the sacrifices and the cost of becoming a writer.” The man was right. I could imagine the lonely world of a writer – both young and old. But to a born writer, the delight of racy prose, majestic sentences and evocative paragraphs far surpass the lonely planet of most writers. Baba Nbadan celebrates his birthday on Monday. Here, I am raising my glass to your birthday. Congratulations and happy birthday. Long life and prosperity.