Japada: Not to Naija, Are you mad?
By Taju Tijani
Joke Jibril, the “mechanic” is from Lagos. She works with a large shopping mall at Tafawa Balewa Square in Lagos. She lives in Obalende. Tall, bony, stunning, dark complexioned and classy. She went to Caleb University and read Mass Communication. As a public relations officer for the mall, she interacts with shoppers’ wahala almost daily. Larry met her there 7 years ago during his trip to Nigeria. Love blossomed and within three years she had a baby for Larry. Larry did not want the baby, but Joke refused to abort the baby.
Larry looked confused. At 65, having a baby was his nightmare. Now he was stuck with one for life. Ife had no knowledge of the secret baby. She just could not figure out why Larry was bent on japada to Naija. Ife cajoled, persuaded, accused and blackmailed Larry into submitting to her relentless persuasions, Larry was adamant. Even Remi, their longstanding family friend, could not wave the magic wand. Larry was a tough decision maker. He had been speaking to another friend in Naija who assured him that things would be fine in Nigeria. He had to rely on his gut feelings that he would make ends meet in Naija.
Remi excused himself and left for home. Ife Omotosho also made it back to bed after the long discussion. Larry was left alone to think and meditate on all the aberrations that await him in Nigeria. He left the book he was reading on the settee and grabbed his phone. He tiptoed to the upstairs bedroom to know if the wife and Lola his daughter were fast asleep. Satisfied, he ran back downstairs. He went to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. A message flashed on his phone.
READ ALSO: Japada: Not to Naija, are you mad? (2)
Japada: Not to Naija, are you mad? (1)
Joke was restless. She sent another second message to Larry. “Where are you now? When are you coming to Lagos? Abidemi is missing you jare,” Joke cooed on the phone. “Joke sowapa. Don’t be offended baby. I have been in a meeting with both Remi and Ife, and it was a tough one. But we’ve finished now. So, how you dey? Yes, my fIight is scheduled for next Saturday. Fokanbale, I will surely see you that day. I miss you baby. Mummy ati daddy nko and your siblings? Bawo deni Naija? I heard say life tough no be small,” Larry responded to Joke.
“Baby, the last money you sent was not enough o. Prices of food have gone up. Abidemi now eats like a baby horse. Things are difficult even with my salary and the upkeep money you sent. Nkon o easy o. I am barely surviving. I can’t wait so that we can have something better to do. Na everybody dey complain apart from the politicians o. I beg make you come quick,” Joke complained about hardship to Larry. “Gbogbo e ni mo ngbo now. Ma worry. We are going to sort something out. Let’s talk again tomorrow,” Larry dismissed Joke and went to bed.
Larry Omotosho eventually landed safely to chase a new dream, passion and relationship in Naija. Joke Jibril was at the airport to meet his japada who voluntarily deported himself back to Nigeria. They had a smooth ride to Yaba. Rather than return to his 4-bedroomed bungalow family home in Sango Ota, Joke had rented a three bedroomed flat at Yaba. Larry had sent the money and exact furniture he wanted in the flat. It was tastefully furnished. Joke introduced him to the neighbours and they in turn greeted him warmly. He requested for a cold water. Joke informed him that there had been no light for the past three days.
“What! No light for three days?” Larry said, fuming with rage. “Yes, o baby. But I have always said this on phone now. This is our situation. Things are worse now since this band A to E stuff from PHCN,” Joke advocated to Larry. “Tomorrow, we are buying a big generator,” Larry promised Joke. Quickly, he received his baby from Joke and started playing with her. As an older father, everything looked awkward. He looked at Joke and smiled. Joke smiled back satisfied that Larry loves his daughter.
“Why did you stop us?” “For routine checks sir,” the Road Safety officer answered. “Do you have C –Caution, Fire Extinguisher, Jack, torchlight, razor blade and water in the car?” The officer asked. Joke pinched Larry not to argue with the officer. Her car had no torch light. It had no razor. Those are traffic offences in Nigeria. The Road Safety Officer held on to Joke’s driving license and car documents. He walked casually to his service car to book Joke. Larry got down. But Joke pushed him back to the car. Joke stylishly passed N2,000 to the officer.
Larry offloaded the new generator. It was a big Elepaq gasoline generator. A note was hanging beside the meter. Joke looked at the information. When they were out, PHCN had come over to cut off the line for owing arrears. Larry began to swear at Nigeria as a country. “Fucking God-forsaken country. No light for days and they cut the line for non-supply of light. Mad people. What kind of country is this? Honestly, Nigeria is too ripe for revolution. Lesser countries are energy sufficient. But shame on yeye giant of Africa. Instead of being called the Lilliput of the continent. Nonsense,” Larry fumed.
“I’m just fed up with this country. Joke, do you know that when I went out just yesterday to the local supermarket, I was nearly knocked over by a car? I was just over a zebra crossing and this car will not wait. I had to run as far as my legs can go to avoid an accident. Drivers do not even stop for pedestrians at zebra crossing. I am not surprised because majority of Nigerian drivers never had any driving training either theory or practical. People here just jump into car, and you are a qualified driver. It is a shame,” Larry said showing his disgust with opened mouth. He remembered the four levels of aberrations in Nigeria once mentioned by Remi. The frustration, the extortion, the impunity and the corruption!
Joke Jibril laughed. She felt sorry for a JJC from London who wanted to compare Nigeria with the UK. All the talks of hardship in Nigeria by Ife and Remi are now coming up as reality. He complained of touts across Lagos. He moaned about the VIO, the Police extortion and their oppressive tactics when they want to be bribed. He talked about the Okada riders. Maruwa riders. Molue drivers and their carelessness on the road. His fantasy manual “Design Your Destiny” seemed not to be working in Nigeria. He forgot that Guy Finley’s American society is not Nigeria’s.
“Ok Larry, get a pen and write out your fantasy about Nigeria. What do you think you are to enjoy compared to London? Oya now, do the list for me,” Joke dared laughing. Larry smiled. He ran his thick fingers across the Ghana weave on Joke’s head. She looked stunning in the hairstyle. She had successfully replaced a 60-year-old London wife with a 40-year-old Naija side chick. “Hmm, but you are worth it now. Second, I prefer sun to cold. Best of all there is absence of racism here. I see my kind of skin colour everywhere. I like the organic food. I like the smell of Africa. I like the sweat over a hot dish of abula. I love the authentic pepper soup, the sobo drink, the agemawo goat meat, our domestic culture of courtesy and respect and our owambe party,” Larry said waiting for a response.
“Liar. Oniro Oshi. Why can’t you admit that you japada because you want a younger woman on your bed in Nigeria? I believe you reckon that I will be more caring as you age. You want to actualise your sexual fantasy on a 40-year-old woman. You prefer a younger blood. Isn’t that the fantasy of all old men? Gbagbe, reason ni yen jo,” Joke said, challenging Larry to dispute her points.
Larry said nothing. He was looking intently at the art picture on the wall he bought at Ojuelegba. “My birthday is next week o. I am tired of going to Tafawa Balewa Square. I am a wife of a Londoner. I want a shop in the mall next door. The final completion of works there is next month. I have my list. Larry, I like cosmetic business. I have drawn up a list. The business, plus shop rent, will cost only N20 million. Aya Londoner ni mi o. You want a younger woman, you go pay oo,” Joke said, caressing Larry on the chest…
- Concluded